loss.

most of my life feels like a nightmare right now.  i wake up and live a day filled with loss and then sleep a night filled with nightmares.

elly would have been two months old yesterday.  i thought about the monthly pictures i was going to do with her- taken with her bunny lovey and wept.  i thought about how she won't get a first birthday party, or ever get to run or walk, won't say momma, won't wave out the window while her sister and brother go to school...  and then i thought about how i could have born all of the weight of losing my child if only my husband would have stayed.

that morning when he walked out, we didn't touch each other.  i was preoccupied with getting the kids breakfast and assumed he was pulling in the trash cans.  i don't know why things didn't go differently- why i didn't say something or pull him in for a hug or why i didn't hear the car door slam.  the why's in this situation could swallow me, very easily actually.

i keep telling myself dawn will come, that my family will rise from this- but honestly at this point i have a hard time believing that i still have a family.  my counterpart, my constant is gone, ripped from my life in the cruelest way imaginable.  the thing i keep thinking is why us, i mean we were so in love.  so many people these days are in loveless or unhappy marriages.  that wasn't us.  we were in bliss, so content to just be- just be together.  i would have never ever left his side, not even for a second.  we never strayed from each other in the five years we were married.

there isn't a second that goes by that i don't feel his void in my life and catching the smiles of my kids as they run around and play rips the wound further... the only thought in my head "he should be here for this, he should be here for this"

it's hard to be this broken.

You know when

Hello! Hello!

Let's just jump into things shall we?
Little Elly bean was added to the mix.  I think the weirdest thing about having a baby is that once they are here it feels like they were always here.  You can have all this anxiety and apprehension but all of the sudden they are here and it's perfect and you love them so so much.  Little miss was a surprise for us (big surprise!) but she was just meant to be.  Currently she is sprawled across my stomach and I can feel her little warm body on mine, her sniffles and little whimpering and snoring the only noise besides the fan going upstairs as white noise for the older ones.

I wasn't sure I would continue writing, but the. I was reading some of my old posts with Adelynn and it brought me so much comfort to read about it, I just couldn't give up completely.  This time thing is a fickle beast eh?  We have brought home our last baby and every day, every minute that ticks by separates us more and more from that moment of meeting our last child.  Creating and meeting these beings is such a crazy thing.  There is nothing else in the world that touches it.  It's such a distinct time of life right now, car seat carriers and nap schedules, time outs, tantrums....  I know though that we will always be trading hard things for different hard things.  There is no perfect season of life, everything bears a burden.  So that is what makes it so crucial to just enjoy it.  My grandma recently passed away at 94 years old.  She was this matriarch of our family and it kind of felt like she would never die.  But everyone does and it's so weird to look at my life and know that I am going to blink and it's going to be me old and grey.  So much of me still expects to see a gangly 16 year old or an unsure of herself 20 year old when I look in the mirror and then I get surprised when I look and see this woman....

Age is so fleeting.  My addy, my little baby will turn four this year, nugget is getting bigger by the day and soon even Elly won't be a newborn.  Sometimes time feels like this crushing weight that I can't get out from under on, it honestly takes my breathe away sometimes.

Getting there

It's so odd these little memories that pop into your head as you get older.  For me especially, I have a lot of nostalgia about my time in college.  Although it had many growing pains, it was the first time outside of childhood I can remember being happy.  Anyways, although I still listen to a lot of similar things as college a lot of the specific music I listened to back then (death cab for cutie, Damien rice, iron and wine, sufjan stevens) I haven't listened to in a while.

Well, I've been rediscovering a lot of these old music faves and it's been a nice little jog down memory lane while still remaining in the present.  Sufjan just released an album that came out of his mothers death and it is the most raw and touching piece of work I have heard in years.  Losing someone profound in your life changes you forever.  It's like this unspoken language- an unspoken heartache- hearing someone put it to words was so incredibly helpful for me.  Highly highly recommend.

Another little gem that popped into my head was Coconut Records.  Did you listen to him? It was Jason Schwartans solo project.  Just catchy little poppy indie tunes.  "West Coast" remains my personal favorite but they are honestly all solid.

Time is a tricky mistress, is it not.  As I near thirty, I am becoming aware of my own mortality in a new way.  Just, you know settling into the beginning of the middle of my life.  It's an odd feeling.  I just try to remind myself- there's always room to start over before I feel too melancholy and pathetic (not that I am unhappy it just feels weird to be at the end of beginnings).

Ok go enjoy the weekend and hopefully the sun!!

Holy cannoli

Addy and I have this thing whenever she finishes something she always wants me to say "holy cannoli you ate all your(fill in the blank) green beans, peaches, etc.  I am 100% positive this is only funny to me as her mother but her face is priceless.

Almost three is starting to get really good, she makes jokes and is getting that little kid kookiness to her.  I mean, honestly guys, kids are just weird- they are!  Today we were cuddling and she goes "when boys chase girls, they grunt" I said "who told you that" and she goes "noooo, I told you that!"

Also today "Laney will be the prince and I'll be the princess"
"Who's mommy?"
"The queen"
"Who's daddy?"
"The fairy"



Things are good.  We are settling into our house and while there are a million projects to do, shit gets expensive quickly- so most are on the back burner indefinitely.  The two major things I am hoping for by next year are a new dishwasher and a fence.  My biggest pet peeve is our floors, comprised mainly of old carpeting and ceramic tile.  You guys- I looooathe tile.  I think it is impossible to keep clean with kids and dogs and the grout always looks gross and they didn't seal it properly.  Ugh, shudder.

