when I first started staying at home, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of being "just a stay at home mom" I was used to earning an income, used to having an identity outside of the home. So I started a baby headband business on etsy, after all what else was I going to do with all this extra time while the baby napped? (KICKING MYSELF NOW... WHAT THE HECK!)
Needless to say, my business failed, I was at best a poor imitation of some great,
great baby headbands out there. Plus every time I put them on my little... they just seemed uncomfortable. Plus she got older, I started nannying and that free time I slowly whittled away and I put my business ideas to rest.
I am at a point where I am comfortable being "just a stay at home mom." I truly believe that the most important thing I can poor my energy into these days is my toddler who demands most of it. I don't want to be ashamed of staying at home or raising my daughters. However, I also don't want to go after dreams just because I am scared. I was really caught by the quote from Noelle Pikus-Pace who rocked it in the Olympics this year.
"You don't have to choose. My family always comes first. I want my kids to know that you can achieve your dreams even as a mom. I don't want to give up, because what kind of example would that set? It's about going for a medal along with my family."
I was so caught by those words... you can achieve your dreams - even as a mom. I know in my heart, that even as a mom and maybe BECAUSE I am a mom, there is something out there for me. I am not sure what it is going to look like or when it will come to me - just because I feel assured of something in my heart doesn't mean it's coming tomorrow. However, I am going to put feelers out there in my mind background... what would bring ME happiness, what would be feasible time-wise, monetary concerns aside - what are my passions.
I know I love to write, even though it's sporadically, I know I love to cook and bake especially. So this year, I am going to let those things ruminate and know in my heart I am still able to go after my dreams.
hello hallo!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
January is over over over on Friday at midnight! And although I am all about staying present present present, I am excited to welcome February.
Although February is kind of a trickster, because you think to yourself "it will be nicer" and it never ever is.... it does have the following positives:
it's shorter
it has Valentine's Day (I LAOVE Valentine's Day up in here! yes yes yes, red hearts! cookies! chocolate! bring it on!
it's shorter
march follows it
things have been rough around the edges. I find myself saying "ADELYNN!" in that sharp tone of voice I thought I would never ever do more often than I care to admit. I have to remind myself that my toddler isn't doing things just to spite me. Like when I've made her three separate dinners and she throws my organic ground beef to the dogs... or when she repeatedly tries to rip out the TV cords... or stand on furniture... or SCREAM at the top of her lungs when for god's sake I am just trying to wipe YOUR LUNCH FROM YOUR FACE.
but life right now is good. at this time last year, Jim and I's relationship had taken a major hit from adding a child. It was not an easy transition. I went from my whole sense of self being defined at work and going out, etc to taking care of a tiny human full time and not working outside the home. We had trouble communicating, lots of trouble and winter doesn't help any. It is a breathe of fresh air to be on the same page this year. We have had a lot of extraneous matters pop up this month that have been outside our control and at the end of the day we have found our comfort and hope in each other. It's not a bad place to be at. I am so thankful to have a partner, to have my person. To look at someone at the end of the day and know that in five minutes, five years, twenty years, that's who I will be looking at.
Yesterday I told Jim "when Adelynn is grown and married and has kids of her own we will still have each other." It's a sobering thought in more ways than one, my baby who takes up all of my free time now will move on and move out, Jim and I will be left with the foundation that we built and I don't want to be left with a stranger then. It is part of the reason it is so important to me to keep my relationship strong. We will eventually only have each other again. So you have to build this force, flexible enough to handle these outside forces that demand all of your skill and strong enough to just be comfortable with the two of you.
And because this was a total tangent of thought that I wasn't planning on, hello rabbit trail. I will leave you of a pic of my cutie, cutie, cutie pie, who I should mention, at just shy of 16 months is giving the best fucking hugs you could ask for. I mean these hugs could bring peace to just about any conflict. I just stand there and hold this lanky little girl who has her still chubby hands wrapped around my neck and breathe in the scent of aquaphor and eucerin and my eyes tear and my heart stops for that moment.
sleeping beauty who passed out at Christmas dinner. lololol.
