when 2016 hit me, i knew what was going to happen after that. and it's interesting, as we enter 2019 to sit back and share this, what has made me the most vulnerable.
more vulnerable than losing my child and my husband was that in the aftermath, i felt it had been wasted.
after it all happened, i spent the next year making plans, plans about how it wasn't going to break me, plans on how to share my story, plans on breaking silence and stigma, building a successful career out of hardship, using my story to provide for my children, being an entrepreneur.
and then, on the very last day of 2016, 9 months since i lost my husband, i wrote in my journal that i wanted to find love in the next year.
my steps since then have been so different than what i thought. i suddenly found myself in a very serious relationship and 6 months after that, found out i was expecting. Christian and i are about to celebrate our two year (dating anniversary) next month and in that year we have, moved in together, bought a house together, gone through pregnancy, had a baby, and gotten married.
and through all of those amazing steps, i wondered why i'm not speaking, why i'm not writing my book, why is my story being wasted.
since the new year started, i have had powerful lies revealed in my life. lies that i believed the narrative of without questioning.
that the pain was all a waste
that i am squandering my time
that i was meant to do something different
in all honesty, i was having a hard time being content in this season. because as unexpected as those losses were, the follow up steps have been JUST AS UNEXPECTED. and that is the crux of it all, that we as humans, can get knocked completely on our asses and still get up and feel that we can figure it out.
but i cannot figure it out. i cannot figure out why so many of my dreams have been put on hold. and to be honest, i am done trying. and so i sit, i sit in my season. today i wrote these truths on the mirror
"God has equipped me"
"my children are my ministry"
"the power within me is greater than the forces outside of me"
I have been devouring Bible verses about self-talk, about fixing our thoughts, focusing on what is joyful and mindful. I am striving to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I have written my reminders everywhere, reciting them as often as I can. First thing in the morning, last thing at night.
I am done with the lies about myself and my story. I am done with striving to make the pain have a purpose.
Because that energy? that energy could be put to my babies, to my partner, to myself. To joy, to laughter, to contentment. I am content in my season.
failing.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
its 2019. and i, always a resolutionist, have scoured and wracked my brain for what i want. what i want to do, to accomplish, to be this year. and to be honest, i haven't come up with much yet.
1. run our local towns race in June
2. a night away with Christian (havent done this yet in our two years of being together)
3. slow down
and maybe that's why i haven't tacked things on, maybe i don't want to look at a long list of things i didn't accomplish or didn't get to, things i failed at again.
i'm on a break from instagram. i am terrible with instagram, for some reason i can see past so many social media platforms- i don't use snapchat anymore, facebook is a rarity, but man that instagram gets me.
the beauty, the hilarity, the poignant. it's all there. inspiration and life tips, cardi b, it's all so accessible. and i spent a lot of time on it.
then christmas season started. and my feed was suddenly 50 trees all lit with garlands, families posing and smiling, and so in a moment of "if i see one more freaking gingerbread house before christmas comes, i will lose it! NO ONE EVEN LIKES MAKING GINGERBREAD HOUSES AND THEY TASTE LIKE TRASH" i deleted the app and it's not reinstalled yet. although in all honesty, i hopped on after christmas via safari and scrolled, caught up on kulture, you know the important things.
but my break from instagram went deeper than just a break from other peoples highlight reels. because something embarrassing happened when we moved into this house and i have just realized it in the past month or so.
when we moved, i paid for our bedroom walls to be painted white, because everyone i follow on instagram had white walls and they are the BEST, right boo? the best, so clean and pristine.
guys - i hate my white walls. hate them. i can't rest, they feel sterile, like my eyes are constantly bouncing because it's so reflective. and because i have lofted ceilings, it's not really like a paint it yourself kind of deal. so here i am 31 years old and painting my house to be like someone else, to emulate someone else. and that's embarrassing, and messed up.
and i need a break, i need to know who i am, at my core. without the distraction of looking at everyone else's capsule wardrobe, toddler meals, wall colors (LOL), book list to read.
what does bria weigle barber want? because somewhere along the way in this journey, i started censoring myself again. i came out of my pain a little bit and honestly, just desperately wanted to return to normal. i wanted to be normal. i let what i think other people think about me LIMIT my own actions.
are you getting that? i let what i think other people think limit me. i spend more time thinking about what other people will think about what i post, like, follow, or write than i do actually posting, liking, following, or writing.
