sometimes i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.  staring down thirty and i still have a hard time saying "i accept."  i accept you, i accept me, i accept flaws and imperfections and meltdowns and and and and and.

it goes on and on, right?  always something new.  new blindspots are always illuminated (oh i didn't know).

it's hard to be enough.  i guess the truth is, i'm never enough.  it's why i don't get my worth from myself, it's why we always feel empty.

i think, to understand what lights you up, to know what makes you happy, it's extremely valuable, especially in current conditions.  i would say most people don't know what truly makes them happy.  social media would tell you it's probably food, a skinny body, or giving zero fucks.  and that's not possible right?  it will always matter what people think, because it will always matter what we think.  it's not the ONLY thing that matters, but sometimes i wonder if we are losing a part of ourselves when we feel the need to constantly show all of our bodies in a need to say "this is normal and it's okay" is it possible to be a body positive feminist and not show my stomach on my instagram?  are we, as females, losing something precious by needing to throw our bodies out in public in an effort to normalize how they look?  i haven't noticed a lot of men needing to do similar.

i guess my question is, are we still focused on the wrong thing?

at the end of the day, my body is just that, a body.  i've seen bodies expire, i've seen bodies break, i've seen bodies be tucked and toned and lifted, and at the end of the day, month, year, it doesn't do a damn thing.

is it your body that you need to embrace, or does it go deeper?  by focusing on the stretch marks, curves, and body hair -- do we lose sight of our humanity?  is our humanity truly tied up in our looks?  god help us if that's the case.  i struggle with my body, everyone does.  medications have made my weight fluctuate, i'm always happiest when i'm about ten pounds lighter than i am now.  but i'll tell you now, my struggles as a person, as a mom, as a woman- they are NOT my stretch marks, curves and body hair.

it's true that our looks do not determine our worth, but can we not stop there?  can we remember that it is not our humanity that is tied up in our looks?  can we push past the surface level (literally and figuratively)

your life is short.
your body will break.
what are you focused on?