it's not about me.

a week ago or so jim asked me what I wanted for mother's day in a "what do you want to do for Mother's day" kinda way.  I asked for a couple hours to myself guilt free, to sleep in and some sort of breakfast.

see last year, my mother-in-law came into town for mother's day and so my weekend was filled with cleaning, cooking and planning - all while still caring for my seventh month old and feeling in general just crazy.  so in my mind I was fully engaged in a "I DESERVE A MOTHER'S DAY! I DO SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH!!! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO!"  and the like.  not a very flattering portrait of myself, but an accurate one.

however, life had other plans.  my poor babe came down sick on Saturday and slept horribly (goodbye sleeping in!) and refused to be peeled from my body for most of Sunday.  we basically were one skin.  I had laid her down for a nap at about one hoping she would go to sleep on her own for a bit and from the kitchen I hear "mommy....  mommy" in the most pitiful voice you can imagine.  So I went up and picked up her little feverish body and rocked her on the floor and she fell asleep.  Eventually I shifted her so we were both laying on the floor and I fell asleep too.  Before I did though, I realized something that it is kind of unfortunate it took me this long to realize - it's not about me.  What I do, day in and day out is not for me.  The cooking, the cleaning, the kisses, the scheduling - it's not for my benefit or for my accolades - it is truly for my family.  For my babe and baby-that's-coming, for my husband who works so hard so I can be at home with our littles. 

And it's funny, that thought brought a lot of freedom.  Freedom from needing the constant affirmations, From needing everyone to realize just how hard I am working for them. 

I am not sure how to wrap this, it's still a new thought and a new lesson that I am sure will be molding my life in the months and years to come but I do want to say.  To all the Mother's out there, salute, we are doing one hell of a job, and if you can remember to say - it's for them.