to my mom.

hi momma,

this morning when i woke up (too early as always) i just really really wished you were here holding me.  i wish i could hear your laugh and see your smile.  i wish i could see how we have the same mannerisms and hear how we have the same laugh.  i wish my memories of you weren't fought for through thick cobwebs.

mommy, sometimes i get so tired.  it's so hard doing this on my own.  sometimes i'm just tired of being tired.  every day is a fight, sometimes every minute is a fight, to not get overwhelmed, to keep going, to stay strong, to be brave.  sometimes i feel just as fragile as i did in the weeks after everything.

my faith gets so weak and it seems like it swings on a pendulum.  i wish we had assurance.  i wish i knew for sure.  i wish you could sit me down for a half hour and say "don't worry, it's all true and i have elly and i met jim and he makes me laugh."  i wish i didn't have to hear addy cry for her dad.

why do bad things happen? why is it grace through fire? why do tribulations procure endurance?  why why why?  do i sound like addy yet?

i want purpose.  i want to know we aren't abandoned.
please don't let me be abandoned.

i'm so tired of being left (alwaysleftneverleaving)

sometimes life feels like a sentence and not a blessing.


to my old love,

i knew you like the back of my hand.  i knew every path and every curve.  all the hangouts and all the special spots.  there was no where to go where i wouldn't have a memory, wouldn't have a trigger.  it wasn't you... (i promise)

in the aftermath, my love for you turned to suffocation.  E S C A P E.  and now my escape has turned to longing.  i miss you - my feet have turned restless, for there is always more.  (can i never be satiated)

it is the shallow plants that are easily pulled and i feel the tugs.  my roots are beginning and it hurts.  it hurts, my feet say "run" my heart says "i hurt" my mind says "escape"
who do i listen to?


i wish we could have stayed together forever.  will i always miss that part of you that's me?
will we ever get back together?


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