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holy shit.

does this get easier?  it has to get easier eventually right?  i don't think i can do a lifetime of this.  i've been prepping my house for some work which means organizing/cleaning out some of jim's things.  my master bath had to be redone because you know real casual like in between two of my immediate family members dying i also had a huge plumbing leak.  i moved back into my bathroom today which meant sorting through all of his stuff.

he should be here, he should be here 

addy's dance recital was saturday.  she was as ever, adorable.  and she did great.  i am relieved to see dance over though.  i usually worked monday nights and jim would come and meet me at dance and then i'd leave - go to work and he would go home, finagle the kids and rock a bedtime.  it was never the easiest task and i was always so grateful to him.  if i didn't work, i'd pull into the garage and honk... he would run out to the car (already changed into his sweats) and greet addy and ask her how dance was.  my counselor told me it was probably so difficult because it was a scheduled connection.  other times, moments are just random happenings in my life with no real connection, but dance nights... dance nights i always saw jim.  he loved seeing addy after dance, in her leotard, hair in a pony, eating her sucker... always proud to see her dad.

one time during the year she didn't listen during her class and her teacher talked to me about it.  all i had to do when we got home was mention to jim "addy had a hard time listening in class today" and she broke down, so contrite with her dad.  he was her whole world.  it's hard to describe their relationship... when addy was born i was jealous of it.  i had never seen jim act anything even close to interested in another girl and then this little pink thing took up his entire life it seemed.  it took us close to nine months to get to a place of understanding the dynamic of the three of us.  and then we had it.  this beautiful mesh of family and love.  she was the light of his life and i was the ignition of it.

going through this stuff is weird.  it's not like a huge emotional thing where i am crying over toothbrushes or his floss.  it's just, i'm low on patience- especially with my kids.  my one friend said that made a lot of sense because all of my patience is probably directed at myself and allowing myself that grace- i just don't have any left to give.  then after i am done sorting through whatever it is, i usually have a huge breakdown.

right now i am over a month into this and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  actually i would say harder because i just keep thinking "shouldn't i be feeling better by now? everyone else is"  it's like i am over here still spinning in place and everyone else is running down to the finish line.  i don't think i'll ever get there.  the tears don't stop, the heartache doesn't stop, it just runs me down.  every day.  for all of our free will, we actually have very little control.  i can't control how i feel, only my reactions, i can't control what happens to me, only my reactions.

at a certain point i mean truly, it's fuck the reactions right?  i want control.  i want to go back in time, this is not the life i wanted to live.  sometimes i get a glimpse of peace. but it's not here right now.  right now is sorrow, right now is pain, right now is awful.

jim jim jim. i miss you love.   each second of each moments seems too long to bear without you.
you don't get to see it coming, you just get to see it go 


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