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Hello! Hello!

Let's just jump into things shall we?
Little Elly bean was added to the mix.  I think the weirdest thing about having a baby is that once they are here it feels like they were always here.  You can have all this anxiety and apprehension but all of the sudden they are here and it's perfect and you love them so so much.  Little miss was a surprise for us (big surprise!) but she was just meant to be.  Currently she is sprawled across my stomach and I can feel her little warm body on mine, her sniffles and little whimpering and snoring the only noise besides the fan going upstairs as white noise for the older ones.

I wasn't sure I would continue writing, but the. I was reading some of my old posts with Adelynn and it brought me so much comfort to read about it, I just couldn't give up completely.  This time thing is a fickle beast eh?  We have brought home our last baby and every day, every minute that ticks by separates us more and more from that moment of meeting our last child.  Creating and meeting these beings is such a crazy thing.  There is nothing else in the world that touches it.  It's such a distinct time of life right now, car seat carriers and nap schedules, time outs, tantrums....  I know though that we will always be trading hard things for different hard things.  There is no perfect season of life, everything bears a burden.  So that is what makes it so crucial to just enjoy it.  My grandma recently passed away at 94 years old.  She was this matriarch of our family and it kind of felt like she would never die.  But everyone does and it's so weird to look at my life and know that I am going to blink and it's going to be me old and grey.  So much of me still expects to see a gangly 16 year old or an unsure of herself 20 year old when I look in the mirror and then I get surprised when I look and see this woman....

Age is so fleeting.  My addy, my little baby will turn four this year, nugget is getting bigger by the day and soon even Elly won't be a newborn.  Sometimes time feels like this crushing weight that I can't get out from under on, it honestly takes my breathe away sometimes.


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…


to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …