hi momma,
this morning when i woke up (too early as always) i just really really wished you were here holding me. i wish i could hear your laugh and see your smile. i wish i could see how we have the same mannerisms and hear how we have the same laugh. i wish my memories of you weren't fought for through thick cobwebs.
mommy, sometimes i get so tired. it's so hard doing this on my own. sometimes i'm just tired of being tired. every day is a fight, sometimes every minute is a fight, to not get overwhelmed, to keep going, to stay strong, to be brave. sometimes i feel just as fragile as i did in the weeks after everything.
my faith gets so weak and it seems like it swings on a pendulum. i wish we had assurance. i wish i knew for sure. i wish you could sit me down for a half hour and say "don't worry, it's all true and i have elly and i met jim and he makes me laugh." i wish i didn't have to hear addy cry for her dad.
why do bad things happen? why is it grace through fire? why do tribulations procure endurance? why why why? do i sound like addy yet?
i want purpose. i want to know we aren't abandoned.
please don't let me be abandoned.
i'm so tired of being left (alwaysleftneverleaving)
sometimes life feels like a sentence and not a blessing.
sometimes
sometimes
mommy.
to my old love,
i knew you like the back of my hand. i knew every path and every curve. all the hangouts and all the special spots. there was no where to go where i wouldn't have a memory, wouldn't have a trigger. it wasn't you... (i promise)
in the aftermath, my love for you turned to suffocation. E S C A P E. and now my escape has turned to longing. i miss you - my feet have turned restless, for there is always more. (can i never be satiated)
it is the shallow plants that are easily pulled and i feel the tugs. my roots are beginning and it hurts. it hurts, my feet say "run" my heart says "i hurt" my mind says "escape"
who do i listen to?
tiredoftired
hurtsstillhurting
i wish we could have stayed together forever. will i always miss that part of you that's me?
will we ever get back together?
sincerely,
bria
life goes on
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
whenever you encounter a profound tragedy, there are moments, when you seem to stand still while life goes on around you. and you look at these people, incredulous:
how do they move? (you think) for you are frozen
how do they smile? for you are sure your lips will never curve again
how does a laugh escape their throat so easily? only guttural cries are heard from yours
it is a strange time, you are separate, held apart from society either in your own mind or in the minds of those around you. since my story blew up so profoundly and was pretty present on social media, i remember feeling like a small celebrity, my friends would get asked "do you KNOW her? how is she holding up??" i had strangers introduce themselves to me...
and that's part of why i left ohio i think, just to breath, to be in a place where i felt like my tragedy didn't define me, it had nothing to do with the people in ohio and everything to do with me and how i was processing.
and now, now is coming the part of the journey where i open up, in hopes that others will hear my story but more importantly, hear of the story of redemption. there were so many moments where i wished for death, where i wished that i could be put out of my misery. and i wish, i wish i could stand here and say "i understand now! i will explain to you why people go through hard times, why babies die, why kids get cancer, why the weight of the world is so fucking heavy" but that's not my job.
my job is to be still and know.
to be still and know.
and that is one of the most important lessons i have learned in this, i have learned the power of being still, the power of being quiet. you know what i heard most often "i wish i had something to say" but in all honesty, i didn't need words, i needed people to be still and know
know that i was in pain
know that i needed a shoulder
know that they loved me
and the beautiful thing is, those people were provided to me, over and over and over again, in my most desperate and quiet moments, people showed up. and it took a toll on them, i had to allow myself to be a burden and that is an extremely humbling place.
and even though that fire waged, even though the forest burned, even though it seemed clear life would never.grow.again.
flowers are starting to sprout. there is life in the soil.
elly passed away on april 16th, 2016. the one year anniversary of her death is sunday, april 16th- easter sunday. at first, i felt it was a cruel joke, the date my life blew up on the only holiday we spent together as a family of five?
but i know, i know that there is no greater day to know. to be still and know, that my daughter is in heaven, that she lives on even without my presence there.
and so this easter, i will rejoice, i will rejoice and look at the flowers blooming and gather them to my face and say "thank you, thank you, thank you"
Thursday, March 16, 2017
this is kind of a different post, stay with me.
i feel compelled to share my story. in the beginning it was to alleviate the pain, i was filled to the brim with hurt and there had to be overflow. now it is the realization that this will always leave me different, the realization of how brief our time is on this earth, the realization that what we do with our time matters very much.
