Skip to main content

in the in between.

it seems to me that the biggest struggle is wanting what i don't have.  alayne and i have always had opposite dating lives, ha.  when i was engaged and married she was out doing alayne, living her life, she bought her own place, she's made huge career advancements.  and at times it felt like i was just stuck you know.  my life didn't feel like it was advancing because my life wasn't really, our lives were advancing.

my personal advancements were slow and few.  they happened, of course.  i was discussing with my counselor how, of course, when i compare the personal growth i've had in the past eight months to the personal growth i had in five years of marriage, it can be skewed.  i've had nothing but time, nothing to do but grow.  in the last year of my marriage i was pregnant, started working again and took care of three additional people beyond myself and my own pregnancy.

anywayyyys.  this is a very roundabout post about how i struggle in the in between.  especially.  i mean, being honest, what i like best is being married.  i'm good at it, i'm comfortable in it, i fought so hard for that middle ground in my marriage, to keep growing together to stay happy.  and now it's not an option for me and in all reality, it probably won't be an option for a while.  you only have so much energy right?  and i have dreams and plans and just plain reality that need to be figured out in a very practical and realistic way before anything else happens.  and i can sit here and just think man, i have years and years and years before i get what i want.  which in all honesty, is where i've been the past couple days/week/whatever.  and it feels lonely, it feels scary, it feels uncomfortable.

or i can switch it around and say this is what i'm going to get instead.  this is what's going to come my way, having enough energy for my kids, healing myself emotionally, trying to go back to school, finding a career path that i enjoy, meeting new people, investing in new friendships, maybe buying my own place, getting a new car.

some things are trite right?  some aren't important but there are a lot of things on there that are.  jim loved me so so incredibly well, and i was so lucky to have that love in my life, to have him in my life, especially at a young age.  he taught me incredible things about myself and i have learned even more in the absence.

YES.NOW.SLOW.  repeat.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …