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mentally i've been placing myself at about six months out from everything.  in my head i think, "six months ago you were jim's wife, six months ago you had your family" but the truth is we've somehow crept up to eight months.  it doesn't feel oddly significant in any way like six months did, it's just that somehow i feel stuck at that half year mark.

i am a living dichotomy right now.  my emotions are level but my actions can swing.  "it's ok!" "it's not ok" round and round back and forth.  it is a constant pulling myself back, reigning myself in.  it's not something i've ever been good at.

and just there, i've done it again.  constantly undermining myself and my actions.  i give so many things a broad sweep, but when it comes to myself, the same doesn't hold true.  the broad brush i paint others in becomes a fountain pen with no room for error.


i want to look at myself and say "it's ok"
i want to look at my kids and say "it's ok"
i want to look at my world and say "it's ok"

and i'm working on it right.  i strive for balance but it is rarely achieved.  the acquisition of sweetness is rarely tasted without the precursor of bitter.  i am constantly pulling myself back, reset, reset, reset.


when i was married, every once in a while we would just have this awesome weekend.  where everyone just got along and the vibe was flowing and it felt timeless.  looking back those were successful not because no one had a meltdown (although they were overall avoided) it's because i had that person to help me reset.  when i started to tense or melt, someone was there to pull me back.

a while ago i looked at my kids and realized, as lovely and precious at they are, they don't really help me reset.
losing my partner didn't make my job twice as hard, it made it a million times harder.  to forge up the strength in every moment "reset, reset" to not breakdown with them, to realize that acting out is normal under the best of circumstances.

i hope the most, out of anything, i hope i am not denying them the love they are so desperately in need of.

and then i have moments where addy lays right next to me and says "i'll lay right here momma, so you aren't scared"
and i have those moments where lane is getting ready to drift off and he points to his pillow "here" or "momma" and i lay back down when i had been getting ready to leave.

the moments are coming, the connections are coming, we continue to build.
reset.reset.reset

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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