and so i write this to you my reader,
if you are sitting there, wondering, does what i do matter? would people miss me if i was gone? do i need to spend my days locked in a cage?
if you are sitting there thinking, i am too fat, i am too stupid, i am not educated enough, i have a disability, i can't succeed because my face, legs, stomach, brain, speech impediment, the color of my skin
if the doubt circles around your head like bats, swooping in as night falls
if the pain feels too much to bear alone
if you are stuck
to you i say, stay brave. to you i say, lift your head. to you i say, stand strong. to you i say "you can" to you i say "you will"
if you wear long sleeve shirts in the summer, if you go to the restroom right after eating, if you don't eat at all, if you jump on the treadmill as soon as you wake up, if you take hits, if you drink too much, if you dropped out of school, if you had a baby,
to you i say- you can. to you i say, it's not too late. there is one thing and one thing only that can rob you of life, and that is death. if you are here, if you are reading my words, it is not too late.
if you are taking off your wedding ring or putting one on, if you are getting final notices, if phone calls feel like sentences, if you are getting beat, if you are doing the beatings,
s t r u g g l e
then take my hand. take my hand for you are my brother. take my hand for you are my sister. i stand with you.
i stand with those that are hurting, i will not turn my face away from your hurt. i will stay until the wave passes. i will stand in the fire with you.
to you i say-
you are loved.
to you i say-
you are wanted
to you i say-
don't give up
all my love,
bria
i feel compelled to share my story. in the beginning it was to alleviate the pain, i was filled to the brim with hurt and there had to be overflow. now it is the realization that this will always leave me different, the realization of how brief our time is on this earth, the realization that what we do with our time matters very much.
and so i write this to you my reader,
if you are sitting there, wondering, does what i do matter? would people miss me if i was gone? do i need to spend my days locked in a cage?
if you are sitting there thinking, i am too fat, i am too stupid, i am not educated enough, i have a disability, i can't succeed because my face, legs, stomach, brain, speech impediment, the color of my skin
if the doubt circles around your head like bats, swooping in as night falls
if the pain feels too much to bear alone
if you are stuck
to you i say, stay brave. to you i say, lift your head. to you i say, stand strong. to you i say "you can" to you i say "you will"
if you wear long sleeve shirts in the summer, if you go to the restroom right after eating, if you don't eat at all, if you jump on the treadmill as soon as you wake up, if you take hits, if you drink too much, if you dropped out of school, if you had a baby,
to you i say- you can. to you i say, it's not too late. there is one thing and one thing only that can rob you of life, and that is death. if you are here, if you are reading my words, it is not too late.
if you are taking off your wedding ring or putting one on, if you are getting final notices, if phone calls feel like sentences, if you are getting beat, if you are doing the beatings,
s t r u g g l e
then take my hand. take my hand for you are my brother. take my hand for you are my sister. i stand with you.
i stand with those that are hurting, i will not turn my face away from your hurt. i will stay until the wave passes. i will stand in the fire with you.
to you i say-
you are loved.
to you i say-
you are wanted
to you i say-
don't give up
all my love,
bria
Sunday, March 5, 2017
I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you
Exposing you to all my demons and the reasons I'm this way
I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day
It would take more than some years to get all over all my fears
Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear
The same wall that's stopping me from letting go and shedding tears
From the lack of having father, and the passing of my peers
While I'm too scared to expose myself
It turns out, you know me better than I know myself
(when j. cole hits it better than you could)
to bria at 22,
hey girl- whew i am glad you don't know what's coming your way. girl, you'd be running. i wish life held different cards for you. you are a bit of a lot of a little in a way. your going to have a meltdown because jim won't try your first christmas dish because he hates cauliflower and you made him cauliflower mashed potatoes. you two have a lot of learning to do about each other. actually, you probably haven't even met him yet when i'm writing this. well, it probably does no good, knowing myself you would probably disregard my advice anyway and do what you want.
you are lost still girl, and you stay that way for a long time. alayne doesn't even recognize you right now, she's worried about you. i think everyone kind of is. on christmas eve, you spent the whole night fighting back tears because you were so depressed. that depression weighs heavy on you, your first year of marriage. jim comes home more than once to you having a panic attack. he sees you through it though, he loves you girl. you can trust him.
i'm happy to say you come out the other side. i'm sad to tell you the circumstances that it takes to build your strength.
your kids are the most beautiful and challenging thing you will ever see. you're going to end up being a single mom.. bet you didn't see that one coming? yeah... it's a bit.
you hurt a lot of people. a lot of people. there is a tornado aspect to your personality that just can't help herself sometimes. a lot of people hurt you unfortunately, in that tornado is the eye of the storm of course. it can be wounded. don't stop letting yourself be wounded though, don't lose touch with the humanity of the situation. don't lose touch with yourself, keep your pulse on what moves you.
and girl, your lessons are learned with absolute brutality. don't make life teach them twice.
love,
bria at 29
Exposing you to all my demons and the reasons I'm this way
I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day
It would take more than some years to get all over all my fears
Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear
The same wall that's stopping me from letting go and shedding tears
From the lack of having father, and the passing of my peers
While I'm too scared to expose myself
It turns out, you know me better than I know myself
(when j. cole hits it better than you could)
to bria at 22,
hey girl- whew i am glad you don't know what's coming your way. girl, you'd be running. i wish life held different cards for you. you are a bit of a lot of a little in a way. your going to have a meltdown because jim won't try your first christmas dish because he hates cauliflower and you made him cauliflower mashed potatoes. you two have a lot of learning to do about each other. actually, you probably haven't even met him yet when i'm writing this. well, it probably does no good, knowing myself you would probably disregard my advice anyway and do what you want.
you are lost still girl, and you stay that way for a long time. alayne doesn't even recognize you right now, she's worried about you. i think everyone kind of is. on christmas eve, you spent the whole night fighting back tears because you were so depressed. that depression weighs heavy on you, your first year of marriage. jim comes home more than once to you having a panic attack. he sees you through it though, he loves you girl. you can trust him.
i'm happy to say you come out the other side. i'm sad to tell you the circumstances that it takes to build your strength.
your kids are the most beautiful and challenging thing you will ever see. you're going to end up being a single mom.. bet you didn't see that one coming? yeah... it's a bit.
you hurt a lot of people. a lot of people. there is a tornado aspect to your personality that just can't help herself sometimes. a lot of people hurt you unfortunately, in that tornado is the eye of the storm of course. it can be wounded. don't stop letting yourself be wounded though, don't lose touch with the humanity of the situation. don't lose touch with yourself, keep your pulse on what moves you.
and girl, your lessons are learned with absolute brutality. don't make life teach them twice.
love,
bria at 29
Monday, February 27, 2017
"how will she open the presents we get her if she is in heaven?"
-when you encounter death at four
i sit here. in sweats, hair pulled back, open bud light leftover from when jill visited me next to me. memories have been coming more frequently. today i had to take a break from work and pen a quick letter to jim because i missed him so much i couldn't concentrate.
life is so fluid, my life felt so concrete before. i fought the most difficult battle of my life and the honest truth is, i'm still struggling in so many ways. i don't know what i am doing, i know what i feel meant in my heart to do. i don't have room to take much into account other than my immediate needs and the needs of my children.
i wish she had lived. i wish i would have died instead. i wish tough times guaranteed a smooth path. i wish i could hold her one more time. i wish i would have gotten her that morning. i wish her eyes could lock with mine again. i wish she could open her presents and eat her cake. i wish my wishes mattered.
in my weakest moments, i wish this story was someone else's to tell.
elly elly elly elly.
-when you encounter death at four
i sit here. in sweats, hair pulled back, open bud light leftover from when jill visited me next to me. memories have been coming more frequently. today i had to take a break from work and pen a quick letter to jim because i missed him so much i couldn't concentrate.
life is so fluid, my life felt so concrete before. i fought the most difficult battle of my life and the honest truth is, i'm still struggling in so many ways. i don't know what i am doing, i know what i feel meant in my heart to do. i don't have room to take much into account other than my immediate needs and the needs of my children.
i wish she had lived. i wish i would have died instead. i wish tough times guaranteed a smooth path. i wish i could hold her one more time. i wish i would have gotten her that morning. i wish her eyes could lock with mine again. i wish she could open her presents and eat her cake. i wish my wishes mattered.
in my weakest moments, i wish this story was someone else's to tell.
elly elly elly elly.
fool me once.