Although February is kind of a trickster, because you think to yourself "it will be nicer" and it never ever is.... it does have the following positives:
it's shorter
it has Valentine's Day (I LAOVE Valentine's Day up in here! yes yes yes, red hearts! cookies! chocolate! bring it on!
it's shorter
march follows it
things have been rough around the edges. I find myself saying "ADELYNN!" in that sharp tone of voice I thought I would never ever do more often than I care to admit. I have to remind myself that my toddler isn't doing things just to spite me. Like when I've made her three separate dinners and she throws my organic ground beef to the dogs... or when she repeatedly tries to rip out the TV cords... or stand on furniture... or SCREAM at the top of her lungs when for god's sake I am just trying to wipe YOUR LUNCH FROM YOUR FACE.
but life right now is good. at this time last year, Jim and I's relationship had taken a major hit from adding a child. It was not an easy transition. I went from my whole sense of self being defined at work and going out, etc to taking care of a tiny human full time and not working outside the home. We had trouble communicating, lots of trouble and winter doesn't help any. It is a breathe of fresh air to be on the same page this year. We have had a lot of extraneous matters pop up this month that have been outside our control and at the end of the day we have found our comfort and hope in each other. It's not a bad place to be at. I am so thankful to have a partner, to have my person. To look at someone at the end of the day and know that in five minutes, five years, twenty years, that's who I will be looking at.
Yesterday I told Jim "when Adelynn is grown and married and has kids of her own we will still have each other." It's a sobering thought in more ways than one, my baby who takes up all of my free time now will move on and move out, Jim and I will be left with the foundation that we built and I don't want to be left with a stranger then. It is part of the reason it is so important to me to keep my relationship strong. We will eventually only have each other again. So you have to build this force, flexible enough to handle these outside forces that demand all of your skill and strong enough to just be comfortable with the two of you.
And because this was a total tangent of thought that I wasn't planning on, hello rabbit trail. I will leave you of a pic of my cutie, cutie, cutie pie, who I should mention, at just shy of 16 months is giving the best fucking hugs you could ask for. I mean these hugs could bring peace to just about any conflict. I just stand there and hold this lanky little girl who has her still chubby hands wrapped around my neck and breathe in the scent of aquaphor and eucerin and my eyes tear and my heart stops for that moment.
sleeping beauty who passed out at Christmas dinner. lololol.
toddler tantrums... err favorites.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
hello toddlerhood.
how nice of you to join us in the dead of winter, in ohio, where there is just too too too many options for us to get out and about.
okay, enough sarcasm. yes this winter has been/is difficult and I may or may not feel like I am currently an inpatient in an asylum, but I wanted to do a quick post and share what I feel is a true treasure trove. and that is the following recipe
Banana/Spinach Smoothie:
I make this in our nutribullet in the short size cup which proves to be the perfect size for her but it can easily be made in a blender. In the summer I will most likely freeze the banana for a different texture/colder drink.
Hopefully some of your toddlers/picky eaters enjoy this as well and I PROMISE to be back later this week with some more posting :)
how nice of you to join us in the dead of winter, in ohio, where there is just too too too many options for us to get out and about.
okay, enough sarcasm. yes this winter has been/is difficult and I may or may not feel like I am currently an inpatient in an asylum, but I wanted to do a quick post and share what I feel is a true treasure trove. and that is the following recipe
Banana/Spinach Smoothie:
- half a banana
- handlful of spinach
- tablespoon of peanut butter
- splash of whole milk
I make this in our nutribullet in the short size cup which proves to be the perfect size for her but it can easily be made in a blender. In the summer I will most likely freeze the banana for a different texture/colder drink.
Hopefully some of your toddlers/picky eaters enjoy this as well and I PROMISE to be back later this week with some more posting :)
hesitancy.
