when 2016 hit me, i knew what was going to happen after that.  and it's interesting, as we enter 2019 to sit back and share this, what has made me the most vulnerable.

more vulnerable than losing my child and my husband was that in the aftermath, i felt it had been wasted.

after it all happened, i spent the next year making plans, plans about how it wasn't going to break me, plans on how to share my story, plans on breaking silence and stigma, building a successful career out of hardship, using my story to provide for my children, being an entrepreneur.

and then, on the very last day of 2016, 9 months since i lost my husband, i wrote in my journal that i wanted to find love in the next year. 

my steps since then have been so different than what i thought.  i suddenly found myself in a very serious relationship and 6 months after that, found out i was expecting.  Christian and i are about to celebrate our two year (dating anniversary) next month and in that year we have, moved in together, bought a house together, gone through pregnancy, had a baby, and gotten married. 

and through all of those amazing steps, i wondered why i'm not speaking, why i'm not writing my book, why is my story being wasted. 





since the new year started, i have had powerful lies revealed in my life.  lies that i believed the narrative of without questioning. 

that the pain was all a waste

that i am squandering my time

that i was meant to do something different


in all honesty, i was having a hard time being content in this season.  because as unexpected as those losses were, the follow up steps have been JUST AS UNEXPECTED.  and that is the crux of it all, that we as humans, can get knocked completely on our asses and still get up and feel that we can figure it out. 

but i cannot figure it out.  i cannot figure out why so many of my dreams have been put on hold.  and to be honest, i am done trying.  and so i sit, i sit in my season.  today i wrote these truths on the mirror

"God has equipped me"
"my children are my ministry"
"the power within me is greater than the forces outside of me"

I have been devouring Bible verses about self-talk, about fixing our thoughts, focusing on what is joyful and mindful.  I am striving to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.  I have written my reminders everywhere, reciting them as often as I can.  First thing in the morning, last thing at night.

I am done with the lies about myself and my story.  I am done with striving to make the pain have a purpose. 

Because that energy?  that energy could be put to my babies, to my partner, to myself.  To joy, to laughter, to contentment.  I am content in my season.