Friday, February 17, 2017
we all judge stereotypes
until we live them.
i am tired (you are too)
i used to have your best hours
now i have tired ones
your eyes are questioning
you scream most of the time
i am home
you ask for your babysitter
(don't you want me?)
am i still your mom?
do i still count if there is
always someone else feeding you
hugging you
kissing your wounds
now i seem to only cause them
i used to bandage
now i am worn to the bone
what is my role?
why does it feel like a
reunion when i finally get to see you
my heart is torn.
my dears (know that i tried)
know i did what was necessary
my dears, my dears
(i wish i was kissing your wounds)
my dears, my dears
i trust that the stars hold the secret
to our union, to our ever lasting union
and i know (because of elly of course)
i know that we are not limited by physical
space and time
your mom is always with you
when we sit on the couch in the morning
i focus on melding our energies together
(as much as possible)
i mentally focus on the atoms swirling
strengthening the bond
so that when we are apart
the strength is there
my stardust is there
keeping (always keeping)
you know that (wedding/funeral)
youarethewonder
keepingmystars
A P A R T
until we live them.
i am tired (you are too)
i used to have your best hours
now i have tired ones
your eyes are questioning
you scream most of the time
i am home
you ask for your babysitter
(don't you want me?)
am i still your mom?
do i still count if there is
always someone else feeding you
hugging you
kissing your wounds
now i seem to only cause them
i used to bandage
now i am worn to the bone
what is my role?
why does it feel like a
reunion when i finally get to see you
my heart is torn.
my dears (know that i tried)
know i did what was necessary
my dears, my dears
(i wish i was kissing your wounds)
my dears, my dears
i trust that the stars hold the secret
to our union, to our ever lasting union
and i know (because of elly of course)
i know that we are not limited by physical
space and time
your mom is always with you
when we sit on the couch in the morning
i focus on melding our energies together
(as much as possible)
i mentally focus on the atoms swirling
strengthening the bond
so that when we are apart
the strength is there
my stardust is there
keeping (always keeping)
you know that (wedding/funeral)
youarethewonder
keepingmystars
A P A R T
to elly
Sunday, February 5, 2017
the ocean still kisses the shore no matter how many times it is pushed away
(paraphrased from sarah kay, no matter the wreckage)
personally i've never understood those people that say they aren't "beach people." i get it, i get that sand sticks to you and the wind gets in your hair and lifts it up and puts tangles in it, i get that there is a quiet discomfort in being surrounded on all sides with a force that is much greater than you. i think that's why i'm so attracted to it.
the waves are unrelenting. never ceasing, they sometimes seem to reach their goal, enveloping the sand. at other times, they seem so far away, leaving yards and yards of beaches for creature use. the waves endure storms and at other times are as smooth as glass.
sometimes, i'll be sitting and a wave comes. it will be innocent enough, out with friends, waiting for a counseling appt. and the wave comes and i'm lost, lost in my thoughts, lost in my grief, lost in the ocean.
the pain will never truly heal, not in full. we are damaged, incomplete people, unable to fully heal. lately i've been thinking about my capacity of love. since i was fourteen, i've had a very firm "f you" clause basically. when you experience great loss in your neurological development years, it is impossible to not incorporate that into your development.
i was discussing this idea with my counselor the other day. the fact that many tend to view my as more fragile after all of these trials. i, at times, encounter a sense of "don't break her." when i hear that, i just take a step back and think "what makes you think you can?" if i haven't been broken yet, i can guarantee you, nothing except the remote possibility of something happening to lane and addy will.
sometimes when i am out with addy and lane, i let myself imagine what it would be like if elly was here. what she'd be doing, what she'd look like. she'd be pulling herself up, getting close to walking, her chunky thighs rubbing together, wild brown hair in a constant state of untidiness. sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is comforting.
elly,
today it hurts. today i miss you and kissing your cheeks and your thighs and your belly. today i miss your babbles that would surely be pouring out of your mouth by now. today i think about what it would be like if lane had his "baby" and addy had her sister. we would probably be getting you ready to share a room. i was so excited for my girls to share a room.
somehow i have to fight for acceptance that this life was not to be. you know the idea of alternate universes where for every decision you make it spirals an alternate universe where that decision plays out. sometimes i hope that's true. that somewhere there is a universe where i get to hold you and kiss you and see you grow up. a universe where the five of us are together. a universe that lets me get what i thought i was going to have.
but i am your mom baby, i am your mom and i will make you proud. i won't let you or your siblings down. i'm scared baby, i'm scared of your birthday. i don't know what to do. the day seems empty and hollow without you here. from february 13 to april 28, i have a barrage of days. five dates, five dates full of pain. and i don't want to board that train. the train of reliving the horror, i don't think i'd be paying honor to anyone by doing that.
