as always.

to my daughter,

immunity is a powerful concept and a hard won reality.  we chase it in all arenas it seems.  it is seen time and time again throughout history and stories, which you will learn.  the fountain of life, vaccines, some immunity is fiction and some is reality.

let me be clear, there will be some who say you can win immunity for your heart, this is a lie. your heart can never be immune, for you will always love.  for years, i thought i had won that immunity.  the cost was high, but i thought, finally i've put in my time with suffering and have won.  i have earned the right to love without fear of abandonment or hurt.  i have won immunity.  this, this was a mirage.  immunity cannot be gained.

and so the pendulum will swing, you will discover that immunity is a lie and so you will say, i will shield, i will block, i will armor.  this too baby, is a lie.  there is no defense that does not first injure you.  there is no armor that will let love flow without the risk of injury.  i don't know why it is so, i only know it to be truth.

and at times you might hurt so much that breath escapes your lungs.  you might love so much that your stomach cramps and tears sting your pillow and you wish for escape.  although i hope you never know pain, i do hope you know great love and great pain usually accompanies great love.  i pray that you will be strong enough to pay the toll to know great love.  because i can stand here and say, it is worth it.  in those moments, grab hold, grab hold of those around you with the strength to stand and let them hold you while you hurt.  let your heart be cradled by soft hands and gentle spirits.

and this is the most important part my love.  when your heart starts to heal you will start to look for safety or armor again.  you know they are lies, but your mind says "seek them."  go back to your lessons child, know that as long as you love - you can be hurt.  LOVE anyway.  seek it in all forms but do not be careless.  know that the cost to love is tremendously high.  be jealous with your energy, be jealous with your love.  guard it, but do not put it away forever.  no matter what losses you face, as long as there is breath in your lungs, there is hope and there is love.

and know, know that no matter what comes your way, you are fiercely loved by your family.  our energy never dies.  and your mom and your dad and your brother and sister are over the moon about you.  your love and joy have been hard won baby girl.  hard won, indeed.  you have earned the right to know deep deep love.

and so forever mine is yours,
your mom

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