my brother in law was the first to describe the void to me, the night my husband passed we were outside late, sitting on my front steps in the cold air. he remarked to me that we will always feel the void.
it's true. my waves have subsided for the most part. the numb replaced with a genuine contentment, if not at times, joy in my life. embracing my life, while sitting in the sadness. but his void remains and will always be there.
when elly died, in a very real and physical sense, a part of me died. that absence will be felt forever, a brutal scar across my heart. when jim died it was just this incredible loss. in a way, my entire life as i knew it died. and i mourn the death of that in a very real way, the death of my future as i had planned, of a job that i enjoyed, of being a "normal" family.
elly will forever remain a part of me, a part of me that no longer exists here in the physical world
jim will forever be a void, a void in my life that no matter how or if i move on will still be felt
at elly's funeral, some of his last words in his tribute were "your death leaves behind ripples of anguish, but your life left behind mountains of joy" i am clinging to those mountains now for both of my losses. one moment will not define my family's story the joy will always be there, waiting to be searched out, uncovered, and clung to.
the path.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
have you read the children's book "we're going on a bear hunt" it's an old one, this family encounters all these obstacles on a bear hunt and each time they say "we can't go over it, we can't go under it, oh no we've got to go through it"
that's where i'm at. there is a path laid out in front of me, a path to healing, to being made whole, but it's going to hurt like hell to get there. i can literally see the pain waiting for me and i'm scared.
scared of what it's going to be like when i clean out his drawers
scared of what it's going to be like when i give his stuff away
scared of what it's going to be like when i find a job
put my kids in daycare
go to bed alone every night and wake up alone every day
being a single mom
the beginning of grief is akin to what i imagine drowning to feel like. in between numb these waves of intensity hit you with the force of a storm. it's physically painful, when elly died i could literally feel my heart hurting. your entire physical system goes into shock. when jim died, i thought - i can't believe i have to live through this again.
not quite two weeks out and my mind is already insulating itself, the memory of that Thursday has already faded because your body had to forget the pain. but i can look out over the next year and know more waves will come, more body racking sobs into my pillow will come, the feeling of being swallowed whole will be there and i'll have to battle it.
it honestly makes me a little fearful. sometimes the worst part of pain is knowing it's coming for you.
i don't know why my life is the way it is. i'm not sure why i got this hand... why i've known so much loss and pain and tragedy. but i rest in the fact that this is my phoenix moment. something beautiful will rise from these ashes.
in the meantime though... i ache for my husband and my daughter. jim and my ellybean.
that's where i'm at. there is a path laid out in front of me, a path to healing, to being made whole, but it's going to hurt like hell to get there. i can literally see the pain waiting for me and i'm scared.
scared of what it's going to be like when i clean out his drawers
scared of what it's going to be like when i give his stuff away
scared of what it's going to be like when i find a job
put my kids in daycare
go to bed alone every night and wake up alone every day
being a single mom
the beginning of grief is akin to what i imagine drowning to feel like. in between numb these waves of intensity hit you with the force of a storm. it's physically painful, when elly died i could literally feel my heart hurting. your entire physical system goes into shock. when jim died, i thought - i can't believe i have to live through this again.
not quite two weeks out and my mind is already insulating itself, the memory of that Thursday has already faded because your body had to forget the pain. but i can look out over the next year and know more waves will come, more body racking sobs into my pillow will come, the feeling of being swallowed whole will be there and i'll have to battle it.
it honestly makes me a little fearful. sometimes the worst part of pain is knowing it's coming for you.
i don't know why my life is the way it is. i'm not sure why i got this hand... why i've known so much loss and pain and tragedy. but i rest in the fact that this is my phoenix moment. something beautiful will rise from these ashes.
in the meantime though... i ache for my husband and my daughter. jim and my ellybean.
loss.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
most of my life feels like a nightmare right now. i wake up and live a day filled with loss and then sleep a night filled with nightmares.
elly would have been two months old yesterday. i thought about the monthly pictures i was going to do with her- taken with her bunny lovey and wept. i thought about how she won't get a first birthday party, or ever get to run or walk, won't say momma, won't wave out the window while her sister and brother go to school... and then i thought about how i could have born all of the weight of losing my child if only my husband would have stayed.