i didn't want to be the girl whose first husband passed away from suicide. i didn't want to be the girl whose ex-father in law writes her emails about how her children suffer under her care. i didn't want to live all these uncomfortable and painful truths that somehow i found myself living. i didn't want to be the prodigal girl that returned to the church. i didn't want to be the girl that still drinks to much even though she always regrets it. i didn't want to be the girl who hasn't seen half her family for most of her life, whose mom passed away, the girl who felt unlovable, who still feels that way, the girl who wished not to be here, the girl who sometimes feels like she can't move because of depression.
who i don't want to be can go on and on. but i have to own my truth. and for whatever reason (i like to think it's because God works through suffering and he is going to work through me) this is my story.
pain is still pain, and sometimes when it becomes manageable pain. when you aren't drowning in pain, it becomes easier to stifle, to ignore, to pretend. in the beginning, i had no choice but to be raw, to be vulnerable, to be real. and sometimes when you have been in really deep pain, going back into it seems scary, like there is anything else i would rather do than sit in my pain and be okay with it and then come tell you about sitting in it via blog and public platform where people can pick it apart and ask me questions about it.
and so this is my resolution. in 2019, i'm not going to be afraid of pain. i'm not going to limit myself by what i think others will think (that phrase gets me every time), i'm going to hit publish on my raw and on my real, and i am going to stay the fuck off instagram.
here's to 2019!
1. run our local towns race in June
2. a night away with Christian (havent done this yet in our two years of being together)
3. slow down
and maybe that's why i haven't tacked things on, maybe i don't want to look at a long list of things i didn't accomplish or didn't get to, things i failed at again.
i'm on a break from instagram. i am terrible with instagram, for some reason i can see past so many social media platforms- i don't use snapchat anymore, facebook is a rarity, but man that instagram gets me.
the beauty, the hilarity, the poignant. it's all there. inspiration and life tips, cardi b, it's all so accessible. and i spent a lot of time on it.
then christmas season started. and my feed was suddenly 50 trees all lit with garlands, families posing and smiling, and so in a moment of "if i see one more freaking gingerbread house before christmas comes, i will lose it! NO ONE EVEN LIKES MAKING GINGERBREAD HOUSES AND THEY TASTE LIKE TRASH" i deleted the app and it's not reinstalled yet. although in all honesty, i hopped on after christmas via safari and scrolled, caught up on kulture, you know the important things.
but my break from instagram went deeper than just a break from other peoples highlight reels. because something embarrassing happened when we moved into this house and i have just realized it in the past month or so.
when we moved, i paid for our bedroom walls to be painted white, because everyone i follow on instagram had white walls and they are the BEST, right boo? the best, so clean and pristine.
guys - i hate my white walls. hate them. i can't rest, they feel sterile, like my eyes are constantly bouncing because it's so reflective. and because i have lofted ceilings, it's not really like a paint it yourself kind of deal. so here i am 31 years old and painting my house to be like someone else, to emulate someone else. and that's embarrassing, and messed up.
and i need a break, i need to know who i am, at my core. without the distraction of looking at everyone else's capsule wardrobe, toddler meals, wall colors (LOL), book list to read.
what does bria weigle barber want? because somewhere along the way in this journey, i started censoring myself again. i came out of my pain a little bit and honestly, just desperately wanted to return to normal. i wanted to be normal. i let what i think other people think about me LIMIT my own actions.
are you getting that? i let what i think other people think limit me. i spend more time thinking about what other people will think about what i post, like, follow, or write than i do actually posting, liking, following, or writing.
i didn't want to be the girl whose first husband passed away from suicide. i didn't want to be the girl whose ex-father in law writes her emails about how her children suffer under her care. i didn't want to live all these uncomfortable and painful truths that somehow i found myself living. i didn't want to be the prodigal girl that returned to the church. i didn't want to be the girl that still drinks to much even though she always regrets it. i didn't want to be the girl who hasn't seen half her family for most of her life, whose mom passed away, the girl who felt unlovable, who still feels that way, the girl who wished not to be here, the girl who sometimes feels like she can't move because of depression.
who i don't want to be can go on and on. but i have to own my truth. and for whatever reason (i like to think it's because God works through suffering and he is going to work through me) this is my story.
pain is still pain, and sometimes when it becomes manageable pain. when you aren't drowning in pain, it becomes easier to stifle, to ignore, to pretend. in the beginning, i had no choice but to be raw, to be vulnerable, to be real. and sometimes when you have been in really deep pain, going back into it seems scary, like there is anything else i would rather do than sit in my pain and be okay with it and then come tell you about sitting in it via blog and public platform where people can pick it apart and ask me questions about it.
and so this is my resolution. in 2019, i'm not going to be afraid of pain. i'm not going to limit myself by what i think others will think (that phrase gets me every time), i'm going to hit publish on my raw and on my real, and i am going to stay the fuck off instagram.
here's to 2019!
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