oh baby baby

it is Monday of baby week.  officially.  I held up his little going home outfit to Jim yesterday and said "there is going to be a PERSON in this by the end of this week."  a baby yes, to snuggle and feed and hold, but a person - to get to know, to help develop.  it is overwhelming in the very best sense.

my thoughts on a repeat scheduled C-section are conflicted, which is kind of ironic.  I chose a c-section the first time but since I went early, I never had time to be nervous or overthink my delivery choice.  My water broke at 12:45, my daughter came into the world at 3:25.  I have had a lot of anxiety over the surgery itself and the recovery.  I am very nervous, but I know that there is help around, I just need to be humble enough to ask for it if I need it.

So, just three full days remain between now and when I meet my baby.  I am trying my best to soak up every minute with Addie, who by the way, definitely knows something is up.  She has a baby boy that her great grandma sent her in preparation and she always says "baybay boy!" in this very Irish brogue way, it's hilarious.  She brings up the baby and says "yes" when we ask her if mommy is having a baby. 

I know people do this all the time but I am very very nervous to be away from her.  This will be the first night I have ever spent away and it kind of breaks my heart.  I told Jim last night that I wish she could be in the hospital with us from start to finish but of course, obviously she can't. 




 I have always loved fall and I absolutely am thrilled that both of my kids will have birthdays in the fall.  The changing leaves, pumpkins, apple cider, cooler temps and sweaters.  To me it is almost, if not more so, as magical as Christmas.  There are so many many good things to be thnkful for and look forward to, and while my anxiety is there, I don't want to lose sight of the good.  Of a healthy, stable pregnancy thus far - difficult though it has been, of celebrating two years with my daughter, and of course, bringing a new life into the world that will forever change and shape my family.  I am so very very blessed to carry this baby and I can't wait to meet him.

Happy Fall everyone.

Pregnancy Brain

For those out there that doubt if pregnancy brain is a real thing, I can attest to you it is.  

Yesterday I got this pumpkin syrup from Amazon and I was so excited to try it out this morning with my coffee to celebrate today being the first day of fall.  Only when I brewed my coffee this morning.... it was in a word, horrendous.  I can't even describe the taste to you.  I remembered reading reviews saying, "oh this is bitter, it doesn't even taste like pumpkin pie" etc. etc.  So, being the clever girl I am - I thought to myself "oh Bria, you put too much in" even though I had followed the directions exactly, I figured I had just put too much in for my taste.  So I remade my pumpkin spice latte with significantly less syrup and it was still really bad.

I immediately started planning my return to amazon and was so disappointed that I ended up not liking it.

Until my loving husband shouted from the other room "did you put something in this coffee?! It's horrendous, I can't even drink it"


That's when it clicked... in my nesting mode, I had descaled our Keurig brewer yesterday... which uses white vinegar... except I forgot to do the rinse cycle.  So I essentially brewed our coffee with white vinegar. dis-gusting.

Let me tell you folks, that taste stays with you for a while.  I was eventually able to get it "rinsed" but still, my first beverage of fall, was quite ruined.

About thirty seconds after the coffee debacle, I was making Jim lunch and found the peanut butter in the fridge... Let's all say a prayer this baby comes soon or else I might have to look into adult day care.

As for other news... someone decided to grow up recently.  Be still my heart.  

How did we get halfway through September?

You guys.  Can I just take a moment and say that Adelynn is so good.  Like just such a good kid.  It is easy to get caught up in the hard things of toddlerhood, but overall she is so well behaved.  She rarely misbehaves in public, usually stays close to me when we are out, will sit (somewhat) patiently through my doctor's appointments with me, goes to sleep so well, is so gentle with our small dogs.  I could go on and on but it just makes my heart swell.  Sometimes I don't realize how good she is until I see other people's kids out in action (ya know i'm right!) and you see this wild hooligan running fifty thousand feet in front of their parents screaming like a banshee and just think "holy shit."



That being said.  Not much to report over here.  Tomorrow is my last day being pre-term and so in my head I am basically to term.  While an exciting feat, I have never made it this far before in pregnancy- so I am also like "WTF this gets super uncomfortable at the end ya'll."  I am in that bittersweet place of trying to soak up our last moments as a family of three and also am just super super excited to see that sweet, tiny face for the first time. 

With temps dropping into the 30's overnight here (!!!) it is starting to definitely feel officially like fall.  I, however, am refusing to believe fall is here until he arrives.  I feel like his birth is going to officially kick off the season for me (is that silly?).  Until then I am holding tightly to my summer dreams, even if I am doing it wrapped in a blanket.

Also, I am curious, all you mama's out there with older siblings, how did you do the introduction?  Addy is still young, at almost two.  I know her primary concern will be for me and checking on me.  I mean, this girl has burst into tears at Doctor's appointments over worry for me.  So here is our plan on how we are handling it.  She will be with family while I deliver.  When she comes to the hospital for the first time, I am going to send her baby brother to the nursery so that when she sees me it will be just her and I for a while.  She can "check" on me and we can spend some one on one time together.  Then I'll have the baby brought in so she can meet him with me and we can all spend some time together.  I am then going to send brother back to the nursery so it's not like he gets to stay with me when she has to leave.  I think that will be the best option for our family and for her at tis time.  I know there are a million ways to do it but with her being so young, I think this will lead to the best possible processing of the information. 

I am getting so so excited, and so so ready.  I cannot wait to meet him.  Until then, I am going to soak up these last moments with him kicking away.

a letter to addy.

this is it baby.  we are down to our last couple weeks just you and me.  I looked at your daddy today and I asked him if he thought you were ready.  he very seriously considered the question (as he does all my questions) and said yes, he thought you were.  although, I tend to be a worrier by nature, when I searched my heart, I knew I felt the same way.  I think you are ready.  in fact, in a lot of ways, you seem just as excited as I am to meet your baby brother.

when I washed and folded his clothes, I brought up the laundry basket from downstairs.  I asked you if you knew who the clothes were for and told you they were for your baby brother.  You did your new excited face that you are doing where your mouth opens real wide and you get all pumped about life.  you then went through all the clothes with me and exclaimed "cute cute!" over all your favorites. 

I know it's not going to be all sunshine and roses.  life never is, unfortunately.  but we only know sweet by knowing bitter.  adding a member of a family is a time of transition, for everyone, but I know you will shine.  I hope you know above all, that even when I fail, even when it seems like I am impatient, or you are just getting in the way, my love for you is not wavering.  Even when it seems like all I do is care for him instead of play with you, my love for you is not wavering.  I hope you never ever ever doubt my love. 

Receiving you made me a mom, and I can never ever repay you for that gift.  You have given me my greatest treasure and my most full joy.  I hope that this will be my gift back to you.  A sibling, a (hopefully) big family to give you anchors.  I grew up so lonely as an only child, I desperately wanted a sibling.  My greatest hope is that this will bring you the ultimate in family bonding, someone to go through the tough times with, someone to lean on when your dad and I are old, someone to cling to when things go awry, someone to protect you through life's storms, especially when you feel like you can't talk to you parents. 

I love you.  I know you are ready, I hope I am too.  Please be patient with me as we go through this together.  Know that I will always always be there for you. 

I love you.
mommy

alive? yep. still pregnant? yep.

i feel like the only acceptable reason for such a long pause in blogging is that my baby came early.  he hasn't.  I am still pregnant.  however, my hubby did have last week off work and then the holiday weekend as well so we have spent the last ten days soaking up some of our last moments as a family of 3.  last year on his vacation we traveled to NC for half of the time.  while we had great moments visiting, it was so nice this year to do a "staycation" there are so many daily things that he misses out on with A.  It was neat to drag him along to all of our normal outings (zoo, library, ice cream, etc) and not miss naps, not deal with bedtime drama being out of the house, etc. etc.  Addy is a great traveler, but not a good sleeper on trips, so things can become real stressful, real fast.

anyways.  the past 10 days were great.  I have some pictures to share with you.  but alas, not on this post.  just picture lots of my little one smiling, me smiling because I had awesome help, was napping all the time, etc.

