let it flow

it is the cusp of autumn here in the south.  i know some places up north have already faced snow, meanwhile we are trucking in at 85 degrees still.  the leaves are changing though, and falling, crunching under our feet as we run out the door and getting tracked into the house as we come in.

we are starting to settle.  the dust is starting to clear, numb is wearing off.  and i am faced with life, the reality of life, and for the first time in this, i feel ready.  ready for a job, ready to interact with people again and not have them know every detail about the situation, ready to cook for my family, ready to be emotionally available to my kids so they can process their grief.  

when everything first happened, i felt so apart from society, so marked and scarred.  it was crazy to me that i could be walking around doing normal things and these people around me didn't know what happened.  you almost have this compulsion to spill it to everyone, to tell them what's going on, to explain to them how fire came and swept through your life and you didn't see it coming.  

it's remarkable how everything heals.  the capacity of a human to endure pain is amazing to me.  i honestly wasn't sure how anyone could survive what i have been through before i underwent it.  and looking back i still question, was that me?  how did i not break?  where did this flexibility for pain come from?  

we just bounce back right?  and even more than that we ascribe meaning and significance to the pain, with the realization and understanding that great things are born from it.  webster's defines great as "of an extent, amount, or intensity considerably above the normal or average" 

above average, what we all strive for.  born from pain.  it is a puzzle i turn in my mind a dozen times a day.  and there are no answers.



but to bring us to today, to bring us to the ringside moment.  the rope goes up and i am back in the ring.  broken but undefeated.  bring it, i am READY.