loving a widow

i remember swiping on bumble and one guy's profile said "please be over your ex" i kind of chuckled to myself and swiped left because Lord knows, i was never going to be over Jim.

dating as a widow is tricky, adding in kids is trickier.  there is no easy way to love a widow, to be with a widow, to play a role in her life.  it takes a really special person to say, "i acknowledge that hole in your heart and i know my puzzle piece will never fit the same, but i still want to be included" it takes a really special person to say, "i know you are hurting, i know you miss him, i want to hold you"

there are so many things that if you were to ask me i would confidently reply that i knew it all.  when i was married to jim, i emphatically told alayne she was dating wrong because she kept dating guys her own age or a little younger.

"young guys are players, i would never date a younger guy"

fast forward a couple years and i have suddenly found myself with a guy quite a bit younger than me.

before we started dating, i told christian, "listen, my life is set.  i've got my kids and i've got my life and there will be sacrifices made in a relationship, but most of them won't come from me.  you have to decide if that's what you want and if that's something you are ready for."

after spending so many years in my early twenties and teenage years doing my best to conform to the guy's or society's standards of what was deemed lovable, it was quite a turn to stand there and say "this is my life, get on board or get out"

i think a lot of single mom's can probably identify with that.  the changes that having children brings to your relationship dynamic, but none more keenly know this than a widow.  there is no every other weekend, no split custody or night's at dads, it is me, on all the time.

it is hard to describe to outsiders what a relationship looks like post-marriage.  hard to show what Christian means to our family, impossible to explain how we can be so close-knit or so sure in such a small amount of time.

all i can tell you is, those people out there, who love widows and kids who have lost a parent.  the men and women who are every day putting in work for a family that looks different and acts different than most, the men and women who say, i know you saw forever looking differently than what we have now, and i'm okay with that.  those people need to be acknowledged, to be celebrated, and to be thanked, because they are truly gifts from God.

and if you are widow, and you wonder how to accept love, be open to it, it's worth it.  i know forever didn't go as you planned, i know life dealt you a shitty hand, but let those eyes you have now be forever changed to focus on what is important, on what is to be gained and on what matters.  grief changes you forever, but it doesn't ruin you.