2 years

hi baby,

when I got home from dropping your siblings off at school today, I went through all the pictures I had of you.  From the video of your birth to the fire station, it took me about an hour.  There's no one I can look at and say, remember when she was born and we held her?  Remember what it was like to look at our daughter for the first time?  It feels empty still, not as bad as last year, but empty nonetheless. 

Last year I went and had my taxes done on your birthday, something I had been putting off, overwhelmed by, and to be honest, frightened of.  This year, my taxes are done already.  Who knows, maybe next year I'll do my taxes myself.  It has been this weird journey, trying to put myself back together, knowing how fragile I am.  Finding pieces of myself that I had forgotten about or didn't know where there.

I don't know if I am quite to celebration yet.  It is hard to remember the beautiful moments we had together without looking at the countdown clock in the background.  Five weeks is not enough time for moments to slip by or memories be forgotten and then recalled.  I remember every moment we had together in visceral detail.  Since then I have lived the 5 weeks, 20 times over, apart from you in every second.  Since then I have lived details and forgotten them, had beautiful, sweet moments with the kids that have already slipped from my memory because I have the privilege of "more." 

I don't try to live our moments together a lot, it hurts too badly, I slip too easily into only remembering that day.  Instead I do my best to stay firmly grounded in the present, but it doesn't mean you weren't important to me and it doesn't mean I don't love you.  I carry my love for you like the roots in the soil, there are so many beautiful things that remain unseen.  That is my love for you.  I carry my love for your like the currents deep in the ocean, like the clouds above our vision.  That is my love for you. 

And so today, Elly, I will make some small goals and accomplish them.  I will pick up fresh flowers and put some on my nightstand.  I will think of you more often than not and I will look forward to when I get to see you again.  Can you believe, we already have two years down?  I am counting down the days till I see you baby.  It is a long time, longer than most have to wait, but I am excited because I know it will happen.  I know you will give me a hug and say you were okay.  That you were safe while we were apart.  That you knew you had my love when I wasn't there to show it.  Ellery, I so badly wish I could celebrate with you today, I so badly wish we were together in person and not just in our hearts.  I wish my love for you was shown every day like it is for Addy and Lane. 

You are loved sweet girl.  Please give your dad and grandma and great grandma a hug and kiss from me and Addy and Lane.  We all miss you all so much.  I know you will have fun celebrating today. 

Till we are together again,
Love,
your mom