Have you guys used ThredUp? I just threw my hat in the ring with them the other day.  While I think their normal prices are a bit steep for used clothing, a 40% coupon helped take the sting out a bit.  I dont think I would shop their normal prices though because honestly when the stores are running really good sales (gap just did a crazy one) the prices are almost equal.  I'll let you know what I think when I get my stuff.

I don't really have a way to wind this up.  I am still fully entrenched in summer so I refuse to write about anything coming up in the fall yet.

July July

July is a somewhat busy month for us and while I have lots swirling around, these are things that are on my mind or that I am loving right now.

THESE sippy cups.  magic, pure magic, Lane can drink out of one at nine months, they are easy to wash, and just function better.  A never really got the typical sippy cups (I think because she didn't take a bottle) she only learned straws.  Anyways, I love these, they are great for juices in the family room, etc. and I really feel they help speed the development of drinking from "normal" cups

Marathon training- guys, it's tiring and long.  I did one 14.25 mile run which broke my record for longest run.  but two kids, running the house, training - it's a lot.  I am averaging 2-3 week runs and a long Saturday run.  I feel like I am staying on top of it for the most part but, some days I am tired.  Also runners- shoe suggestions?  I want to try the Nike Flyknit.  Here are my issues - the top half of my foot will go numb a couple miles in wearing the wrong shoe but I am also having heel pain so I need more cushion than before.  I have tried so so so many different pairs of shoes.... so anyways, let me know if there was a magic pair for you guys out there.

Potty training- blow me.

It hasn't really felt like summer yet, we've basically had rain and have been struggling to reach 70 so I am ready for warmer weather and all that jazz, I am hoping the fourth of July brings the heat.



okay, my floors are filthy, literally, so I am gonna go wash them with the precious few seconds of naptime I have left.

what i don't want to forget

"will you lay with me for a little bit.... over here so you don't lay on any stuffies"

addy says.

why i run

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon."
- Emil Zatopek, Czech runner, winner of four Olympic gold medals



In high school, I ran track one season (sophomore year)- I actually managed to letter but didn't stay with it.  I convinced myself it wasn't worth my time, the other girls were better than me, etc. etc.  During college, I gained some weight (whose with me!) worked out off and on.  During my final year of college I weighted about 185ish (I'm 5'10) and wasn't really on the whole work out train.  I also struggled with bulimia my senior year of high school and senior year of college. 

The year after graduating was difficult.  I felt lost and out of place.  It was such an adjustment to be working all day every day in a field I hated (customer service thank you very much!).  Our economy had just crashed and it was a pretty bleak place.  I started drinking, a lot.  Thanks to going to a private, Christian college my party years had been delayed (I think it comes for everyone at some point).  So much of life are these difficult adjustments that we have to make.  I went from an environment where everything was handed to you in a bubble - friends- pick from these groups! classes, pick from these, extracurriculars- do what you want! to this wide open field with no close friends near by (at the time) and just day in day out punching a clock.

So anyways, drinking, loved it, was great at it, suck at it now.  I did start to lose a significant amount of my college weight during this time (surprisingly).  Being on a set schedule and set meal times can have that affect.  Anyways, at some point, I get it in my head that I am going to run a half marathon in the spring.  I think I signed up in January, paid the fee and started in blind in my training.  Keep in mind, I am still doing great at drinking.  My Saturdays would look like this:

wake up (slightly hungover)
go for a long run at some point
pound five advil
drink my dinner/party all night.

I lived with my best friend and we also had gym memberships, so during the week, I would hit the gym usually a couple nights a week as well.  Winter in my area is not kind, so the majority of my training was done in about two months.  May rolled around and I went to my first marathon - completely alone.  My best friend had to work, my parents were out of town on vacation and my other friends were busy.  I woke up at 4:45, got ready, drove myself downtown, freaked out because the garage I was going to park in was sectioned off for the race, found street parking and went downtown.  I checked my bags and looked at all the people warming up (which by the way people, running before the marathon, I still think you are crazy- the marathon IS THE RACE people, save it!). 

It wasn't until the start line thought, standing smooshed together in this bubbling mass of people, everyone chattering or listening to music, focusing.  It is one of the few times where I will say one can literally taste the anticipation.  There is a hunger in the air.  Everyone is ready.  My first start was electric.  People ripping off excess clothing and throwing it into the street, onlookers milling about shouting congratulations.  The race starts and collective whoops are moving through the crowd.  We are ready.

It was hard to finish, at about mile seven, I was really worn out and sore, but I pushed through and finished in 2:15:something seconds.  At the end of the race, I remember feeling really lonely.  I walked along for a while, cooling down, ate the banana, fingered my medal.  It was so strange to have something so big accomplished and not have anyone there.  I walked back to my car and drove myself home and promptly fell asleep until my roommate got home and we went out together for some much deserved food.

That race changed me though, mentally, physically.  I became aware of how tough I truly was, and how great I truly could be if I tried.  It was a huge task to accomplish, much less to do it as a borderline drunk.  I knew then that I could try to tell myself otherwise, but I was a runner, I need it in a very definitive and tangible way.

My life has changed significantly since then.  I rarely overindulge (not worth it once you have kids waking you up at the ass crack of dawn), I'm married, I don't work at that job anymore.  Life in unflinching in the onslaught of change that it brings our way.  Running doesn't change though.  Lacing up, tugging on my shorts, adjusting my earphones, grabbing the spare key, breathing the first breathe of air.  It is constant, an unmoving mountain in which to rest while life changes around me.  Running doesn't change, but it changes me.  It fills me with peace, it gives me a spiritual rest that my soul longs for in this world, it connects my feet with the soil and the earth and the woods.  My body leans into nature when I run, drawing strength from the energy beneath my feet.  I never feel more spiritually awakened, more at peace, then when I am out running.

Running has given me the confidence to bloom, right where I am.