"how will she open the presents we get her if she is in heaven?"
-when you encounter death at four





i sit here.  in sweats, hair pulled back, open bud light leftover from when jill visited me next to me.  memories have been coming more frequently.  today i had to take a break from work and pen a quick letter to jim because i missed him so much i couldn't concentrate.

life is so fluid, my life felt so concrete before.  i fought the most difficult battle of my life and the honest truth is, i'm still struggling in so many ways.  i don't know what i am doing, i know what i feel meant in my heart to do.  i don't have room to take much into account other than my immediate needs and the needs of my children.

i wish she had lived.  i wish i would have died instead.  i wish tough times guaranteed a smooth path. i wish i could hold her one more time.  i wish i would have gotten her that morning.  i wish her eyes could lock with mine again.  i wish she could open her presents and eat her cake.  i wish my wishes mattered.

in my weakest moments, i wish this story was someone else's to tell.

elly elly elly elly.

fool me once.

we all judge stereotypes
until we live them.

i am tired (you are too)
i used to have your best hours
now i have tired ones
your eyes are questioning

you scream most of the time
i am home
you ask for your babysitter
(don't you want me?)

am i still your mom?
do i still count if there is
always someone else feeding you
hugging you
kissing your wounds

now i seem to only cause them
i used to bandage
now i am worn to the bone
what is my role?
why does it feel like a
reunion when i finally get to see you

my heart is torn.
my dears (know that i tried)
know i did what was necessary
my dears, my dears
(i wish i was kissing your wounds)
my dears, my dears

i trust that the stars hold the secret
to our union, to our ever lasting union
and i know (because of elly of course)
i know that we are not limited by physical
space and time

your mom is always with you
when we sit on the couch in the morning
i focus on melding our energies together
(as much as possible)
i mentally focus on the atoms swirling
strengthening the bond

so that when we are apart
the strength is there
my stardust is there
keeping (always keeping)
you know that (wedding/funeral)
youarethewonder
keepingmystars
A P A R T

to elly

the ocean still kisses the shore no matter how many times it is pushed away
(paraphrased from sarah kay, no matter the wreckage)


personally i've never understood those people that say they aren't "beach people."  i get it, i get that sand sticks to you and the wind gets in your hair and lifts it up and puts tangles in it, i get that there is a quiet discomfort in being surrounded on all sides with a force that is much greater than you.  i think that's why i'm so attracted to it.

the waves are unrelenting.  never ceasing, they sometimes seem to reach their goal, enveloping the sand.  at other times, they seem so far away, leaving yards and yards of beaches for creature use.  the waves endure storms and at other times are as smooth as glass.

sometimes, i'll be sitting and a wave comes.  it will be innocent enough, out with friends, waiting for a counseling appt.  and the wave comes and i'm lost, lost in my thoughts, lost in my grief, lost in the ocean.

the pain will never truly heal, not in full.  we are damaged, incomplete people, unable to fully heal.  lately i've been thinking about my capacity of love.  since i was fourteen, i've had a very firm "f you" clause basically.  when you experience great loss in your neurological development years, it is impossible to not incorporate that into your development.

i was discussing this idea with my counselor the other day.  the fact that many tend to view my as more fragile after all of these trials.  i, at times, encounter a sense of "don't break her."  when i hear that, i just take a step back and think "what makes you think you can?"  if i haven't been broken yet, i can guarantee you, nothing except the remote possibility of something happening to lane and addy will.

sometimes when i am out with addy and lane, i let myself imagine what it would be like if elly was here.  what she'd be doing, what she'd look like.  she'd be pulling herself up, getting close to walking, her chunky thighs rubbing together, wild brown hair in a constant state of untidiness.  sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is comforting.

elly,

today it hurts.  today i miss you and kissing your cheeks and your thighs and your belly.  today i miss your babbles that would surely be pouring out of your mouth by now.  today i think about what it would be like if lane had his "baby" and addy had her sister.  we would probably be getting you ready to share a room.  i was so excited for my girls to share a room.

somehow i have to fight for acceptance that this life was not to be.  you know the idea of alternate universes where for every decision you make it spirals an alternate universe where that decision plays out.  sometimes i hope that's true.  that somewhere there is a universe where i get to hold you and kiss  you and see you grow up.  a universe where the five of us are together.  a universe that lets me get what i thought i was going to have.

but i am your mom baby, i am your mom and i will make you proud.  i won't let you or your siblings down.  i'm scared baby, i'm scared of your birthday.  i don't know what to do.  the day seems empty and hollow without you here.  from february  13 to april 28, i have a barrage of days.  five dates, five dates full of pain.  and i don't want to board that train.  the train of reliving the horror, i don't think i'd be paying honor to anyone by doing that.

