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half written.

i have a lot of half written posts.  writing down my life and what has been happening lately (it's been a lot).  but i can't say i have any real interest in finishing them...

as previously mentioned, my husband and i got married pretty quickly, as in less than five months.  and during those five months you would have thought i was waiting five years "ohmygosh i am soreadytobemarried already!!!" now i look back on that time and i wish i would have enjoyed it.  our somewhat crazy nights out (we were in the process of toning it down as we settled into coupledom), my cruise with my best friend that has ended up being my last friend vacation for a while, our lazy saturday afternoons coupled with nights out to dinner.

sometimes it's easy to look back and think "oh we were so in love then" because of course we were.  and it's probably safe to say, i didn't experience quite the same level of frustration with him that i do at times now.  but the truth of the matter is, it was just simpler then.  life was more simple, no kid, separate bank accounts, buying a house and moving was not on our mind.  but "more simple" doesn't mean "more in love" and something needs to be said for the love that endures the complications of life.  that's why love has to grow, you cannot love your husband now as much as you did on your wedding day.  it's safe to say that if you do, your marriage is in trouble, because it has to grow.  just to keep up with the changes you experience, your family experiences.  love has to develop to encompass the struggles and the joys that life brings.  it's safe to say our life was more simple then, but the depth of joy that i experienced at that time is no where near what i have experienced now, especially as i have added motherhood to the mix.

part of me is wanting to get bogged down in the stress we are facing now.  health, finances, it's all there, waiting for me to dwell in it.  but i am doing my best to force myself to remember that our life is only going to get more complicated.  my daughter's problems will turn into things i can't solve just by rocking her, we'll have even more complicated finances as we add a mortgage into the mix, we'll face aging parents, hopefully we'll add another baby into the mix.  there will only be more threads woven in, more ends that will need tied up, so heart treasure this time.  these simple days that you spend in your rental with the baby that you love so dearly.  treasure the simple love that you have for your husband, knowing in ten years, it will be completely transformed into something even deeper.  know that the trials and stress will not go away but as you endure them, they will eventually allow you to experience deep, deep joy as you develop.

"in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life 'it goes on'" Robert Frost.

time stops for no man, be grateful little heart for right now.


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treat it.

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i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…


to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …