i just went back and read all these extremely introspective and also totally self-centered blog posts from 2009. in a way it was comforting, because although so much has changed over the pasty 11 years, my internal core struggles have remained the same. disheartening perhaps, but comforting.
11 years later and i,
still have no idea what i am doing
still question the role i play in my own life
still worry about life passing me by and not accomplishing anything
the good news is that some of those hard earned lessons i learned with guy stuck around for the single part 2 episode of my life. jesus, i'm glad i'm not in my early twenties anymore, for the most part. there was a lot of "why doesn't so and so like me" also in 2009, i had a crazy year which i documented via a month by month breakdown of my behavior. there is a part of me that misses that, just this whole self-obsession of wondering about myself. now i wonder about myself but i also have to wonder about four other people and they let me know an a daily basis that i'm not doing enough.
in all honesty though, i feel a little lost. i was talking to Christian the other day and i was essentially like "I always thought I would run a marathon. When I planned my life, I just always thought I would be that girl" and here I am, not getting younger and I feel I have to decide. Will I run one? and it's not just that, it's just that I thought my life would go a certain way and it most definitively isn't. beyond just the bad stuff of course because that would fuck my anyone up. but i just struggle and i don't struggle lightly with like "should i do keto again" (jokes, i've never done keto guys). it's a struggle of "why doesn't God do this?" And then I think well if God is inside of me should i be accomplishing it on my own? What about all these dreams I have, what the hell is happening there? Oh you just aren't working towards them? cool,
Guys, I compose the best shit in my head. The best books, the best speeches, the best interviews. My head is a never ending story of life and love and all of these beautiful things and then I try to get them out of my head and it just doesn't work. I give up or fall apart. How do I care about myself enough to get these unlocked? AND WHAT IF IT'S ALL POINTLESS ANYWAY?
there's so many creative forces on social media these days. and i hate social media guys, like i just do. i freaking hate it and the whole process of it stresses me out, but then i just tell myself "YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO WORK" I am always so mean to myself, it's a habit I am working on but not very consistently.
The end of the year gets me. Another year rolling on by. I still don't quite feel my age though. As in, I still feel like I've lived way more life than 33 years. Not quite as much as I did at 29 but still a good amount. I have experienced the depths of pain and still come out on the other side somehow. But what do I have to show for it? Not as much as I wish I did.
I'm ready to level up though. I'm ready to not be so consumed by my shortcomings. I'm ready to just move the fuck on with it.
and if you want me to give a speech, i'm ready for it.