that morning when he walked out, we didn't touch each other. i was preoccupied with getting the kids breakfast and assumed he was pulling in the trash cans. i don't know why things didn't go differently- why i didn't say something or pull him in for a hug or why i didn't hear the car door slam. the why's in this situation could swallow me, very easily actually.
i keep telling myself dawn will come, that my family will rise from this- but honestly at this point i have a hard time believing that i still have a family. my counterpart, my constant is gone, ripped from my life in the cruelest way imaginable. the thing i keep thinking is why us, i mean we were so in love. so many people these days are in loveless or unhappy marriages. that wasn't us. we were in bliss, so content to just be- just be together. i would have never ever left his side, not even for a second. we never strayed from each other in the five years we were married.
there isn't a second that goes by that i don't feel his void in my life and catching the smiles of my kids as they run around and play rips the wound further... the only thought in my head "he should be here for this, he should be here for this"
it's hard to be this broken.
elly would have been two months old yesterday. i thought about the monthly pictures i was going to do with her- taken with her bunny lovey and wept. i thought about how she won't get a first birthday party, or ever get to run or walk, won't say momma, won't wave out the window while her sister and brother go to school... and then i thought about how i could have born all of the weight of losing my child if only my husband would have stayed.
that morning when he walked out, we didn't touch each other. i was preoccupied with getting the kids breakfast and assumed he was pulling in the trash cans. i don't know why things didn't go differently- why i didn't say something or pull him in for a hug or why i didn't hear the car door slam. the why's in this situation could swallow me, very easily actually.
i keep telling myself dawn will come, that my family will rise from this- but honestly at this point i have a hard time believing that i still have a family. my counterpart, my constant is gone, ripped from my life in the cruelest way imaginable. the thing i keep thinking is why us, i mean we were so in love. so many people these days are in loveless or unhappy marriages. that wasn't us. we were in bliss, so content to just be- just be together. i would have never ever left his side, not even for a second. we never strayed from each other in the five years we were married.
there isn't a second that goes by that i don't feel his void in my life and catching the smiles of my kids as they run around and play rips the wound further... the only thought in my head "he should be here for this, he should be here for this"
it's hard to be this broken.
You know when
Monday, April 4, 2016
Hello! Hello!
Let's just jump into things shall we?
Little Elly bean was added to the mix. I think the weirdest thing about having a baby is that once they are here it feels like they were always here. You can have all this anxiety and apprehension but all of the sudden they are here and it's perfect and you love them so so much. Little miss was a surprise for us (big surprise!) but she was just meant to be. Currently she is sprawled across my stomach and I can feel her little warm body on mine, her sniffles and little whimpering and snoring the only noise besides the fan going upstairs as white noise for the older ones.
I wasn't sure I would continue writing, but the. I was reading some of my old posts with Adelynn and it brought me so much comfort to read about it, I just couldn't give up completely. This time thing is a fickle beast eh? We have brought home our last baby and every day, every minute that ticks by separates us more and more from that moment of meeting our last child. Creating and meeting these beings is such a crazy thing. There is nothing else in the world that touches it. It's such a distinct time of life right now, car seat carriers and nap schedules, time outs, tantrums.... I know though that we will always be trading hard things for different hard things. There is no perfect season of life, everything bears a burden. So that is what makes it so crucial to just enjoy it. My grandma recently passed away at 94 years old. She was this matriarch of our family and it kind of felt like she would never die. But everyone does and it's so weird to look at my life and know that I am going to blink and it's going to be me old and grey. So much of me still expects to see a gangly 16 year old or an unsure of herself 20 year old when I look in the mirror and then I get surprised when I look and see this woman....
Age is so fleeting. My addy, my little baby will turn four this year, nugget is getting bigger by the day and soon even Elly won't be a newborn. Sometimes time feels like this crushing weight that I can't get out from under on, it honestly takes my breathe away sometimes.
Let's just jump into things shall we?
Little Elly bean was added to the mix. I think the weirdest thing about having a baby is that once they are here it feels like they were always here. You can have all this anxiety and apprehension but all of the sudden they are here and it's perfect and you love them so so much. Little miss was a surprise for us (big surprise!) but she was just meant to be. Currently she is sprawled across my stomach and I can feel her little warm body on mine, her sniffles and little whimpering and snoring the only noise besides the fan going upstairs as white noise for the older ones.
