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chutzpah

i will do almost anything to avoid confrontation.  with others, i will lie, pay more for an item.  to avoid it within myself, well there's drinking for that.

it is almost a disease, avoiding confrontation.  in my mind/heart, etc it feels like if i can avoid the confrontation and just get over whatever is bothering me, everything will be okay again.  i do it with everyone but the person it impacts the most is my spouse and eventually it will impact my kids.  i am so sensitive and have such a difficult time dealing with other's anger or not even anger, just unpleasant emotions, that i will do almost anything to avoid it.


the hubby and i are watching seinfeld from the beginning and this clip really struck me.  besides being hilarious (which it is) what struck me is that elaine has some chutzpah.  i couldn't help but be a little jealous when i watched this.  in fact, most of the characters on seinfeld are confrontational when the situation arises for it, even nice guy jerry.  and as i've been watching this show, i can't help but think "why can't i have a simple confrontation without having a panic attack?" why if someone else is in the wrong, am i more than willing to make up for their mistake?

i am a people pleaser, i know this, but what i am just starting to realize is how deep this goes and how dangerous it can be to a relationship.  my poor husband has to literally DAHRAG things out of me in order to for us to discuss them and sometimes i won't even do it then.

this post is going to have an abbreviated ending because as of right now... i don't have the answer.  i don't have this secret ingredient that i can say "well i used to be scared to confront but now i can!" so far... it's something i've realized and on my list of things to tackle.

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