Recently I discovered this blog.  Have you all been there?  I love it.  Yesterday her book was an amazon daily deal for $1.99.  While I would still like to get a hard copy for the pictures, I did scoop it up and have already devoured a quarter of it.  She speaks a lot to not being perfect and letting our houses reflect that life is imperfect.  It's really resonating with me at this time since perfectionism is still something I struggle with.  It's hard for me to not wish I was perfect.  It's hard for me to admit faults and say, that's ok.

I can be a very candid person and I have no trouble admitting certain things.  Which is why, for a lot of my life people have thought they knew me really well when they didn't really know me at all.  I've struggled with an eating disorder, I've had debt, I was drinking way too much before I met my husband... knowing these facts can make it easy for someone to think they know me.  The complicated stuff goes way beyond those facts though. 

A lot of my "true" issues, I have touched on through this very blog.  Being too scared to try, being afraid of failure, wanting to be perfect.  These are the issues that day to day, I am trying my best to process and work through.  There is such a learning curve to this life, isn't there?  I guess what I am trying to say is, it's okay.

It's okay for me and it's okay for you.  It's okay to say we don't have it figured out, that we aren't the best parents some days, that we have debt, that we are still renting, that we have lost jobs or walked away from jobs that should have been taken.

It's okay to admit our faults. 

I wasn't meaning to get so heavy with this.  Blame it on the pregnancy hormones I guess, I promise to be back with lighter stuff this week.

ain't over till it's over baby.

I have seen a lot of "summer is ending!" "fall is here" posts.  While I am normally one of the first to jump on the fall bandwagon... this year I am sitting it out.  I am still in tank tops, soaking up the sun, still half-assing it with meals because "who wants to eat when it's 90 degrees out? let's have cereal." and still fully in the summer mind. 

For those with older kids, I know some schools started this week and are definitely starting by next week.  For my husband and I though, he took his vacation late (it will start this Friday after work!) and this is my last week nannying.  In that spirit, I am fully soaking up these last few weeks of our summer, an in between season if you will. 

Staying present in the moments that will wind up being our last as a family of three, paying attention to the new things my daughter is doing/saying every day, soaking up the last of the warm warm days before the cool air sets in (although, at least in Ohio, it's been a cool summer and we have already had some very fallish days), enjoying the parks, zoo, and ice cream places now that they aren't as crowded.  And of course nesting, I am in full blown nesting craziness over here.  Shampooing carpets, cleaning the basements out, wanting to bake bake bake.  In truth though, I don't know when he will arrive.  In my mind, we are in fair game territory.  So really these last few moments before I meet him read like the end of a very, very good book.  They might make you a little mournful, but you are better having read it. 

The next couple months hold exciting things and while I will embrace fall when it arrives... sweet summer, stay a little longer.

what being a mom has taught me about perfectionism

I am (was?) a bit of a perfectionist.  I think this title can mean a lot of different things to different people.  While I definitely wasn't the straight A's in school, leader of the cheer squad kind of perfect, I struggled with it in a different way. 

I never ever allowed myself to fail.

Can you see where this is going?  If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out.  I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track.  While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track.  I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends.  (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).

The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning.  There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you."  I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:

"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."

The other flip side to motherhood?  There is no quitting.  No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it.  So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself.  I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.

I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else.  The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments.  To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter. 

By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love.  In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved.  What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be.  Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.

It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most.  To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.

and just because....

 

 

she has my whole heart and in 22 months - has taught me more than I could have dreamed.  I hope you know how much I love you Adelynn.