I wasn't sure I would continue writing, but the. I was reading some of my old posts with Adelynn and it brought me so much comfort to read about it, I just couldn't give up completely. This time thing is a fickle beast eh? We have brought home our last baby and every day, every minute that ticks by separates us more and more from that moment of meeting our last child. Creating and meeting these beings is such a crazy thing. There is nothing else in the world that touches it. It's such a distinct time of life right now, car seat carriers and nap schedules, time outs, tantrums.... I know though that we will always be trading hard things for different hard things. There is no perfect season of life, everything bears a burden. So that is what makes it so crucial to just enjoy it. My grandma recently passed away at 94 years old. She was this matriarch of our family and it kind of felt like she would never die. But everyone does and it's so weird to look at my life and know that I am going to blink and it's going to be me old and grey. So much of me still expects to see a gangly 16 year old or an unsure of herself 20 year old when I look in the mirror and then I get surprised when I look and see this woman....
Age is so fleeting. My addy, my little baby will turn four this year, nugget is getting bigger by the day and soon even Elly won't be a newborn. Sometimes time feels like this crushing weight that I can't get out from under on, it honestly takes my breathe away sometimes.
Getting there
Friday, July 31, 2015
It's so odd these little memories that pop into your head as you get older. For me especially, I have a lot of nostalgia about my time in college. Although it had many growing pains, it was the first time outside of childhood I can remember being happy. Anyways, although I still listen to a lot of similar things as college a lot of the specific music I listened to back then (death cab for cutie, Damien rice, iron and wine, sufjan stevens) I haven't listened to in a while.
Well, I've been rediscovering a lot of these old music faves and it's been a nice little jog down memory lane while still remaining in the present. Sufjan just released an album that came out of his mothers death and it is the most raw and touching piece of work I have heard in years. Losing someone profound in your life changes you forever. It's like this unspoken language- an unspoken heartache- hearing someone put it to words was so incredibly helpful for me. Highly highly recommend.
Another little gem that popped into my head was Coconut Records. Did you listen to him? It was Jason Schwartans solo project. Just catchy little poppy indie tunes. "West Coast" remains my personal favorite but they are honestly all solid.
Time is a tricky mistress, is it not. As I near thirty, I am becoming aware of my own mortality in a new way. Just, you know settling into the beginning of the middle of my life. It's an odd feeling. I just try to remind myself- there's always room to start over before I feel too melancholy and pathetic (not that I am unhappy it just feels weird to be at the end of beginnings).
Ok go enjoy the weekend and hopefully the sun!!
Well, I've been rediscovering a lot of these old music faves and it's been a nice little jog down memory lane while still remaining in the present. Sufjan just released an album that came out of his mothers death and it is the most raw and touching piece of work I have heard in years. Losing someone profound in your life changes you forever. It's like this unspoken language- an unspoken heartache- hearing someone put it to words was so incredibly helpful for me. Highly highly recommend.
Another little gem that popped into my head was Coconut Records. Did you listen to him? It was Jason Schwartans solo project. Just catchy little poppy indie tunes. "West Coast" remains my personal favorite but they are honestly all solid.
Time is a tricky mistress, is it not. As I near thirty, I am becoming aware of my own mortality in a new way. Just, you know settling into the beginning of the middle of my life. It's an odd feeling. I just try to remind myself- there's always room to start over before I feel too melancholy and pathetic (not that I am unhappy it just feels weird to be at the end of beginnings).
Ok go enjoy the weekend and hopefully the sun!!
Holy cannoli
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Addy and I have this thing whenever she finishes something she always wants me to say "holy cannoli you ate all your(fill in the blank) green beans, peaches, etc. I am 100% positive this is only funny to me as her mother but her face is priceless.
Almost three is starting to get really good, she makes jokes and is getting that little kid kookiness to her. I mean, honestly guys, kids are just weird- they are! Today we were cuddling and she goes "when boys chase girls, they grunt" I said "who told you that" and she goes "noooo, I told you that!"
Also today "Laney will be the prince and I'll be the princess"
"Who's mommy?"
"The queen"
"Who's daddy?"
"The fairy"
Things are good. We are settling into our house and while there are a million projects to do, shit gets expensive quickly- so most are on the back burner indefinitely. The two major things I am hoping for by next year are a new dishwasher and a fence. My biggest pet peeve is our floors, comprised mainly of old carpeting and ceramic tile. You guys- I looooathe tile. I think it is impossible to keep clean with kids and dogs and the grout always looks gross and they didn't seal it properly. Ugh, shudder.
