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Hello! Hello!

Let's just jump into things shall we?
Little Elly bean was added to the mix.  I think the weirdest thing about having a baby is that once they are here it feels like they were always here.  You can have all this anxiety and apprehension but all of the sudden they are here and it's perfect and you love them so so much.  Little miss was a surprise for us (big surprise!) but she was just meant to be.  Currently she is sprawled across my stomach and I can feel her little warm body on mine, her sniffles and little whimpering and snoring the only noise besides the fan going upstairs as white noise for the older ones.

I wasn't sure I would continue writing, but the. I was reading some of my old posts with Adelynn and it brought me so much comfort to read about it, I just couldn't give up completely.  This time thing is a fickle beast eh?  We have brought home our last baby and every day, every minute that ticks by separates us more and more from that moment of meeting our last child.  Creating and meeting these beings is such a crazy thing.  There is nothing else in the world that touches it.  It's such a distinct time of life right now, car seat carriers and nap schedules, time outs, tantrums....  I know though that we will always be trading hard things for different hard things.  There is no perfect season of life, everything bears a burden.  So that is what makes it so crucial to just enjoy it.  My grandma recently passed away at 94 years old.  She was this matriarch of our family and it kind of felt like she would never die.  But everyone does and it's so weird to look at my life and know that I am going to blink and it's going to be me old and grey.  So much of me still expects to see a gangly 16 year old or an unsure of herself 20 year old when I look in the mirror and then I get surprised when I look and see this woman....

Age is so fleeting.  My addy, my little baby will turn four this year, nugget is getting bigger by the day and soon even Elly won't be a newborn.  Sometimes time feels like this crushing weight that I can't get out from under on, it honestly takes my breathe away sometimes.


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"

granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.