Skip to main content

holy shit.

does this get easier?  it has to get easier eventually right?  i don't think i can do a lifetime of this.  i've been prepping my house for some work which means organizing/cleaning out some of jim's things.  my master bath had to be redone because you know real casual like in between two of my immediate family members dying i also had a huge plumbing leak.  i moved back into my bathroom today which meant sorting through all of his stuff.

he should be here, he should be here 

addy's dance recital was saturday.  she was as ever, adorable.  and she did great.  i am relieved to see dance over though.  i usually worked monday nights and jim would come and meet me at dance and then i'd leave - go to work and he would go home, finagle the kids and rock a bedtime.  it was never the easiest task and i was always so grateful to him.  if i didn't work, i'd pull into the garage and honk... he would run out to the car (already changed into his sweats) and greet addy and ask her how dance was.  my counselor told me it was probably so difficult because it was a scheduled connection.  other times, moments are just random happenings in my life with no real connection, but dance nights... dance nights i always saw jim.  he loved seeing addy after dance, in her leotard, hair in a pony, eating her sucker... always proud to see her dad.

one time during the year she didn't listen during her class and her teacher talked to me about it.  all i had to do when we got home was mention to jim "addy had a hard time listening in class today" and she broke down, so contrite with her dad.  he was her whole world.  it's hard to describe their relationship... when addy was born i was jealous of it.  i had never seen jim act anything even close to interested in another girl and then this little pink thing took up his entire life it seemed.  it took us close to nine months to get to a place of understanding the dynamic of the three of us.  and then we had it.  this beautiful mesh of family and love.  she was the light of his life and i was the ignition of it.

going through this stuff is weird.  it's not like a huge emotional thing where i am crying over toothbrushes or his floss.  it's just, i'm low on patience- especially with my kids.  my one friend said that made a lot of sense because all of my patience is probably directed at myself and allowing myself that grace- i just don't have any left to give.  then after i am done sorting through whatever it is, i usually have a huge breakdown.

right now i am over a month into this and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  actually i would say harder because i just keep thinking "shouldn't i be feeling better by now? everyone else is"  it's like i am over here still spinning in place and everyone else is running down to the finish line.  i don't think i'll ever get there.  the tears don't stop, the heartache doesn't stop, it just runs me down.  every day.  for all of our free will, we actually have very little control.  i can't control how i feel, only my reactions, i can't control what happens to me, only my reactions.

at a certain point i mean truly, it's fuck the reactions right?  i want control.  i want to go back in time, this is not the life i wanted to live.  sometimes i get a glimpse of peace. but it's not here right now.  right now is sorrow, right now is pain, right now is awful.

jim jim jim. i miss you love.   each second of each moments seems too long to bear without you.
you don't get to see it coming, you just get to see it go 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"



granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.