and life goes on

i have been so just discombobulated recently.  more than once, christian has come home to find me wasting away on the couch crying about not having a purpose while the house remains wrecked and there are literally a zillion things that could garner my attention.

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i have such a clear idea of what i want to do, of what i feel i am meant to do.  but i am so unsure of how to get there.  i have literally no trust in moving forward regarding it.  i also have a really hard time thinking i should get paid for it, that i'm valuable enough to be paid for it.  basically i want to be a life coach, someone who can look at the pieces of your life, where you are going wrong or stalling or not letting light in and say, "what can we do to get this under control?  what can we do to move forward?"  so many of us are just waiting for life to hand us what we think we deserve.  (did i just write that on my last post, i might've lol).

i've been over here trying to get pretty menial job after menial job.  and it's not that they aren't important or helpful or even necessary, i'm just not sure that's what i am supposed to be doing.  it is so hard for me to invest in myself.

Duke has a great and quick certification program.  it takes about two months to complete, you have to have a bachelors for it and it certifies you as a "Integrated Health Coach" basically I would be able to help people with areas that are blocking their life whether it be nutritionally or emotionally and help them achieve a better and more quality life.

but it's Duke and so it costs some money, like several thousand.  and it's not that i can't do or wouldn't be able to.  it's just hard to look at myself and say "brianna, you have the same resources and intelligence as a lot of other people and you have the resiliency of about 100 of them combined, you can do this"

i've always been a quitter.  and my life as a stay at home mom enabled that quite a bit.  if i didn't want to do something or it was hard or difficult, i just didn't.  i think that's why i have such a complicated relationship with how i feel about staying at home.  do i think it's valuable, especially in the first couple years of life for the child?  yes absolutely.  do i think it allows a woman to wither, especially if she is inclined that way anyway, yes absolutely.  (PSA PSA this is not all stay at home moms just me personally)

that's super hard to admit, so so so hard.  and i've been working on my website and applying to this program to Duke and i feel paralyzed, frozen.  what if people don't want to talk to me, what if they don't think i'm worthwhile?  what if i screw up my taxes?

and it's just all these logistical options.  you don't realize how easy it is to allow someone else to define you until you try to define yourself.


these are just all my deepest fears put out there.
and this is just me rambling, a lot of you read this but almost no one ever comments.  why would i think people would value my advice?
deep deep deep fears.