to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here holding auditions now that the lead actor has fallen out of play.  i am broken, a child being told she can't have her dessert and instead of sampling her dinner, i just stand there and scream "i want dessert, i want dessert!" my fists too tightly clenched to be open to anything.

you were my great love, my kismet, my constant.  i stand here now running around in what feels like a great circle, always ending up at the same place, why why why why why why why.  trapped in the bars of my own mind.  we started cognitive behavioral therapy in my counseling today.  i'm working for release from this prison, see.  i started with one phrase, the biggest one of course. :he should be here: i am to replace it with :i want him here, i am sad he is not: already today i had to tell myself that, what? a hundred times?  and of course this will eventually dwindle.  the grief, they tell me, is not forever- i wonder if our love will be?

is love truly eternal.  are we eternal?

i miss being in your arms so very much.  am i still yours? do we still belong to each other?  i was listening to drake on my run the other day (i know i know, can you believe i'm bringing drake up to you even after you're dead?  you would be appalled, i know this) and this line literally stopped me running,
you never see it coming, you just get to see it go
i miss you love, i'm so sorry you went.
always yours,


  1. If you tell a story about Jim the same way you write your feelings. Your children will hear and feel all the love from their daddy thru your voice and heart. You will keep his memory alive for them..and for you.

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  3. Such true and touching words. Expressions of love, pain and loss... I've been there, I've lost a husband and that felt NOT SO GOOD... I heard about you from your Uncle Lynn Battershell and Aunt Becky Battershell... You're in my thoughts and prayers.