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to be known is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

to be heard, seen, understood, to make an impact, to connect, to reach.  life is lived in those moments, the moments where we are known.

if you find that in your marriage, then you are lucky indeed.  we sum up events with single words: birth, death, widow, divorce, marriage.  a single word, as if that accurately describes the shifting sand of the days and months of those events.  as if a single word gives insight into what it feels like when you see your baby's face for the first time, the moment when you walk down the aisle to him.

the moment where you stand there in a viewing room in twinsburg, ohio and say goodbye to your lover.

i walked in with them, addy grasping my hand tightly, lane on my hip, wearing my dress from elly's service.  a week and a half after i did the same walk up to my daughter.  that moment he died, that moment we ceased to be, it almost swallowed me whole.

i walked up to him losing a part of myself in every step.  i walked up to him sobbing.  i walked up to him and i knew it would be different, it would be cold, it would be unlike anything i had ever experienced with him in our lifetime together.

i was known with him.  the gravity of what i lost, the absolute depth of pure, unending love i had for that man, to stand on this side and know that no shadow of it will ever satisfy.  it is a lonely place.  an uncomfortable place.  a place where i have to put my arms around myself and tell the little girl inside that it's ok.  a place where i have to continually self-reflect because i do not have the luxury of someone understanding me for me.  it is a hard, hard place.


we had a good weekend, the kids and i.  you would be so proud of tank, he is - first of all- gigantic.  and he is a stinker.  today, he was drinking water and addy asked him for some and he did this little shake while he got an idea, he stopped drinking, walked away from her and poured the water on the carpet rather than share with his sister.  he is the first to go to her when she is crying, never caring it's for the sixth time in that hour.  i spent the night away from them and when i got home this morning he lit up, smothering me with cuddles and kisses.  i've been so nervous about being a boy mom, i think i've been holding back, feeling largely inadequate since you left.  i don't know... i realized it though and am working on it.  already i can feel him again in my soul, his spirit once again with mine.

addy missed you a lot today.  she had this unique look on her face when she was going to bed and i asked her what she was thinking about, it was about you and elly of course.  she had a lot of trouble getting to sleep.  but we got there.  she's tough, she'll make it, but her scars run deep.  she is still healing.  you would be so proud of her too though, i'll tell you what.  she is brilliant and cunning to her core.  she is so kind though, always telling me "i believe in you mommy!" she's been one of my biggest cheerleaders since i lost you.

i miss that too.  you cheering me on, never doubting for a second what i was capable of.  i guess that's part of what got us into this mess, right?  you knew me better than i knew me.  and so now i am left, charged with the task of getting to know myself, my energy no longer divided.  my soul hurts babe, i miss you so badly.  i miss our house together, i miss you always slinging your jacket on the kitchen chair instead of hanging it up, i miss you coming home on your lunch to see us, i miss you texting me, i miss your grumpy ass in the morning, i miss the way you would kiss me, i miss buying you pizza rolls and mountain dew, i miss thinking about what christmas presents to get you, i miss watching tv shows together, i miss the way we fit, i miss you.

god i miss you.
as always,
wish you were here. here with me.


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…


to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …