it is so difficult for me to write in the midst of joy, or of normality. after jim and elly died, i was able to write these compelling and heart-wrenching essays without any thought, or really any effort. it was more of a compulsion, a need to share.
what am i in the middle of right now? freezing temps and a touch of SAD, aligning my actions with what i am deeming to be priority for our family, financial goals and getting financially right after purchasing a house. re-aligning the structural unit of our family.
it is a pretty common occurrence, that when a parent passes away, the eldest child will normally step into the role, or do their best. addy did this for me, comforting me in the night when i was sobbing, in the day, i would unconsciously run things past her - not used to no longer having my partner to speak with. she went through the unthinkable with me and out of everyone, bore the brunt of the tragedy with me.
the past six months or so, we have had to re-route her back to childhood as we best know how. reminding her that she is five, she no longer makes rules, and it is not her job to protect me. i think that's how everyone in my family feels. we are all stepping back into or defining new roles. christian as a step-parent, me as someone's partner, and my children as exactly that- my young children. when all of my words are used to explain how i feel to my partner, or all my thoughts are used in an untangling of myself and journal entries, i have so little to type out, so little to share. we are in such a fragile time and as such, are in a protective time, a time of fostering what our family is.
and then there is the babe, the promise of things yet to be. my pastor asked us to define our 2017 and pick a word for 2018. 2017 was renewal for me, "an instance of resuming an activity or state after an interruption"
i am not sure i have picked 2018 yet. my emotions flurry around excitement, anxiousness, and just genuine joy. my goals are small but mighty,
to rely on internal renewal through the spirit to be more present and more patient for my children. my own efforts fail in a mighty way but the fruits of the spirit have been renewed and i see so much evidence of that recently.
to align my actions with my priorities and to stop forcing bricks into the wrong spot, instead allowing things to be presented in their own time.
2017 held the greatest gifts i have ever received. for that received after loss, the vulnerability of feeling the cruel, tentative grasp we have on life and allowing love back in is more valuable than the naive, blind understanding that love is ours for the taking.
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