i don't know if i'm strong enough for your birthday baby. i miss you so much, i wish you were here to celebrate with me. i wish i was making you cupcakes. i wish i was doing your mermaid party.
i wish i wish i wish... i hope in the alternate universe you get all those things. i hope that mom doesn't lose her patience much. i hope you know how much i fucking love you and how that love lives eternally. i hope you know that i consider it an honor to be your mom and that even though i don't mention you to everyone it is out of respect of a sacredness to our bond and the pain i endure for you. i hope you know i never regret having met you and that i consider it an honor to carry the weight of you birth, life and death. i will carry it well elly, because you and your life deserve that.
i love you. i love you with the pain and the joy. i love you with the ache and the healing. i love you with all that i have and all that i am forever and ever and ever. you never truly belonged to me but we are tied together forever, my daughter.
foreverandeverandeverandeverandever.
no matter how many times i'm pushed away, i'll never stop kissing that shore baby girl.
love always,
your mom.
(paraphrased from sarah kay, no matter the wreckage)
personally i've never understood those people that say they aren't "beach people." i get it, i get that sand sticks to you and the wind gets in your hair and lifts it up and puts tangles in it, i get that there is a quiet discomfort in being surrounded on all sides with a force that is much greater than you. i think that's why i'm so attracted to it.
the waves are unrelenting. never ceasing, they sometimes seem to reach their goal, enveloping the sand. at other times, they seem so far away, leaving yards and yards of beaches for creature use. the waves endure storms and at other times are as smooth as glass.
sometimes, i'll be sitting and a wave comes. it will be innocent enough, out with friends, waiting for a counseling appt. and the wave comes and i'm lost, lost in my thoughts, lost in my grief, lost in the ocean.
the pain will never truly heal, not in full. we are damaged, incomplete people, unable to fully heal. lately i've been thinking about my capacity of love. since i was fourteen, i've had a very firm "f you" clause basically. when you experience great loss in your neurological development years, it is impossible to not incorporate that into your development.
i was discussing this idea with my counselor the other day. the fact that many tend to view my as more fragile after all of these trials. i, at times, encounter a sense of "don't break her." when i hear that, i just take a step back and think "what makes you think you can?" if i haven't been broken yet, i can guarantee you, nothing except the remote possibility of something happening to lane and addy will.
sometimes when i am out with addy and lane, i let myself imagine what it would be like if elly was here. what she'd be doing, what she'd look like. she'd be pulling herself up, getting close to walking, her chunky thighs rubbing together, wild brown hair in a constant state of untidiness. sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is comforting.
elly,
today it hurts. today i miss you and kissing your cheeks and your thighs and your belly. today i miss your babbles that would surely be pouring out of your mouth by now. today i think about what it would be like if lane had his "baby" and addy had her sister. we would probably be getting you ready to share a room. i was so excited for my girls to share a room.
somehow i have to fight for acceptance that this life was not to be. you know the idea of alternate universes where for every decision you make it spirals an alternate universe where that decision plays out. sometimes i hope that's true. that somewhere there is a universe where i get to hold you and kiss you and see you grow up. a universe where the five of us are together. a universe that lets me get what i thought i was going to have.
but i am your mom baby, i am your mom and i will make you proud. i won't let you or your siblings down. i'm scared baby, i'm scared of your birthday. i don't know what to do. the day seems empty and hollow without you here. from february 13 to april 28, i have a barrage of days. five dates, five dates full of pain. and i don't want to board that train. the train of reliving the horror, i don't think i'd be paying honor to anyone by doing that.
i don't know if i'm strong enough for your birthday baby. i miss you so much, i wish you were here to celebrate with me. i wish i was making you cupcakes. i wish i was doing your mermaid party.
i wish i wish i wish... i hope in the alternate universe you get all those things. i hope that mom doesn't lose her patience much. i hope you know how much i fucking love you and how that love lives eternally. i hope you know that i consider it an honor to be your mom and that even though i don't mention you to everyone it is out of respect of a sacredness to our bond and the pain i endure for you. i hope you know i never regret having met you and that i consider it an honor to carry the weight of you birth, life and death. i will carry it well elly, because you and your life deserve that.
i love you. i love you with the pain and the joy. i love you with the ache and the healing. i love you with all that i have and all that i am forever and ever and ever. you never truly belonged to me but we are tied together forever, my daughter.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
foreverandeverandeverandeverandever.
no matter how many times i'm pushed away, i'll never stop kissing that shore baby girl.
love always,
your mom.
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