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(1) i have been diligently entering the smart home sweepstakes from HGTV, i told my husband "i have a really good feeling about this, i think we are going to win!" we probably aren't... i am pretty unlucky in these things.  but how cool would it be?  check out the house here.

(2) the sunshine helps so much, seriously so so so much.  now i just need to think of age appropriate activities to do outside.  any help on this one moms?  she is six, going on seven months.  also moms any advice for a lightweight travel stroller?  she needs to be able to sit upright in it as she doesn't love her current one because of not being able to sit upright and honestly i don't love it either, it was part of a travel system and is very bulky and takes up a lot of my trunk

(3) we got little's big girl car seat, just waiting to install it!  i can't believe it.  we went with the ever popular britax marathon.  so so so pumped.

(4) finances have been on my mind a lot recently.  i handle the budget, but in my heart i am a spender.  also real talk here, sometimes it's hard not to be envious of all the things other mommy bloggers have.  seriously, how old am i and how stupid do i sound saying that?  but it's true.  i am reigning it in slowly but surely.  defining guidelines have helped with that, so i actually know how much i can spend in each category.  i am also re-evaluating my priorities and reminding myself that stuff eventually is just empty and how much more important it is for me to be home with my family.  how sad that i have to even work on this, but i do.  it is so hard not to constantly want want want.  oh little heart, learn contentment.

(5) running has been going so well recently.  i did 5.7 miles on sunday without blinking (ok i might've blinked but it went pretty well).  i am so thankful to have a husband that doesn't bat an eye when the first thing out of my mouth once that baby is sleeping is "i'm going for a run."

(6) i have been a little lonely recently.  in the past couple of years my two closest friends have moved out of town and i had a kid which kinda puts a damper on nights out (not that i mind).  it makes you realize how much i value good girlfriends and how long it can take to build those relationships.  it also makes me thankful for my husband and serves as a reminder to not let our friendship die out to being "room mates"

(7) i have been in a cooking rut recently, ugh.  any recommendations?  we have been eating a lot of deli sandwiches, lol.  but seriously a deli sammy can be so so so good, especially if you haven't had one in a while.


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that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…


to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

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Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …