restoration. it is an interesting concept. i myself buy into too many marketing schemes, always keeping an eye out for the new.
one time addy points out a toy to me and i go, "but baby, you already had that toy, we didn't play with it and we gave it away"
she goes, "but this one is new"
and there is truth in that no? new clothes, new shoes, new skin creams. and there's not anything wrong with it. a fresh paint job on my nails and a new essential oil in my diffuser can go a long way in lifting my spirits.
but restoration... that is a trickier concept. it's why divorce is often easier than saving a marriage, why cutting people off is easier than navigating difficult relationships. and there is no one size fits all, no black and white.
sometimes we make cuts, sometimes we stay in it. i am working currently at rebuilding my family and what that looks like. at including all members - even ones we won't see on earth again. at making sure addy and lane always have ties to their dad that extend past me. losing a lover is so different than losing a parent or brother or child. lovers are defined in time periods. my college boyfriend, my first marriage. there is an impermanence to the permanent.
i remember being around 12 or 13 and asking my dad who he loved more, my mom or stepmom. the question in itself, took a lot of courage for me, half of me was scared of the answer. he just told me "it's different, i love them differently" this was way before i had ever had my heart broken or truly loved and i didn't understand. i know my kids will possibly struggle with that same question - who did i love more? why could i move on so quickly? do i still love daddy?
it's different.
and here i am smack dab in the middle of navigating different.
No comments