reflection.

i watched a video that my iPhone made, a video of 2016.  and it had just all of these beautiful and painful moments just wrapped into this four minute video.

the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

but i saw so much smiling in those videos.  so many sweet moments and so many memories that happened when i was in a fog that felt all encompassing.



this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
this year my daughter made beautiful friendships because people weren't afraid to reach out
this year i have accomplished more of my own dreams than i did ever before
this year i have hurt people intentionally and unintentionally and i am still loved to my core by so many
this year someone paid for the last month of tuition of addy's dance
this year people have thought of me and my family across cities and states, holding us in their prayers and hearts
this year i had people who were brave enough to say goodbye to me because they knew it was what i needed
this year i had people celebrate even when i didn't feel like it
this year i had money stuck in my mailbox and meals dropped off on my porch and  cell phone numbers given to me
this year i had a job given to me no strings attached


this year i had people fight and fight and fight for me.  fight for me when my heart was too heavy to lift.  fight for me when i needed it most.

pain, pain is so hard.  but in my pain i have experienced a deeper and more authentic beauty than i have ever seen before in my life.  the human condition is flawed and broken.  it is difficult, at times, to lift our heads above the muck.

but it is there.  and so from the bottom of my heart, i want to say thank you.  thank you to each and every single person.  thank you to the people that loved, thank you to the people that cut me off in traffic and reminded me that i'm still a normal person and not separate from society, thank you thank you thank you.

2016.... it's been real.