i don't know if i'm strong enough for your birthday baby.  i miss you so much, i wish you were here to celebrate with me.  i wish i was making you cupcakes.  i wish i was doing your mermaid party.

i wish i wish i wish... i hope in the alternate universe you get all those things.  i hope that mom doesn't lose her patience much.  i hope you know how much i fucking love you and how that love lives eternally.  i hope you know that i consider it an honor to be your mom and that even though i don't mention you to everyone it is out of respect of a sacredness to our bond and the pain i endure for you.  i hope you know i never regret having met you and that i consider it an honor to carry the weight of you birth, life and death.  i will carry it well elly, because you and your life deserve that.

i love you.  i love you with the pain and the joy. i love you with the ache and the healing.  i love you with all that i have and all that i am forever and ever and ever.  you never truly belonged to me but we are tied together forever, my daughter.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

foreverandeverandeverandeverandever.
no matter how many times i'm pushed away, i'll never stop kissing that shore baby girl.
love always,
your mom.

there is this defining moment that is found in deep struggle.  i think there is a reason that so many successful people have had difficult backgrounds.  when you encounter great pain there is this mental decision that is made and one either succeeds farther than they ever imagined or one fails, and either direction one goes, it's usually in a big way.

when everything first happened, i remember feeling mad that i still had two kids to take care of.  like my life would have been easier if i didn't have any members of my family around and i could have just sold everything and become a hermit in the mountains for a while or something.

(also a disclaimer on feelings.  can we as a society, please stop being afraid of how we feel and acknowledge that they are not logical or good or bad, they are just there.  i have had very very dark feelings in this at times, but when i allow myself to feel them fully without judgment, they are more easily dissipated and seen for what feelings are, a temporary state of being.  i see it with addy all the time though, she'll say she's sad and the immediate response is "don't be sad" completing invalidating the way she feels and the fact that she is entitled to them.  second disclaimer, feelings can be powerful so if you are struggling in any way, please speak to someone and i feel it's important to note i see both a psychiatrist and a therapist throughout this)



annnnnnnyways.  i have had half of my immediate family members die before i turned 29.  i don't have my mom, i don't have my daughter, i don't have my spouse.  but you know what, i have addy and lane still with me.  i have these beautiful, pure beings in my life that i am enabling to enjoy their life, and that is meaningful.  it brings me so much happiness when i have them laughing and goofing off, because i know how hard we have to fight for those laughs.  i choose to still make memories with us three, i choose to still give them a childhood, i choose to still dig deep.  we could stop, right?  we could give up and roll over and say "it's too hard, we've lost too much, we aren't a family anymore" but we are, we are still a family.  it looks different than most, i have a daughter that's known to bust out twerking moves at any moment and we are usually playing beyonce a little too loudly, i might roll my eyes when lane starts crying because he wants to ride the train for the millionth time instead of validating his frustration, but we are doing it.  and it gets easier.

and those moments, those seemingly small moments of laughter and fun and love that most people don't pick up on.  those are worth gold to me, because i know, i know how easily it can slip away.  it is through the pain that i have discovered life's worth.  i count myself blessed, not because i lost, but because i have learned.  i have learned what matters, i have a lifetime of experience in less than thirty years.  and because of that, my children are equipped with a knowledge of what truly matters in life.

and so from another female boss, i am going to leave you with M.I.A. whose album, AIM, i cannot stop listening to.

Trying not to remember
My time in the fire
Cause ain't gonna tell ya
This war is never over
I ride through the sea like a pirate
Just to float in the water
Can't carry feelings
Like basket can't carry water
Ain't gonna tell ya
That I live strictly for the paper
Men are good, men are bad
And the war is never over

Survivor, survivor
Who said it was easy?
Survivor, survivor
They can never stop we

G.O.D
Gold and oil and dollars
Stars come and go
Just like every empire
I stay fly focus
I'm staying higher
Now power up your lighter
For you know you are a survivor

to lane,

hey bubba.  i don't know if you know how much i love you, it's a crazy lot.  we are funny- you and i, you have these moments of absolute independence and not giving a shit whether i'm around and then these moments where it's just obsession.  most of the time, it's just chill between us.  but when you go- boy, you give me hell.  today you were screaming because i couldn't figure out that you wanted to eat COLD BUTTERNUT SQUASH for breakfast.  seriously who does that, i don't even do that.  i warmed it up and you threw the bowl and said "NO! NO!" all the while screaming.

