sometimes i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.  staring down thirty and i still have a hard time saying "i accept."  i accept you, i accept me, i accept flaws and imperfections and meltdowns and and and and and.

it goes on and on, right?  always something new.  new blindspots are always illuminated (oh i didn't know).

it's hard to be enough.  i guess the truth is, i'm never enough.  it's why i don't get my worth from myself, it's why we always feel empty.

i think, to understand what lights you up, to know what makes you happy, it's extremely valuable, especially in current conditions.  i would say most people don't know what truly makes them happy.  social media would tell you it's probably food, a skinny body, or giving zero fucks.  and that's not possible right?  it will always matter what people think, because it will always matter what we think.  it's not the ONLY thing that matters, but sometimes i wonder if we are losing a part of ourselves when we feel the need to constantly show all of our bodies in a need to say "this is normal and it's okay" is it possible to be a body positive feminist and not show my stomach on my instagram?  are we, as females, losing something precious by needing to throw our bodies out in public in an effort to normalize how they look?  i haven't noticed a lot of men needing to do similar.

i guess my question is, are we still focused on the wrong thing?

at the end of the day, my body is just that, a body.  i've seen bodies expire, i've seen bodies break, i've seen bodies be tucked and toned and lifted, and at the end of the day, month, year, it doesn't do a damn thing.

is it your body that you need to embrace, or does it go deeper?  by focusing on the stretch marks, curves, and body hair -- do we lose sight of our humanity?  is our humanity truly tied up in our looks?  god help us if that's the case.  i struggle with my body, everyone does.  medications have made my weight fluctuate, i'm always happiest when i'm about ten pounds lighter than i am now.  but i'll tell you now, my struggles as a person, as a mom, as a woman- they are NOT my stretch marks, curves and body hair.

it's true that our looks do not determine our worth, but can we not stop there?  can we remember that it is not our humanity that is tied up in our looks?  can we push past the surface level (literally and figuratively)

your life is short.
your body will break.
what are you focused on?

be(for)e you
I didn't think my heart would ever find a home outside of itself
again.
be(for)e you
I didn't know if my roots would grow again

you just take the coffee and mix it with the cream and it
it swirls
it melts

we all just want to belong to somebody
and it, it is strange to be loved
to be desired and wanted

to be looked at like you look at me
to be held like you hold me

when your heart has been stitched back together
painful stitch after painful stitch
you embrace when it swells past those stitches

with love
with hope
with the tentative promise that the future holds

all of a sudden (all of a sudden)
all.of.a.sudden
there's the dawn.

(tired of tired)

who said this was easy again?
who promised you the world would fold itself in and you could tuck it into your palm?
who said you could harness the wind, the rains, the floods?
(WHOlied.toyou.)

living is not for the faint of heart.  life seems to be a never ending struggle of getting close to knocked out, only to pick yourself back up again.
life is admitting not everything is for you.
life is sometimes knowing when to bow out.
life is knowing you are meant for more but feeling stuck, feeling stagnant.

i've grown up always feeling different.  physically i was awkward, as a child and a teen, mostly limbs, skinny, curly blonde hair.  my friend from high school that i reconnected with said the thing he remembered most about me is that i would be hunched over physically and it reminded him of me being hunched in on myself emotionally as well.

there is a hilary duff movie called raise your voice (alayne you are getting a major shoutout right now) that alayne and i were obsessed with back in the day.  the main boy says to hilary duff "why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

and.... this is probably the most embarrassing thing i've ever written on here but i'm just gonna roll with it, now you all know i watched hilary duff in high school.

society tries so hard to make us fit.  to mold, to shape, to stamp us, one by one.  standardized sizes, standardized tests, standardized diets.  as if a clothing company can define us by a number written on a tag measuring a half an inch across.  as if a bubble filled in can adequately measure the wisdom hidden in a child's mind.  as if a doctor who never met me or seen my physical body can best tell me what to fuel it with.

my life has never fit the mold, and it doesn't seem like it's on any sort of track to start conforming now.  i may as well roll with it.  if you're going to be extra, you may as well be really extra.

the crazy thing is, my biggest source of doubt is myself, and i project it onto other people without ever actually getting their opinion.

so here, for everyone to know and see and witness and realize, here is what i want.  here is what i know i am created for and my purpose in life.

i want to share, i want to tell my story, i want to motivate, i want to connect with people, i want to share about what i believe because it's probably not typical, i want to provide an income for my family with my words and with sharing my heart because it is the most valuable strength i have, i want to finish my book, i want to go to grad school, i want to talk to people about nutrition and essential oils and meditation and the things that have helped me heal, i want to remind people that you are NOT your circumstances.

play to your strengths.

you have it rough?  good, it's a chance to mother fucking shine.  get it.