to the dreamers

now, now comes the difficult part, being prepared for new dreams, dreams that i haven't thought of, dreams that will catch me by surprise, dreams that were not and are not part of my plan.  but even in living out new dreams, i will always have the gift of those five weeks.  the five weeks where i lived my heaven. 



that was written going on just a year ago.  it is weird and oddly comforting to have this journey documented somewhat.  especially as i find myself living those new dreams.  we are so limited with our comparisons, our striving to make life so black and white.  my thoughts, limited, "is my life better?" 

we always want to be achieving, making sure we are hitting that goal mark.  i am not set adrift as i once was.  actually last night i looked around a table of my friends and realized, how happy i was.  how happy these people made me, what beautiful and wonderful things we had coming our way.  

what do my goals look like? 
what do i want? 
what is it that sparks my soul?

also this is a total side note, but did you know that it can be august 3, and you still may not have heard from grad school.  wtf state.  i am assuming, probably correctly, that i did not get in for this year.  i also take that information with the knowledge that it could mean next year i'll be in a different space, a different school, and i'll think to myself "thank god i didn't get in last year"

that happens too often right.  i have all of these ideas and i don't know, not many are coming to fruition, i feel daunted by the next step.  scared to spend money for education, unsure of where money is coming from.  

i started looking at houses recently and it honestly sent me into a complete tailspin.  i feel immobilized, striving to find the BEST solution, the best option, so i run around frenzied and end up  not being able to make a decision at all.  we can so easily get caught into the next thing that i find myself forgetting that i actually quite like where i live and the convenience and my kids school.  

i'm trying so hard to find the right thing maybe i'm missing that for now i am in the right thing.

(deep breath) in and out.  in and out.
reminder, bria, the world existed for years and years without the chaos of your mind adding its chatter to it
reminder, the world will continue to exist for years and years when your mind ceases to contribute

deep breath (in and out)
in and out
it's the beginning of the end
the end of the beginning
the prime of their life

we quantify and qualify
we measure and judge
as if 
as if we are the gods
looking down
preparing the peoples for their lives
how long did they live? 
too short, taken too soon

who are we to judge?
what is soon, what is long?
what comes next?
none know except those who have been

at times i long to join them
at times i grow so heavy
(DEEP BREATH)
in and out, in and out
1.2.3
what do you have?
look at it in the eyes
feel the arms around you

what is here now?
is it good?
is it worthy?
does it have value?
in and out.
stay.
stay present my dear.