Have you guys used ThredUp? I just threw my hat in the ring with them the other day. While I think their normal prices are a bit steep for used clothing, a 40% coupon helped take the sting out a bit. I dont think I would shop their normal prices though because honestly when the stores are running really good sales (gap just did a crazy one) the prices are almost equal. I'll let you know what I think when I get my stuff.
I don't really have a way to wind this up. I am still fully entrenched in summer so I refuse to write about anything coming up in the fall yet.
Almost three is starting to get really good, she makes jokes and is getting that little kid kookiness to her. I mean, honestly guys, kids are just weird- they are! Today we were cuddling and she goes "when boys chase girls, they grunt" I said "who told you that" and she goes "noooo, I told you that!"
Also today "Laney will be the prince and I'll be the princess"
"Who's mommy?"
"The queen"
"Who's daddy?"
"The fairy"
Things are good. We are settling into our house and while there are a million projects to do, shit gets expensive quickly- so most are on the back burner indefinitely. The two major things I am hoping for by next year are a new dishwasher and a fence. My biggest pet peeve is our floors, comprised mainly of old carpeting and ceramic tile. You guys- I looooathe tile. I think it is impossible to keep clean with kids and dogs and the grout always looks gross and they didn't seal it properly. Ugh, shudder.
Have you guys used ThredUp? I just threw my hat in the ring with them the other day. While I think their normal prices are a bit steep for used clothing, a 40% coupon helped take the sting out a bit. I dont think I would shop their normal prices though because honestly when the stores are running really good sales (gap just did a crazy one) the prices are almost equal. I'll let you know what I think when I get my stuff.
I don't really have a way to wind this up. I am still fully entrenched in summer so I refuse to write about anything coming up in the fall yet.
July July
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
July is a somewhat busy month for us and while I have lots swirling around, these are things that are on my mind or that I am loving right now.
THESE sippy cups. magic, pure magic, Lane can drink out of one at nine months, they are easy to wash, and just function better. A never really got the typical sippy cups (I think because she didn't take a bottle) she only learned straws. Anyways, I love these, they are great for juices in the family room, etc. and I really feel they help speed the development of drinking from "normal" cups
Marathon training- guys, it's tiring and long. I did one 14.25 mile run which broke my record for longest run. but two kids, running the house, training - it's a lot. I am averaging 2-3 week runs and a long Saturday run. I feel like I am staying on top of it for the most part but, some days I am tired. Also runners- shoe suggestions? I want to try the Nike Flyknit. Here are my issues - the top half of my foot will go numb a couple miles in wearing the wrong shoe but I am also having heel pain so I need more cushion than before. I have tried so so so many different pairs of shoes.... so anyways, let me know if there was a magic pair for you guys out there.
Potty training- blow me.
It hasn't really felt like summer yet, we've basically had rain and have been struggling to reach 70 so I am ready for warmer weather and all that jazz, I am hoping the fourth of July brings the heat.
okay, my floors are filthy, literally, so I am gonna go wash them with the precious few seconds of naptime I have left.
THESE sippy cups. magic, pure magic, Lane can drink out of one at nine months, they are easy to wash, and just function better. A never really got the typical sippy cups (I think because she didn't take a bottle) she only learned straws. Anyways, I love these, they are great for juices in the family room, etc. and I really feel they help speed the development of drinking from "normal" cups
Marathon training- guys, it's tiring and long. I did one 14.25 mile run which broke my record for longest run. but two kids, running the house, training - it's a lot. I am averaging 2-3 week runs and a long Saturday run. I feel like I am staying on top of it for the most part but, some days I am tired. Also runners- shoe suggestions? I want to try the Nike Flyknit. Here are my issues - the top half of my foot will go numb a couple miles in wearing the wrong shoe but I am also having heel pain so I need more cushion than before. I have tried so so so many different pairs of shoes.... so anyways, let me know if there was a magic pair for you guys out there.
Potty training- blow me.
It hasn't really felt like summer yet, we've basically had rain and have been struggling to reach 70 so I am ready for warmer weather and all that jazz, I am hoping the fourth of July brings the heat.
okay, my floors are filthy, literally, so I am gonna go wash them with the precious few seconds of naptime I have left.
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