with you my fears are different, i don't worry about you so much.  you seem natural at life, in a way that most people in their forties still aren't.  when you were born it was as if you looked around and said "oh this again?"  you take everything in stride, thumb in your mouth, eyes open.  i remember when you were born, your little half whine - you didn't really even cry, you were just grumpy as shit, the corners of your mouth turned down.  up until the last second i kept telling jim, "what if they got it wrong, what if its actually a girl?!" sorry buddy.

i hope your joie de vivre takes you far in life.  i hope you know when it counts to stand up for yourself.  i hope you know that your smile will get you far, but your ingenuity and determination to make things work will get your farther.  i hope the estrogen doesn't overrun you in this house, i apologize in advance for when your sister is a teenager.  i hope you take it easy on me somewhat in your teenage years, try to reign it in more than your dad did please.  i hope you understand the significance of being a man raised by a woman.  i hope you know the fear i conquer in being your mom, in taking my stance on raising a boy.  i hope you know that if i seem absentminded, it's just because i have so much confidence in you.

i know what you will know.  you'll know that no means no, that a lack of response doesn't mean yes.  you'll know how to protect your sister.  you'll know that life doesn't come with a warranty and you will value it in every form, including and especially those weaker than you.  you'll know how to take care of yourself.  you'll know that i love you no matter what you do, who you love, or where you go.  you'll know that i'll always have your back, even when you're taller than me, which at this rate, is probably going to be third grade.  you will know your limits, and they will be firm.  you'll know how to show love.

bubba, you are a joy.  and your flirting game is already really strong buddy, lay low on it for a while- i don't want to be a grandma for a long time.

i love you forever to the moon,
momma

it still comes.

you know how when you get a really deep wound, they tell you to apply pressure so you don't bleed out.

sometimes that's how this feels.  like i've just stopped the pain but it's there, under my fingertips, pulsing, waiting for my grip to slip.  it's nights like these, where i've read my poetry and sipped my tea, where addy's breaths are beside me, where i've taken my xanax and one two three... still.awake.

i think about him, sometimes i think i hear my children crying.  i almost always think that if i stay awake.  my worst fears, confirmed, another child slipped through my fingers.  when elly died people told me "this is the worst you'll ever live through" and i felt this sense of foreboding when it was said.  everything in me wanted to knock on wood and throw my hands up like "i'm not the one testing fate over here!" and that's the reality isn't it? there is no threshold to suffering.  there is no quota to be filled, some of us simply suffer more than others.

i would like to know that my days of intense, soul ripping loss are behind me, but they could very well not be.  sometimes that fear plays into my mind and i panic and worry and fret.  i'm not always strong.

i've worked so hard on my house here.  it was important to me, the first time i lived alone.  it was very defining, the decision making process, what i left, what i took.  there was no mediation, there was no deciding between the parties.  and then i arrived, tabula rasa, and it was crucial for me to breathe myself into my house.  for every nook and cranny to quietly say "this is bria"

but sometimes, sometimes it still feels lonely.  sometimes i miss my house saying "bria and jim."
sometimes i think about his touch and his smile and his laugh and his teasing and his friendship and i cry because i know, i know the loss.  i know the ache of carrying a past into the future.  i know what it's like to be burned.  i know what it feels like when forever ends when you are 28 years old and you watch your baby and husband die in a matter of days.

i have been sutured, but the scarring has not occurred.  healing has begun but it will never finish.  i have a necklace that i wear, a memorial of elly and jim, sometimes i have to take it off because the physical weight of carrying them around with me becomes too heavy to bear.  i haven't had it on in a couple of days.



jim.
i wish you would have stayed.
love,
bria

you don't have power and i don't care about being private

they want us to change
they say look at this, look at that
fix it, fix yourself, fix you
youuu are (WRONG)

lift, tuck, primp, pout
you are a girl
(don't you get it?)
you can't play with us

the weaker sex
weak?
the weakness is letting them in your mind
the weakness if found in letting their opinions define you

it is your flaws that make you beautiful
beauty is not found in perfection
beauty is not a straight edge grid
laid out, end to end (NO END in sight)

you fight, but you don't fight them
you fight yourself?
"self, you don't do this correctly""self, stop doing that"
remember (remember)

no one can love you AS MUCH as
YOU have the potential to love yourself
to love you must know, to know you must accept
there is knowledge to be found (within yourself)

your words? they do not define me
the truth is found in my soul
your stares? they do not affect me
i walk by unperturbed

you, they, them
do not define me.
my worth is found within myself (in my light)
i will share with you.

i am brave and i am not good or bad.
i am just authentic.
and i will share,
i will share this light

my privacy does not matter
i do not seek the power that it provides
it is the connection with you that i crave
it is knowing that strength and beauty

have been recognized in me
but even if (even if)
you refuse to recognize
i know the truth. and i stand firm.