I have seen a lot of "summer is ending!" "fall is here" posts. While I am normally one of the first to jump on the fall bandwagon... this year I am sitting it out. I am still in tank tops, soaking up the sun, still half-assing it with meals because "who wants to eat when it's 90 degrees out? let's have cereal." and still fully in the summer mind.
For those with older kids, I know some schools started this week and are definitely starting by next week. For my husband and I though, he took his vacation late (it will start this Friday after work!) and this is my last week nannying. In that spirit, I am fully soaking up these last few weeks of our summer, an in between season if you will.
Staying present in the moments that will wind up being our last as a family of three, paying attention to the new things my daughter is doing/saying every day, soaking up the last of the warm warm days before the cool air sets in (although, at least in Ohio, it's been a cool summer and we have already had some very fallish days), enjoying the parks, zoo, and ice cream places now that they aren't as crowded. And of course nesting, I am in full blown nesting craziness over here. Shampooing carpets, cleaning the basements out, wanting to bake bake bake. In truth though, I don't know when he will arrive. In my mind, we are in fair game territory. So really these last few moments before I meet him read like the end of a very, very good book. They might make you a little mournful, but you are better having read it.
The next couple months hold exciting things and while I will embrace fall when it arrives... sweet summer, stay a little longer.
what being a mom has taught me about perfectionism
Friday, August 15, 2014
I am (was?) a bit of a perfectionist. I think this title can mean a lot of different things to different people. While I definitely wasn't the straight A's in school, leader of the cheer squad kind of perfect, I struggled with it in a different way.
I never ever allowed myself to fail.
Can you see where this is going? If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out. I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track. While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track. I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends. (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).
The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning. There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you." I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:
"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
The other flip side to motherhood? There is no quitting. No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it. So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself. I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.
I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else. The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments. To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter.
By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love. In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved. What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be. Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.
It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most. To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.
and just because....
I never ever allowed myself to fail.
Can you see where this is going? If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out. I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track. While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track. I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends. (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).
The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning. There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you." I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:
"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
The other flip side to motherhood? There is no quitting. No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it. So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself. I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.
I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else. The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments. To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter.
By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love. In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved. What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be. Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.
It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most. To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.
and just because....
she has my whole heart and in 22 months - has taught me more than I could have dreamed. I hope you know how much I love you Adelynn.
a few favorites
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
a huge storm just rolled in here, and although I am saying a silent prayer to the gods that our basement doesn't get any water in it (seriously right now our basement looks like hoarders... we are just out of room) something feels right about having the storm today. it's a cozy day, addy is napping, and I am curled up on the couch with my ever present reminder of the baby boy. we are rolling closer to his due date and while I can wax on emotional forever about it, I thought I would share a couple recent things that have been going through my head.
With Addy finally in her big girl room, the nursery is empty and looking pretty bare. Most of the stuff is going to stay the same and I won't fully commit to a lot of things until we move but I have found myself wanting to pick up just a couple things for him.
I am really drawn to the idea of using constellations as inspiration for his room. The universe/cosmos is something Jim has always been so interested in and as I have gotten older I have tried my best to start to study it more. I think it would be great to instil that wonder in a child from a young age and the tapestry at $39 bucks is a steal and something he could grow with. But of course, I love elephants too. I don't know. I am not into super ornate nurseries, one because our "nursery" is the size of a closet and two, because I hesitate to spend a lot of money on things until I get to know their personality. Although I know Addy's interests and likes will change, I am excited to get to do her room when we move knowing that it will last her the next 3-4 years.
Also I have been on a little cart splurge at Old Navy. Basically I have thousands of things in my cart and hope to pull the trigger soon but probably wont. I do need some new clothes but am wrestling with spending the money. Especially seeing as I can't wear them yet. I am hoping for some good sales around Labor Day and will save the rest for Christmas - but here are a few things I am coveting.
I actually have a pair of these skinny jeans waiting for me post-partum. Lauren from ForLaurenandLauren suggested them as just right for moms who can't handle the down low rise jeans anymore. Since I am constantly showing crack (literally) I am hoping these work for me.
I am really craving this dress for the family photos we will have taken after he comes. I feel like the fit will still be forgiving since I will only be a couple weeks postpartum and am in love with the very fall print. Can't believe it is coming.
The other's are just comfy basics that also look breast feeding friendly. Can't say I am looking forward to planning my wardrobe around having to constantly whip out my boobs again but... what can ya do?
