to be known is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

to be heard, seen, understood, to make an impact, to connect, to reach.  life is lived in those moments, the moments where we are known.

if you find that in your marriage, then you are lucky indeed.  we sum up events with single words: birth, death, widow, divorce, marriage.  a single word, as if that accurately describes the shifting sand of the days and months of those events.  as if a single word gives insight into what it feels like when you see your baby's face for the first time, the moment when you walk down the aisle to him.

the moment where you stand there in a viewing room in twinsburg, ohio and say goodbye to your lover.

i walked in with them, addy grasping my hand tightly, lane on my hip, wearing my dress from elly's service.  a week and a half after i did the same walk up to my daughter.  that moment he died, that moment we ceased to be, it almost swallowed me whole.

i walked up to him losing a part of myself in every step.  i walked up to him sobbing.  i walked up to him and i knew it would be different, it would be cold, it would be unlike anything i had ever experienced with him in our lifetime together.

i was known with him.  the gravity of what i lost, the absolute depth of pure, unending love i had for that man, to stand on this side and know that no shadow of it will ever satisfy.  it is a lonely place.  an uncomfortable place.  a place where i have to put my arms around myself and tell the little girl inside that it's ok.  a place where i have to continually self-reflect because i do not have the luxury of someone understanding me for me.  it is a hard, hard place.


we had a good weekend, the kids and i.  you would be so proud of tank, he is - first of all- gigantic.  and he is a stinker.  today, he was drinking water and addy asked him for some and he did this little shake while he got an idea, he stopped drinking, walked away from her and poured the water on the carpet rather than share with his sister.  he is the first to go to her when she is crying, never caring it's for the sixth time in that hour.  i spent the night away from them and when i got home this morning he lit up, smothering me with cuddles and kisses.  i've been so nervous about being a boy mom, i think i've been holding back, feeling largely inadequate since you left.  i don't know... i realized it though and am working on it.  already i can feel him again in my soul, his spirit once again with mine.

addy missed you a lot today.  she had this unique look on her face when she was going to bed and i asked her what she was thinking about, it was about you and elly of course.  she had a lot of trouble getting to sleep.  but we got there.  she's tough, she'll make it, but her scars run deep.  she is still healing.  you would be so proud of her too though, i'll tell you what.  she is brilliant and cunning to her core.  she is so kind though, always telling me "i believe in you mommy!" she's been one of my biggest cheerleaders since i lost you.

i miss that too.  you cheering me on, never doubting for a second what i was capable of.  i guess that's part of what got us into this mess, right?  you knew me better than i knew me.  and so now i am left, charged with the task of getting to know myself, my energy no longer divided.  my soul hurts babe, i miss you so badly.  i miss our house together, i miss you always slinging your jacket on the kitchen chair instead of hanging it up, i miss you coming home on your lunch to see us, i miss you texting me, i miss your grumpy ass in the morning, i miss the way you would kiss me, i miss buying you pizza rolls and mountain dew, i miss thinking about what christmas presents to get you, i miss watching tv shows together, i miss the way we fit, i miss you.

god i miss you.
as always,
wish you were here. here with me.

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