Monday, January 13, 2014
I started this blog almost a year ago and it has definitely not lived up to what I was planning for it. I was envisioning a source of income, an outlet, and a way to make friends. However, this does come at a trade-off. I am not a fashion blogger and haven't been able to master being a cooking blogger although I would love to. I don't to great with pictures and haven't been consistent in my posting. A large online presence comes at a trade-off. I have struggled this year with giving strangers an intimate view at my day and my daughter's day. I don't know exactly what the right parameters to establish are and I am not sure where this blog is going to go.
I'm not ready to give up on it though and I am hoping to carve out some time and space to work on this little online presence and develop it, hopefully into something meaningful both for myself and for others (hello run-on sentence!). Bear with me as I aim to do this but in the meantime...
here is what we've been up to.
had one year photos taken
celebrated Christmas (ahh no pictures yet!) but this was the best and most magical Christmas ever. my little jelly bean was so overwhelmed when she came down the stairs and saw all the presents. I don't think she knew what to think but then she saw some blocks and was like "oh cool I get to play with this!" we stayed home for the first time ever and it was wonderful. I wore leggings all day, we chowed down on monkey bread, coffee, a Christmas ham and mimosas. My parents stopped by for a couple hours and dropped off our gifts, the wagon was a huge hit with Adelynn.
made resolutions for the new year. I have a lot of new years resolutions and I have always enjoyed making my lists and striving to be intentional with my year. I post my list on the refrigerator and keep track of my goals. But my main theme for this year is getting to know myself and being ok with it. I almost want to make a cute wall hang of "Be Yourself" and I know it is so sesame street, but I am 26 and a mom and I don't want this insecurity hanging about any longer. I want to inspire Adelynn to always be ok with herself whether she loves tattoos or hates them, whether she gets married or stays single, if cats and singing are her thing awesome, if she is more into grunge music and skateboarding - that's cool too. I am doing nothing for the world, myself, and most importantly, my family but letting doubt in. Last year I talked worry this year- it's self doubt. Jim always says to me that I constantly underestimate myself and what I can do. I resolve to work on this.
enjoying my family - having kids seriously speeds up your life. one minute you are looking at this tiny little newborn with curled fists and closed eyes and the next thing you know they are walking around, screaming, dancing, just in general having a kick ass time with their life. My daughter enjoys her life so fully and I want to be just like that. I spend/spent so much time worrying about things and (soapbox moment) life is SHORT. Things are flying by faster than anything. The twenties are a rough stage, you are figuring yourself out, figuring life out, At the start of this decade I was unattached, still in school with no bills or worries, halfway through I had a husband, a household, and a kid! It's a lot and there are tons of changes, so it's best to just buckle up and enjoy it while you can!
I'm not ready to give up on it though and I am hoping to carve out some time and space to work on this little online presence and develop it, hopefully into something meaningful both for myself and for others (hello run-on sentence!). Bear with me as I aim to do this but in the meantime...
here is what we've been up to.
had one year photos taken
celebrated Christmas (ahh no pictures yet!) but this was the best and most magical Christmas ever. my little jelly bean was so overwhelmed when she came down the stairs and saw all the presents. I don't think she knew what to think but then she saw some blocks and was like "oh cool I get to play with this!" we stayed home for the first time ever and it was wonderful. I wore leggings all day, we chowed down on monkey bread, coffee, a Christmas ham and mimosas. My parents stopped by for a couple hours and dropped off our gifts, the wagon was a huge hit with Adelynn.
made resolutions for the new year. I have a lot of new years resolutions and I have always enjoyed making my lists and striving to be intentional with my year. I post my list on the refrigerator and keep track of my goals. But my main theme for this year is getting to know myself and being ok with it. I almost want to make a cute wall hang of "Be Yourself" and I know it is so sesame street, but I am 26 and a mom and I don't want this insecurity hanging about any longer. I want to inspire Adelynn to always be ok with herself whether she loves tattoos or hates them, whether she gets married or stays single, if cats and singing are her thing awesome, if she is more into grunge music and skateboarding - that's cool too. I am doing nothing for the world, myself, and most importantly, my family but letting doubt in. Last year I talked worry this year- it's self doubt. Jim always says to me that I constantly underestimate myself and what I can do. I resolve to work on this.
