mentally i've been placing myself at about six months out from everything.  in my head i think, "six months ago you were jim's wife, six months ago you had your family" but the truth is we've somehow crept up to eight months.  it doesn't feel oddly significant in any way like six months did, it's just that somehow i feel stuck at that half year mark.

i am a living dichotomy right now.  my emotions are level but my actions can swing.  "it's ok!" "it's not ok" round and round back and forth.  it is a constant pulling myself back, reigning myself in.  it's not something i've ever been good at.

and just there, i've done it again.  constantly undermining myself and my actions.  i give so many things a broad sweep, but when it comes to myself, the same doesn't hold true.  the broad brush i paint others in becomes a fountain pen with no room for error.

i want to look at myself and say "it's ok"
i want to look at my kids and say "it's ok"
i want to look at my world and say "it's ok"

and i'm working on it right.  i strive for balance but it is rarely achieved.  the acquisition of sweetness is rarely tasted without the precursor of bitter.  i am constantly pulling myself back, reset, reset, reset.

when i was married, every once in a while we would just have this awesome weekend.  where everyone just got along and the vibe was flowing and it felt timeless.  looking back those were successful not because no one had a meltdown (although they were overall avoided) it's because i had that person to help me reset.  when i started to tense or melt, someone was there to pull me back.

a while ago i looked at my kids and realized, as lovely and precious at they are, they don't really help me reset.
losing my partner didn't make my job twice as hard, it made it a million times harder.  to forge up the strength in every moment "reset, reset" to not breakdown with them, to realize that acting out is normal under the best of circumstances.

i hope the most, out of anything, i hope i am not denying them the love they are so desperately in need of.

and then i have moments where addy lays right next to me and says "i'll lay right here momma, so you aren't scared"
and i have those moments where lane is getting ready to drift off and he points to his pillow "here" or "momma" and i lay back down when i had been getting ready to leave.

the moments are coming, the connections are coming, we continue to build.

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