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the truth.

"you can't handle the truth"

confession, i have never seen a few good men.  i am planning on watching this along with other movies i deem "must see" that were either just before my time or i never got around to watching (ie. the godfather among others) soon.

ahh the truth, the truth is my baby is in full blown sleep regression and i am now getting up 5+ times a night leading to very tearful mornings (me not her)

the truth is i no longer believe in any sleep training miracles and am not letting her "cry it out" much to the chagrin of some of the moms i know...

the truth is that sometimes, i just don't feel like writing.  not getting sleep and trying to train for my half is leaving me ex-hausted.  at seven pm when i normally go for my run, my sneakers feel like they have lead in them.  my eyelids are already heavy and what i really want to do is curl up on the couch with chips and cookies and watch seinfeld till i go upstairs.  the truth is, is that even without a outside of the home job, i still have weeks where i'm not pulled together, where parenting makes me feel at a loss, where we have more meals out of our microwave than i am proud of. 

but other than tears and unhealthy meals.  i have had bright spots.  i need to get better about including more pictures of the happenings around here, which means i need to get better at taking them.... but here we go


eating: grilled food and lots of it on the weekends, burgers, brats, grilled veggies, steak, it's all coming my way and we don't have to turn on the oven AND my husband does the majority of the cooking, win win win!

planning: for my bestie to get in her 15 hours!!! OHEMGEE.  since she went southern over two years ago, our get togethers are few and far in between.  but (hopefully that will be changing) always always appreciated.  she hasn't seen baby since december so the changes will be remarkable and of course i am looking forward to her company

also i am planning for fathers day!!!!!!!!!!!  as you all remember, i love birthdays and any surprise days!  i am working out a full blown menu for fathers day and am using this to jump start my meal planning next week (holla i am pulling it together!) so far i am waiting on the husband to decide what he wants for dessert but i will be sure to take pictures (check!) and share what we have planned.  i will also share the video i made for him.

loving: my new tattoo!  i went on monday and finally got my inner arm tattoo done.  i love having a reminder of my mom so close to my heart

feeling: like a bad ass because my favorite tattoo artist remembered me and i haven't had her do a tattoo in 2+ years.  again, as someone who moonlights in pink cardigans by day, having a tattoo artist think i am legit is an honor i do not take lightly. also i feel way more bad ass that with my 10 tattoo i am finally confident enough to start having my ink show.

reading: i have been a book whore recently.  i raced through love the one you're with and heart of the matter by emily giffin and am now reading delirium by lauren oliver.  i like(d) all three but preferred love the one you're with over heart of the matter.

and just because i can't help it.

give me that banana mom.


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that person is selfish
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there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.