in the in between.

it seems to me that the biggest struggle is wanting what i don't have.  alayne and i have always had opposite dating lives, ha.  when i was engaged and married she was out doing alayne, living her life, she bought her own place, she's made huge career advancements.  and at times it felt like i was just stuck you know.  my life didn't feel like it was advancing because my life wasn't really, our lives were advancing.

my personal advancements were slow and few.  they happened, of course.  i was discussing with my counselor how, of course, when i compare the personal growth i've had in the past eight months to the personal growth i had in five years of marriage, it can be skewed.  i've had nothing but time, nothing to do but grow.  in the last year of my marriage i was pregnant, started working again and took care of three additional people beyond myself and my own pregnancy.

anywayyyys.  this is a very roundabout post about how i struggle in the in between.  especially.  i mean, being honest, what i like best is being married.  i'm good at it, i'm comfortable in it, i fought so hard for that middle ground in my marriage, to keep growing together to stay happy.  and now it's not an option for me and in all reality, it probably won't be an option for a while.  you only have so much energy right?  and i have dreams and plans and just plain reality that need to be figured out in a very practical and realistic way before anything else happens.  and i can sit here and just think man, i have years and years and years before i get what i want.  which in all honesty, is where i've been the past couple days/week/whatever.  and it feels lonely, it feels scary, it feels uncomfortable.

or i can switch it around and say this is what i'm going to get instead.  this is what's going to come my way, having enough energy for my kids, healing myself emotionally, trying to go back to school, finding a career path that i enjoy, meeting new people, investing in new friendships, maybe buying my own place, getting a new car.

some things are trite right?  some aren't important but there are a lot of things on there that are.  jim loved me so so incredibly well, and i was so lucky to have that love in my life, to have him in my life, especially at a young age.  he taught me incredible things about myself and i have learned even more in the absence.

YES.NOW.SLOW.  repeat.

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