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(tired of tired)

who said this was easy again?
who promised you the world would fold itself in and you could tuck it into your palm?
who said you could harness the wind, the rains, the floods?
(WHOlied.toyou.)

living is not for the faint of heart.  life seems to be a never ending struggle of getting close to knocked out, only to pick yourself back up again.
life is admitting not everything is for you.
life is sometimes knowing when to bow out.
life is knowing you are meant for more but feeling stuck, feeling stagnant.

i've grown up always feeling different.  physically i was awkward, as a child and a teen, mostly limbs, skinny, curly blonde hair.  my friend from high school that i reconnected with said the thing he remembered most about me is that i would be hunched over physically and it reminded him of me being hunched in on myself emotionally as well.

there is a hilary duff movie called raise your voice (alayne you are getting a major shoutout right now) that alayne and i were obsessed with back in the day.  the main boy says to hilary duff "why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

and.... this is probably the most embarrassing thing i've ever written on here but i'm just gonna roll with it, now you all know i watched hilary duff in high school.

society tries so hard to make us fit.  to mold, to shape, to stamp us, one by one.  standardized sizes, standardized tests, standardized diets.  as if a clothing company can define us by a number written on a tag measuring a half an inch across.  as if a bubble filled in can adequately measure the wisdom hidden in a child's mind.  as if a doctor who never met me or seen my physical body can best tell me what to fuel it with.

my life has never fit the mold, and it doesn't seem like it's on any sort of track to start conforming now.  i may as well roll with it.  if you're going to be extra, you may as well be really extra.

the crazy thing is, my biggest source of doubt is myself, and i project it onto other people without ever actually getting their opinion.

so here, for everyone to know and see and witness and realize, here is what i want.  here is what i know i am created for and my purpose in life.

i want to share, i want to tell my story, i want to motivate, i want to connect with people, i want to share about what i believe because it's probably not typical, i want to provide an income for my family with my words and with sharing my heart because it is the most valuable strength i have, i want to finish my book, i want to go to grad school, i want to talk to people about nutrition and essential oils and meditation and the things that have helped me heal, i want to remind people that you are NOT your circumstances.

play to your strengths.

you have it rough?  good, it's a chance to mother fucking shine.  get it.

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dreams.

to my love,

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Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

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