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firsts.

part of the reason having a baby is so fun is because of the firsts.  first time saying "mama" first time taking a step, first time to disneyland (OHEMGEE CANNOT WAIT)

but there's also the first illness, the first time being teased, the first heartbreak.

my poor little is sick, for the first time, and while i feel lucky we went nine months without any illness... it doesn't make this one any easier.  my vivacious and active baby has turned into a limp little ragdoll.  and there is nothing i can do besides almost constant nursing and cuddles and advil every six hours.  last night we slept on the couch together since it's cooler downstairs, her little inferno of a body curled into mine.  and while i would do anything to take her illness for her, this has almost been a trip down memory lane to that tiny newborn who i did nothing for but constant nursing and cuddles.  here's hoping we will be back up and running by the weekend.



in an unrelated note, this has been lacking some pics recently so... here you go!



we are heading into double digits next month! yikes!!!


her uncle calls this her "mad scientist" face, it happens all.the.time. and i LOVE it.


someone (me!) turned 26 the other day.  baby was less than impressed with the singing and candles.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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