Also my little one turns two in two months and we have already bought most of her gifts! I am going to work on a currently coveting list for her too though as I have spotted some things I think she would love.
Have a great week!
ps. I am not being sponsored by Old Navy (I WISH!) but just really have a cart full of things right now at their website.... :)
With Addy finally in her big girl room, the nursery is empty and looking pretty bare. Most of the stuff is going to stay the same and I won't fully commit to a lot of things until we move but I have found myself wanting to pick up just a couple things for him.
I am really drawn to the idea of using constellations as inspiration for his room. The universe/cosmos is something Jim has always been so interested in and as I have gotten older I have tried my best to start to study it more. I think it would be great to instil that wonder in a child from a young age and the tapestry at $39 bucks is a steal and something he could grow with. But of course, I love elephants too. I don't know. I am not into super ornate nurseries, one because our "nursery" is the size of a closet and two, because I hesitate to spend a lot of money on things until I get to know their personality. Although I know Addy's interests and likes will change, I am excited to get to do her room when we move knowing that it will last her the next 3-4 years.
Also I have been on a little cart splurge at Old Navy. Basically I have thousands of things in my cart and hope to pull the trigger soon but probably wont. I do need some new clothes but am wrestling with spending the money. Especially seeing as I can't wear them yet. I am hoping for some good sales around Labor Day and will save the rest for Christmas - but here are a few things I am coveting.
I actually have a pair of these skinny jeans waiting for me post-partum. Lauren from ForLaurenandLauren suggested them as just right for moms who can't handle the down low rise jeans anymore. Since I am constantly showing crack (literally) I am hoping these work for me.
I am really craving this dress for the family photos we will have taken after he comes. I feel like the fit will still be forgiving since I will only be a couple weeks postpartum and am in love with the very fall print. Can't believe it is coming.
The other's are just comfy basics that also look breast feeding friendly. Can't say I am looking forward to planning my wardrobe around having to constantly whip out my boobs again but... what can ya do?
Also my little one turns two in two months and we have already bought most of her gifts! I am going to work on a currently coveting list for her too though as I have spotted some things I think she would love.
Have a great week!
ps. I am not being sponsored by Old Navy (I WISH!) but just really have a cart full of things right now at their website.... :)
8 weeks left.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I am officially as of today, 31 weeks along. If I go through with a scheduled C-section, the most time I have left is 8 weeks (ohmygoodness). I am 5 weeks away from when I went into labor with Addie. The end is coming and is so bittersweet.
I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own. They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer. I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids. I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet. Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway. In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30. Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.
Speaking of Adelynn. Over the past month she has grown up so much. I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so. She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc. She is doing so much better. It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again. She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off. She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring. I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.
Speaking of boy. Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here. I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!" Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you." I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying. Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift. Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter. I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again. I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there." My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here.
Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!
I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own. They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer. I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids. I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet. Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway. In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30. Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.
Speaking of Adelynn. Over the past month she has grown up so much. I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so. She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc. She is doing so much better. It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again. She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off. She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring. I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.
Speaking of boy. Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here. I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!" Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you." I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying. Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift. Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter. I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again. I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there." My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here.
Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!
currently.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
hello. seeing as it is Thursday and I can barely keep my eyes open at 1:18pm, I thought I would take a quick minute to just jot down what the eff is up since honestly... you all aren't getting some deep conversation/intellectual post this week. I mean, let's have a round of applause that I got in two posts in a week. (HOW DO MOMS HAVE TIME TO BLOG?!?!!?)
This week -
I was watching my baby's heart rate on the monitor at the hospital. I fell (again). It was actually one of those things where I was just immediately pissed at myself because hello how stupid and now I have to go to the hospital to be monitored. It was actually a very casual affair with me waiting until Jim got home and then just driving myself. Spoiler alert: everything was fine, my 21 month old just needs to keep her toys out of my way! (yeah right)
Searching for patience, and more sleep. Hoping these will be combined one of these days. Also ways to maximize our space while we try to make room for the addition. Ugh, it's been an emotionally up and down week. Impatience at wanting to move and meet my new son and knowing in the back of my mind to stop wishing the time away because honey it stops for no one anyway.
I have been missing my best friend a lot this week. She lives in Raleigh and I got to see her a week and a half ago for her brother's wedding. Ugh, it was such a tease. Our times together since she moved four years ago have been few an far between. I feel lucky in this life to have found both my soulmates (spouse and friend) but it's hard being away from her all the time.
Adelynn has been growing up recently. It's like we are turning our heads for a second and she is just mastering more and more. I'd like to do a full post on her updates, but in case I don't get to it, here are things she has mastered recently: independent sentences (IE. asking for someone and then asking for an action "TyTy swim" "Leo eat it") swinging on big girl swings, very independent play both a the park and at home, walking and running everywhere, climbing ladders... it goes on and on. It both breaks my heart and makes me so proud.
I have been doing my best to ignore the fact that in just a couple short weeks my nannying job will end. I feel goofy over how sad it is making me. Those kids are just so special and so close with Addie and I'm close with them. I actually had trouble falling asleep last night because I kept picturing them going to school and leaving Adelynn behind. I know it is ending for the best of reasons and it might not even be permanent (maybe next summer?) but for now it is and I feel sad that my daughters best friends are going to be going away without an explanation that she will really understand...
ugh. Way to end on a high note. That being said, the weather here is gorgeous, I have the windows open - air off in themiddle end of July.... also holy cow it's the end of July. Enjoy the (almost) weekend and have a donut for me!
This week -
I was watching my baby's heart rate on the monitor at the hospital. I fell (again). It was actually one of those things where I was just immediately pissed at myself because hello how stupid and now I have to go to the hospital to be monitored. It was actually a very casual affair with me waiting until Jim got home and then just driving myself. Spoiler alert: everything was fine, my 21 month old just needs to keep her toys out of my way! (yeah right)
Searching for patience, and more sleep. Hoping these will be combined one of these days. Also ways to maximize our space while we try to make room for the addition. Ugh, it's been an emotionally up and down week. Impatience at wanting to move and meet my new son and knowing in the back of my mind to stop wishing the time away because honey it stops for no one anyway.
I have been missing my best friend a lot this week. She lives in Raleigh and I got to see her a week and a half ago for her brother's wedding. Ugh, it was such a tease. Our times together since she moved four years ago have been few an far between. I feel lucky in this life to have found both my soulmates (spouse and friend) but it's hard being away from her all the time.
Adelynn has been growing up recently. It's like we are turning our heads for a second and she is just mastering more and more. I'd like to do a full post on her updates, but in case I don't get to it, here are things she has mastered recently: independent sentences (IE. asking for someone and then asking for an action "TyTy swim" "Leo eat it") swinging on big girl swings, very independent play both a the park and at home, walking and running everywhere, climbing ladders... it goes on and on. It both breaks my heart and makes me so proud.
I have been doing my best to ignore the fact that in just a couple short weeks my nannying job will end. I feel goofy over how sad it is making me. Those kids are just so special and so close with Addie and I'm close with them. I actually had trouble falling asleep last night because I kept picturing them going to school and leaving Adelynn behind. I know it is ending for the best of reasons and it might not even be permanent (maybe next summer?) but for now it is and I feel sad that my daughters best friends are going to be going away without an explanation that she will really understand...
ugh. Way to end on a high note. That being said, the weather here is gorgeous, I have the windows open - air off in the
lazy, hazy, crazy baby.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
it's summer. I am actually quit thrilled to see so many of my favorite bloggers taking a break. It takes the pressure off a bit. Everyone is out enjoying the weather, unplugging. It feels nice to breathe the fresh air, have a glass of lemonade, enjoy family, friends, longer days, etc.
That being said, I am now in my seventh month of pregnancy and getting to that uncomfortable, when is he going to be out, pregnancy is so difficult stage. Truly. I keep reminding myself that no matter how difficult pregnancy is, it only becomes more so once they are out.
J and I took the plunge and joined our local gym with an annual membership this past weekend. The biggest draw for us was the pool/aquatic center they have. I am so so so excited about this. We paid for a daily pass last week to take Adelynn swimming. Later that night, she flopped on her belly in the tub and as she was squirming around and said "swimming, swimming." It was pretty much decided then and there that a membership was going to be a necessity. It's an indoor pool which takes away seasonal worries and sun worries. With the baby coming it will be so nice to have somewhere close where Jim can take her for a couple hours and she LOVES. I am also equally excited about the gym membership... although I am not doing much now (haha!) I suffer from seasonal depression in the winter and am looking forward to having an outlet and a way to train for my marathon. Even if I only make it twice a week, I am going to love having that time for just me and my goals.
