Skip to main content
to lane,

hey bubba.  i don't know if you know how much i love you, it's a crazy lot.  we are funny- you and i, you have these moments of absolute independence and not giving a shit whether i'm around and then these moments where it's just obsession.  most of the time, it's just chill between us.  but when you go- boy, you give me hell.  today you were screaming because i couldn't figure out that you wanted to eat COLD BUTTERNUT SQUASH for breakfast.  seriously who does that, i don't even do that.  i warmed it up and you threw the bowl and said "NO! NO!" all the while screaming.

with you my fears are different, i don't worry about you so much.  you seem natural at life, in a way that most people in their forties still aren't.  when you were born it was as if you looked around and said "oh this again?"  you take everything in stride, thumb in your mouth, eyes open.  i remember when you were born, your little half whine - you didn't really even cry, you were just grumpy as shit, the corners of your mouth turned down.  up until the last second i kept telling jim, "what if they got it wrong, what if its actually a girl?!" sorry buddy.

i hope your joie de vivre takes you far in life.  i hope you know when it counts to stand up for yourself.  i hope you know that your smile will get you far, but your ingenuity and determination to make things work will get your farther.  i hope the estrogen doesn't overrun you in this house, i apologize in advance for when your sister is a teenager.  i hope you take it easy on me somewhat in your teenage years, try to reign it in more than your dad did please.  i hope you understand the significance of being a man raised by a woman.  i hope you know the fear i conquer in being your mom, in taking my stance on raising a boy.  i hope you know that if i seem absentminded, it's just because i have so much confidence in you.

i know what you will know.  you'll know that no means no, that a lack of response doesn't mean yes.  you'll know how to protect your sister.  you'll know that life doesn't come with a warranty and you will value it in every form, including and especially those weaker than you.  you'll know how to take care of yourself.  you'll know that i love you no matter what you do, who you love, or where you go.  you'll know that i'll always have your back, even when you're taller than me, which at this rate, is probably going to be third grade.  you will know your limits, and they will be firm.  you'll know how to show love.

bubba, you are a joy.  and your flirting game is already really strong buddy, lay low on it for a while- i don't want to be a grandma for a long time.

i love you forever to the moon,
momma

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …