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(tired of tired)

who said this was easy again?
who promised you the world would fold itself in and you could tuck it into your palm?
who said you could harness the wind, the rains, the floods?
(WHOlied.toyou.)

living is not for the faint of heart.  life seems to be a never ending struggle of getting close to knocked out, only to pick yourself back up again.
life is admitting not everything is for you.
life is sometimes knowing when to bow out.
life is knowing you are meant for more but feeling stuck, feeling stagnant.

i've grown up always feeling different.  physically i was awkward, as a child and a teen, mostly limbs, skinny, curly blonde hair.  my friend from high school that i reconnected with said the thing he remembered most about me is that i would be hunched over physically and it reminded him of me being hunched in on myself emotionally as well.

there is a hilary duff movie called raise your voice (alayne you are getting a major shoutout right now) that alayne and i were obsessed with back in the day.  the main boy says to hilary duff "why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

and.... this is probably the most embarrassing thing i've ever written on here but i'm just gonna roll with it, now you all know i watched hilary duff in high school.

society tries so hard to make us fit.  to mold, to shape, to stamp us, one by one.  standardized sizes, standardized tests, standardized diets.  as if a clothing company can define us by a number written on a tag measuring a half an inch across.  as if a bubble filled in can adequately measure the wisdom hidden in a child's mind.  as if a doctor who never met me or seen my physical body can best tell me what to fuel it with.

my life has never fit the mold, and it doesn't seem like it's on any sort of track to start conforming now.  i may as well roll with it.  if you're going to be extra, you may as well be really extra.

the crazy thing is, my biggest source of doubt is myself, and i project it onto other people without ever actually getting their opinion.

so here, for everyone to know and see and witness and realize, here is what i want.  here is what i know i am created for and my purpose in life.

i want to share, i want to tell my story, i want to motivate, i want to connect with people, i want to share about what i believe because it's probably not typical, i want to provide an income for my family with my words and with sharing my heart because it is the most valuable strength i have, i want to finish my book, i want to go to grad school, i want to talk to people about nutrition and essential oils and meditation and the things that have helped me heal, i want to remind people that you are NOT your circumstances.

play to your strengths.

you have it rough?  good, it's a chance to mother fucking shine.  get it.

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that person is selfish
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

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reflection.

i watched a video that my iPhone made, a video of 2016.  and it had just all of these beautiful and painful moments just wrapped into this four minute video.

the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

but i saw so much smiling in those videos.  so many sweet moments and so many memories that happened when i was in a fog that felt all encompassing.



this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
this year my daughter made beautiful friendships because people weren't afraid to reach …