You are with me in the quiet where my soul finds rest.  I turn to you, a small child, overcome with emotions, my mind frayed at the seams, weeping and grasping.  You cradle me - your arms encircling me... Barely whispering breathe "there there child, it's ok it's ok" I shudder and shake against your unmovable force while the grief overcomes me.

You are with me in the storm as my fists beat out against the injustice.  As I raise my voice in fury and scream out against the unfair the unfair the unfair.  A hurricane sweeps across the land my fury wrapped in it, it screams out in the silence "he is gone she is gone he is gone she is gone" a drumbeat against my soul as I search for answers that aren't there, as I find meaning and restoration instead.

I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this!!!
Let me back, let me back, let me back.
I want to be back.

The child is always screaming. All is lost all is lost.  My head does not lift- it is weighted with sorrow.  My soul does not jump - it is chained with regret.  My eyes weep tears, always tears.

We struggle.  We struggle. We struggle.

Ellybean,
How has it already been over three months since I cradled your warm body against mine?  Since I kissed your sweet face and sent the last snapchat of us?  I was so excited to just be snuggling you.  So proud to be your mom.  I still am your mom I guess.... But so much of me feels you have been lost to me forever.  You completed my happiness, my heart and my life.

Will my world ever feel full without you there?  Will I ever glimpse a sight of my kids playing and not think "I wish there was three?" Will the comment "your kids are so good with babies!" Ever not rip my soul in two?  Of course they are good with babies.... They had you to love.  Why did you come just to be taken?

I bear the weight of your loss alone.  For all time- you will be known as a daughter only to me.

Your loss is brutal, soul suffering agony.  I will miss you forever, your presence will always be the whisper of something absent, I wish you were
MINE.
To hold, to kiss, to sing to.

Oh Elly, Elly, Elly.
I love you,
Your mom