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if you're looking for a way (a way to restart) you don't want the keys to my heart.

there is only so much distracting one can do, i suppose.  it has become a valve, which for the most part, i can shut off, i actually have trouble turning it on.  99% of the time i can look at pictures, videos, of us, they almost don't mean anything.  the meaning has been sucked from them, a color photograph faded in the sunshine.  but when they do mean something, when i feel it, i feel it to my bone marrow.  i feel it in every cell, the pain the hurt the hell.  it is then i have trouble breathing, it is then my chest hurts with a physical pain i have never experienced before.

what i had (RIPPED away).  and there is this fine line i walk right?  i crave what i had while not ever being able to get burned like that again.  i have read some advice would be a loose way to say it of women who have loved again after tragedy and the consensus is, no right way to do it, just know it takes someone special, especially then kids are involved.

i have had to rework (and continue) to rework my entire being.  my life rotated around my family.  now i am cast out into space again, the earth without the sun, orbiting, orbiting, but what?  a vacuum?  I am getting sucked in.

what am i orbiting?
what will i orbit?
who are you?
why do i let you in?

jim.jim.jim.jim.  i miss you.  as always, wish you were here.  remember when i took that pregnancy test last year, the night before my birthday?  i didn't even tell you.  i just went upstairs and tested.  she was such a surprise.  such a beautiful, beautiful surprise.  i came down the steps crying and said "i'm pregnant!" you said "shut up!" followed immediately by "i KNEW it" we called it the best birthday present we could have been given.

i remember the night before i gave birth... we were so excited.  our last child, our last pregnancy, the first in our house... we didn't know the sex and were so excited to find out for sure although i had pulled out every tub of baby girl clothes.  as always, i had to go sleep with addy part of the night, nerves getting the best of me, as always, you passed out no problem.  i couldn't even eat more than a JoJo because she had squeezed all of my stomach.  i had no room.  my heartburn had been terrible for weeks.  i just laid around in the recliner, watching you eat pizza, jealous as hell.

and then, that morning, she was born.  and it was so perfect, all of it was perfect.  except of course the three tries they took with my spinal block.  i came so close to be asking to be put under.  but then all of a sudden, they got it, and i was laid down and you came in.
they cut
she was lifted
we heard her
and i knew
you knew
we had our girl
ellery ann

the doctor remarked "she has some opinions already, this one"
i wish i knew what they were, i wish she was here to tell me them.  i wish you were here to hold me.  i wish i didn't go to sleep alone every night.  right after you died i had to sleep with one of these huge bears that someone sent the kids.  i did that for weeks, my physical body unaccustomed to sleeping alone and thrown into shock.  the first couple weeks alone, it took me hours to settle myself down to sleep.  i had this routine, tea, melatonin, crying, phone call, more crying, writing, sleep.

the dogs sleep with me now, i know that would make you happy.  most nights i bring cookie up too.  she sleeps near my head, mostly.  it seems quiet with the two of them, i know they used to move around a lot but not anymore.  it's all quiet here.  this morning both kids piled into bed with me and i had this glimpse of what we had.  the kids laughing and squirming and kicking.

remember those mornings?  me nursing while lane and addy rolled around and we put on a tv show?
remember when lane was born and we ate thousands of red vines and watched property brothers?  that was the first time i told you we could have at tv in the bedroom, lol.
you are a good dad, we miss you.  i miss you.  i miss you in a way that is indefinable.  i miss you in a way that will always escape me.  it is the moment between breaths.  it is the in between, that is what I miss.  before in my in between i always had security, now it is is emptiness.

my breaths escape me love, wish you were here.


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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.