"how will she open the presents we get her if she is in heaven?"
-when you encounter death at four





i sit here.  in sweats, hair pulled back, open bud light leftover from when jill visited me next to me.  memories have been coming more frequently.  today i had to take a break from work and pen a quick letter to jim because i missed him so much i couldn't concentrate.

life is so fluid, my life felt so concrete before.  i fought the most difficult battle of my life and the honest truth is, i'm still struggling in so many ways.  i don't know what i am doing, i know what i feel meant in my heart to do.  i don't have room to take much into account other than my immediate needs and the needs of my children.

i wish she had lived.  i wish i would have died instead.  i wish tough times guaranteed a smooth path. i wish i could hold her one more time.  i wish i would have gotten her that morning.  i wish her eyes could lock with mine again.  i wish she could open her presents and eat her cake.  i wish my wishes mattered.

in my weakest moments, i wish this story was someone else's to tell.

elly elly elly elly.