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healing, comfort zone, and goooooo

my comfort zone was honed carefully.  as loud, brash, and outgoing as i can be, that is all my comfort zone.  i think it is easy to think of me as brave, or pushing the limits because so much of what i find comfortable is outside of so many people's comfort zones.

want me to public speak?  no problem
want me to share intimate public details of my life? yessir


but silly things, things you wouldn't think can incite moments of panic... those - those are my weak spots.

this morning i found myself in a kayak for the first time... ever.
as someone whose swimming skills consist mainly of dog paddling until a rescue boat comes, the idea of being MERE INCHES FROM THIS WATER was quite disconcerting.  i didn't always have this fear, but i definitely had it today.  it took about ten minutes of breathing and not focusing on the fact that i was comfortably resting in a boat suspended in MURKY UNRELENTING water.  never mind the fact that i definitely had a life jacket on.

one of my first dates with a guy we went to an ethiopian restaurant where i had to eat with my hands... outside of my comfort zone.  it's hard to actually eat and converse when you are wondering "do i look like a weirdo eating like this?"

loud, crowded places - especially with other people's children running around? not my comfort zone.



recently i started neurofeedback training, which if you are new to the concept, harvard and the mayo clinic have some awesome research in it.  i got my brain mapped and i can see this visual representation of my fight or flight.  i am still very much in recovery PHYSICALLY from the trauma that i experienced last year.  currently i am suffering from being hyper-emotional, rumination, visual processing, the list goes on and on.

and right, so often we associate depression with trauma and we think- okay if we aren't depressed, we must be ok.  because here's the thing, i'm not depressed.  i'm actually really happy and although i don't exactly love what went down, i have been provided for since and i choose to trust even when i don't see the whole picture.  but depression isn't always the most debilitating or severe of the symptoms we can experience with trauma.  (not that it isn't serious and/or should not be treated)

i have a hard time making decisions, i tend to jump into them and then wonder how i landed where i got or i want to defer to someone else to make them.  i have a hard time not being self-deprecating.  i can go from being really happy to being really stressed and it doesn't take much.  i am not very even keeled right now.

it's weird, mother's day weekend is the first weekend i have really clear memories of last year.  probably because it was my first major holiday and everything up to that point had been so surreal.  in  a way, it is almost harder than the anniversaries.  because to think back to "this time last year" is nothing but pain, nothing but suffering.

i remember distinctly, being with my friend stephanie on that saturday before, the sunday morning of.  i was a shell of a ghost.  a whisper of a vapor.

and i look now and sometimes it can be hard to not see how far i still have to go, to not be discouraged in how broken i remain, to not focus on my very real physical and mental struggles that i am still carrying day in and day out, to not focus on how quickly i am irritated with my kids, how i struggle with very real and necessary actions.

it's hard ya know?  it's still hard, the bruises are still there.  i don't think there is any easy way to experience and approach death.  but i'll tell ya what, when you've spent years buying into a certain way of belief and have that rug pulled out from under you, the landing is pretty cruel.

sometimes it's hard to remember that even halfway up the mountain still has a good view every once in a while.
sometimes it's hard to be thankful for how well i have been sustained
sometimes i just don't want to feel crippled
sometimes i just miss being strong, miss being together

this has taught me how to ask for and accept help.  how to be gracious to those willing to give and to also set firm boundaries.  this has taught me a lot.  lessons worth learning, but learned most brutally.


happy mother's day.

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