my experience with anxiety, PTSD, and managing symptoms

i have struggled with anxiety for a long time.  in high school and college, it manifested itself through an eating disorder.  i remember my senior year of college, i would literally spend hours and hours filling out every online application available.  not even taking the time to fill them properly, or check if the job was a good fit, but rather just throw my name out into the universe as if a blanketed approach of my name would guarantee safety and security.

i was in therapy my senior year, i got a roommate to help manage my availability of purging, and eventually i found a job.  anxiety continued to be beneath the surface for me.  many times while we were married, jim would comment on how miserable i could make an entire weekend just by having an issue and not being willing to confront it due to my fear.

throughout the three years of being a stay at home mom, i started learning about alternative methods to handle it, meditation, running, essential oils.  my life seemed to be going pretty well, and i finally let go of the fear of waiting for the other shoe to fall. 

after they died, i most definitely slipped into a state of PTSD.  the sounds of sirens or people screaming would undo me.  i remember Addy would have these screaming fits and i would just be unable to cope.  several times, we would be in the car, she'd be screaming, and i would just count down the minutes till we made it home.  i would run inside the house and start screaming and punching pillows until exhausted and i felt i could safely and effectively parent them again. 

i would regularly have anxiety attacks, crying to the point of hyperventilation, feelings of absolute hopelessness.  but eventually, they subsided... it took probably close to a year for regular ones to stop popping up.  a lot of it, i credit to the stability and calming presence Christian brought to my life, i also stopped drinking for thirty days last may which seemed to help and i continued with self-discovery, internal healing (chiropractic and supplements) and braintap (which i can't recommend enough). 

typing all that to say, when i got pregnant.  i knew that i would eventually have a breakdown.  i didn't know when, i thought maybe it would wait until after i brought the baby home, but i've been waiting, watching the clock tick by on the weeks...  12 weeks and no panic attack, 20 weeks and no panic attack.

this past week, i've been off, i've felt it.  this wave that was building and building.  i've felt like crying most days for no reason, i've been panicky and short.  thursday on my way to work, i drove past a house that was in a crisis.  ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars parked on the lawn - lights blazing, officers in heavy black boots and serious faces stomping in and out of the house.  it almost happened then, but i managed it, texted christian, it took a couple hours but it subsided.

last night i was laying in bed, kids, dogs, and christian all sleeping soundly.  and the reel started playing.  the reel of reality of watching my daughter die, of going to a fire station with her broken body, of never bringing her home, of my husband dying.  and it happened, this overwhelming feeling of "i can't i can't i can't" i can't bring a baby home, what if something happens, what if i make a mistake, what if i can't be a good mom, christian would hate me, our relationship would fall apart.  i can't i can't i can't. 

the fear is very real.  the panic is very real.  a lot of people have wondered, how i'm managing this pregnancy, how i am holding up mentally.  it is no small feat to lose so much and then go through similar motions.  there are so many feelings of not deserving the things i have because i lost so much, an undue feeling of blame and despair. 

but i made it through.  i let the wave crash as terrible as it was.  i eventually slept and eventually woke up today.  i don't know if i will ever not have anxiety as part of my life.  but i manage it now, i see it clearly for what it is when it comes.  it is not a friend, a coping mechanism, or a managing tool.  it is a crippling tool of defeat and slavery. 

it's ok to be honest about having anxiety or PTSD, it's ok to struggle, to wake up in a cold sweat with racing thoughts.  but it's also ok to get better, to seek help when you need it, to be honest about what you need, want or desire in those moments. 

pregnancy after loss and writing when it doesn't hurt

it is so difficult for me to write in the midst of joy, or of normality.  after jim and elly died, i was able to write these compelling and heart-wrenching essays without any thought, or really any effort.  it was more of a compulsion, a need to share. 

what am i in the middle of right now?  freezing temps and a touch of SAD, aligning my actions with what i am deeming to be priority for our family, financial goals and getting financially right after purchasing a house.  re-aligning the structural unit of our family.

it is a pretty common occurrence, that when a parent passes away, the eldest child will normally step into the role, or do their best.  addy did this for me, comforting me in the night when i was sobbing, in the day, i would unconsciously run things past her - not used to no longer having my partner to speak with. she went through the unthinkable with me and out of everyone, bore the brunt of the tragedy with me.

the past six months or so, we have had to re-route her back to childhood as we best know how.  reminding her that she is five, she no longer makes rules, and it is not her job to protect me.  i think that's how everyone in my family feels.  we are all stepping back into or defining new roles.  christian as a step-parent, me as someone's partner, and my children as exactly that- my young children.  when all of my words are used to explain how i feel to my partner, or all my thoughts are used in an untangling of myself and journal entries, i have so little to type out, so little to share.  we are in such a fragile time and as such, are in a protective time, a time of fostering what our family is.





and then there is the babe, the promise of things yet to be.  my pastor asked us to define our 2017 and pick a word for 2018.  2017 was renewal for me, "an instance of resuming an activity or state after an interruption"

i am not sure i have picked 2018 yet.  my emotions flurry around excitement, anxiousness, and just genuine joy.  my goals are small but mighty, 

to rely on internal renewal through the spirit to be more present and more patient for my children.  my own efforts fail in a mighty way but the fruits of the spirit have been renewed and i see so much evidence of that recently.  

to align my actions with my priorities and to stop forcing bricks into the wrong spot, instead allowing things to be presented in their own time.  



2017 held the greatest gifts i have ever received.  for that received after loss, the vulnerability of feeling the cruel, tentative grasp we have on life and allowing love back in is more valuable than the naive, blind understanding that love is ours for the taking.