enjoying my family - having kids seriously speeds up your life. one minute you are looking at this tiny little newborn with curled fists and closed eyes and the next thing you know they are walking around, screaming, dancing, just in general having a kick ass time with their life. My daughter enjoys her life so fully and I want to be just like that. I spend/spent so much time worrying about things and (soapbox moment) life is SHORT. Things are flying by faster than anything. The twenties are a rough stage, you are figuring yourself out, figuring life out, At the start of this decade I was unattached, still in school with no bills or worries, halfway through I had a husband, a household, and a kid! It's a lot and there are tons of changes, so it's best to just buckle up and enjoy it while you can!
i haven't given up.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
I haven't given up on this blog. I am still breathing, eating, sleeping, being a mom.
I want to revamp and renew and will be back soon :)
I want to revamp and renew and will be back soon :)
oh hey.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
oh hey everyone.
yep still here. still breathing although that last post doesn't make it seem like it.
this is such an interesting stage to be at in my life because i feel like i've been going at it so long. but then i take stock of my inventory and i realize, jim and i are really at the beginning still. our third (!) anniversary is in december and while i can't believe it's been that long, it really is still the first chapter. and that realization helps. to know that it's okay if we don't have everything i want, it's ok if we are short on money and don't own a home yet. it's okay to know that there will be new additions added and new hard times and good times to come.
fall has always been my favorite season, i think most mid westerners will agree, there is nothing like the perfect fall day. this year i have been trying to ruminate on why i personally love fall so much as it goes beyond pumpkin spice lattes (yes i worked it in) and cable knit cardigans. as someone who thrives on being busy and even at times unhealthily thrives on stress, there is something soothing about watching your world prepare for rest. to know that even the trees take time to let go of their leaves and stay quiet. rest has never been something i'm good at, i'm much better at "well, i feel like i am at a really good place, let's add one more thing" so to see nature so completely fall into a resting state, i can't help but feel it does my soul good.
take note soul, the point of life is to enjoy it. i am constantly relearning that lesson everyday. with cold toes and warm coffee in the morning with my little one, with a beer at lunch just because i can, holding hands with my husband, and yes with pumpkin spice lattes.
heart, welcome fall, welcome the rest that this winter will provide.
yep still here. still breathing although that last post doesn't make it seem like it.
this is such an interesting stage to be at in my life because i feel like i've been going at it so long. but then i take stock of my inventory and i realize, jim and i are really at the beginning still. our third (!) anniversary is in december and while i can't believe it's been that long, it really is still the first chapter. and that realization helps. to know that it's okay if we don't have everything i want, it's ok if we are short on money and don't own a home yet. it's okay to know that there will be new additions added and new hard times and good times to come.
fall has always been my favorite season, i think most mid westerners will agree, there is nothing like the perfect fall day. this year i have been trying to ruminate on why i personally love fall so much as it goes beyond pumpkin spice lattes (yes i worked it in) and cable knit cardigans. as someone who thrives on being busy and even at times unhealthily thrives on stress, there is something soothing about watching your world prepare for rest. to know that even the trees take time to let go of their leaves and stay quiet. rest has never been something i'm good at, i'm much better at "well, i feel like i am at a really good place, let's add one more thing" so to see nature so completely fall into a resting state, i can't help but feel it does my soul good.
take note soul, the point of life is to enjoy it. i am constantly relearning that lesson everyday. with cold toes and warm coffee in the morning with my little one, with a beer at lunch just because i can, holding hands with my husband, and yes with pumpkin spice lattes.
heart, welcome fall, welcome the rest that this winter will provide.
money money monayyyyyyy
Monday, September 23, 2013
when i quit my job, 11/30/12, my husband and i didn't really have plan. we knew it was important to us for me to not work and stay home and we knew that he alone didn't make enough money. fortunately, he receives a big bonus in december and that along with our income return kept us going for... well a while.
and now we are here, 9/22/13, and i have insomnia and have had insomnia on/off for weeks. because we are so so so short on cash. and instead of just focusing on paying the bills in front of me i am stressing out about credit card debt and trying to buy a house and just getting my freakin car paid off already and "why weren't we smarter for the two years before we had a kid?!:!" it is so so so hard. today jim told me that i act like i am at a morgue when we spend money. and honestly, it's probably true. i feel like i am suffocating. like there is an elephant on my chest and it is just all piling up at once. and i feel like i am in this tunnel and i just can't see the light even though i know it is there, in december, when he gets his next bonus.
and so i am sitting here not sleeping, being stressed about not sleeping because hello i am babysitting every day this week and who knows if my child will nap at the other persons house and who knows what i will accomplish and how much screaming it will be and hello you have a toddler now not a baby who actually demands your full attention ALL THE TIME because she is constantly trying to climb the stairs, open cupboards, PUT DOG TOYS IN HER MOUTH, REACH IN THE TOILET WHILE YOU TRY TO PUT ON MASCARA. and it's just a lot ya'll. i feel like panicking but there is no where to go and oh my god that makes it sound so depressing. because i love being a stay at home mom and i love my family. but i just want this money thing under control and i don't know what the answer is.
i know we can make it two months, in my head i know this. i know we will be fine, but physicallly i don't know what is going on. i just can't get it to compute. this stage in life is so hard and overwhelming and wonderful. i know it doesn't get simpler, i don't need it simpler i just need it a little easier. i need my mind to shut down and rest.
all summer, the baby was waking up multiple times at night, usually 5-8, and during this time, i have never know exhaustion like i did then. it was terrible, looking back on it i have no idea how i survived. and yet this is so much worse, this sensation where you can feel your mind starting to race at 9, knowing that it isn't going to shut down and power off. knowing that you will be awake and alone. knowing that you are facing another week.
i was hoping writing would help, maybe it will. i guess you don't know unless you try.
and now we are here, 9/22/13, and i have insomnia and have had insomnia on/off for weeks. because we are so so so short on cash. and instead of just focusing on paying the bills in front of me i am stressing out about credit card debt and trying to buy a house and just getting my freakin car paid off already and "why weren't we smarter for the two years before we had a kid?!:!" it is so so so hard. today jim told me that i act like i am at a morgue when we spend money. and honestly, it's probably true. i feel like i am suffocating. like there is an elephant on my chest and it is just all piling up at once. and i feel like i am in this tunnel and i just can't see the light even though i know it is there, in december, when he gets his next bonus.
and so i am sitting here not sleeping, being stressed about not sleeping because hello i am babysitting every day this week and who knows if my child will nap at the other persons house and who knows what i will accomplish and how much screaming it will be and hello you have a toddler now not a baby who actually demands your full attention ALL THE TIME because she is constantly trying to climb the stairs, open cupboards, PUT DOG TOYS IN HER MOUTH, REACH IN THE TOILET WHILE YOU TRY TO PUT ON MASCARA. and it's just a lot ya'll. i feel like panicking but there is no where to go and oh my god that makes it sound so depressing. because i love being a stay at home mom and i love my family. but i just want this money thing under control and i don't know what the answer is.
i know we can make it two months, in my head i know this. i know we will be fine, but physicallly i don't know what is going on. i just can't get it to compute. this stage in life is so hard and overwhelming and wonderful. i know it doesn't get simpler, i don't need it simpler i just need it a little easier. i need my mind to shut down and rest.
all summer, the baby was waking up multiple times at night, usually 5-8, and during this time, i have never know exhaustion like i did then. it was terrible, looking back on it i have no idea how i survived. and yet this is so much worse, this sensation where you can feel your mind starting to race at 9, knowing that it isn't going to shut down and power off. knowing that you will be awake and alone. knowing that you are facing another week.
i was hoping writing would help, maybe it will. i guess you don't know unless you try.
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