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to the girl i was six years ago,

oh sweetheart.  you poor, naive, little girl.  i know, i know you knew enough that when you stood up there you were cognizant of the fact that you really had no idea what you were getting into with marriage.  i know that you were mostly excited, but a little bit scared if you could actually fulfill that role of someone's wife.  i know that you had no idea what it would be like that first winter, that first year, living with him.

i know you felt incredible love and a strong sense of unity, which was to be continually eclipsed throughout the next five and a half years.  i know that you felt sure you were looking into the face of your eternal rock.

i wish i could give you advice, i wish i could give you some words of wisdom to help you navigate.  navigate the rocky first year while you struggled with depression and adjusting to marriage to someone who in all honesty, you didn't know that well.  words of wisdom for when adelynn entered the picture and you felt you had all but lost yourself.  words of wisdom for the ups and downs and the in betweens, the times of incredible joy and happiness and the times where it felt stagnant.  sadly though, i have none, even standing on the other side of six years.

i have no words for words are not what you need.  just embrace.  and to the girl i am now, the girl on the other side of six years, remember, remember what the past six years have taught you.

know that times of no noticeable growth are not necessarily what they seem
know that you only have a certain amount of energy available, remember to continue to choose wisely about what consumes it
know that there is always the opportunity for your life to change, sometimes in beautiful and glorious way, sometimes in ways of incredible pain and darkness

above all, know that nothing stays the same.  everything - every day is changing, your children, your mind, your world.
and remember girl, above all, when you feel unrooted, go to the earth, get your feet on that soil, take a deep breath, you are a part of this earth, you are connected

bria, six years later

and to you,

i honestly don't have much to say.  the day, in relation to us, seems void, because of course, there is no us anymore.
wishers just keep on wishing but it never gets to fruition 
and so i have no words of hope, no words of wishing, no words of love.

but i will say thank you, thank you for the time you gave, thank you for the energy you poured into us, thank you for our kids, thank you for teaching me what it felt like to be loved in totality, thank you for sharing your mind and your heart and your soul with me for those five years.



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