Lately... this is what we've been up to in numbers
so that's been life lately. we've been working and loving and living. some days are a struggle, some I am frustrated. but overall it's been asweet summer with the promise of new things to come this fall.
ps. we are going to work on transitioning addy to a big girl bed this coming weekend. I will keep you posted on how this all goes!
That being said, I am now in my seventh month of pregnancy and getting to that uncomfortable, when is he going to be out, pregnancy is so difficult stage. Truly. I keep reminding myself that no matter how difficult pregnancy is, it only becomes more so once they are out.
J and I took the plunge and joined our local gym with an annual membership this past weekend. The biggest draw for us was the pool/aquatic center they have. I am so so so excited about this. We paid for a daily pass last week to take Adelynn swimming. Later that night, she flopped on her belly in the tub and as she was squirming around and said "swimming, swimming." It was pretty much decided then and there that a membership was going to be a necessity. It's an indoor pool which takes away seasonal worries and sun worries. With the baby coming it will be so nice to have somewhere close where Jim can take her for a couple hours and she LOVES. I am also equally excited about the gym membership... although I am not doing much now (haha!) I suffer from seasonal depression in the winter and am looking forward to having an outlet and a way to train for my marathon. Even if I only make it twice a week, I am going to love having that time for just me and my goals.
Lately... this is what we've been up to in numbers
 |
daily wagon rides, number of times having to double back to pick up lost sunglasses - 2 |
 |
| 3 - number of hours I made it at the reception and number of people in this picture |
 |
| 1 - birthday pop |
 |
| 12 - roses from my love |
 |
| 12 million, number of times she says higher! |
ps. we are going to work on transitioning addy to a big girl bed this coming weekend. I will keep you posted on how this all goes!
Currently, struggles and wishes!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
This post could probably be titled "Things I am struggling with" because right now I am. I just seem to be in a funk and it's difficult to look at myself, know I am not fully enjoying life, and not know what to do to pull out of it. I've analyzed and compiled and am left just unsure. I am not sure if it's the progesterone shots I'm on (that's my likely guess) or just my hormones in general but overall I am left just wishing I was enjoying life a little more. I am going to do my best to make sure the things in my control like: diet, sleep, and water aren't being ignored and go from there.
That being said, as of today, we are officially 3 months away from baby boys due date. It seems really far away and close at the same time. I am starting to get to the uncomfortable phase where the belly is starting to be pretty big and twelve more weeks of growing seems.... well pretty unfeasible. On the other hand, holy shit, 12 weeks MAXIMUM to go. Ummm, let's think about how much we gotta get done in 12 weeks.
In other news, I thought I would share a few items on my wish list. Jim and I made the difficult decision that for now house hunting is tabled and we will revisit it in January. It was made for a myriad of reason the two most important ones being:
1) we will be much more financially stable in January due to Christmas bonus. Yes we probably could move now but why stress ourselves out for the next four-five months especially with...
2) baby boys birth. Of course we are hoping and praying for a complication free delivery but one never knows. No need to compile stress when we can just wait and get him home safely.
That being said.... it hasn't stopped me from reworking multiple rooms and layouts in my head. Here are a few items I am craving.
1) natural textures like this tablecloth featuring jute
2) this large wooden clock from JBJunkMarket on etsy. I am obsessed with this clock ever since I saw it about a year ago. The price tag is hefty but I know I would use it my whole life.
3) a new area rug (this one is from amazon). I am most likely going to be hitting local discount stores for a new rug but I would love something lighter and patterned for our family room. I am trying to rid ourselves of the brown!
4) a double strand initial necklace. we haven't decided on a boys name yet but I can't wait to get a necklace with both of their initials. I love the strong lettering look of this one from ElegantSwan.
5) okay last necklace. I wear a necklace almost every day, that being said Burnish has become my favorite shop on Etsy for unique and wearable jewelry. I asked for this necklace for Christmas two years ago and wear it almost daily. That being said, we can always add to the collection with this beautiful stone necklace featured above.
So that's what's topping my wish list recently. What about you all? Any unique items you want to share?
That being said, as of today, we are officially 3 months away from baby boys due date. It seems really far away and close at the same time. I am starting to get to the uncomfortable phase where the belly is starting to be pretty big and twelve more weeks of growing seems.... well pretty unfeasible. On the other hand, holy shit, 12 weeks MAXIMUM to go. Ummm, let's think about how much we gotta get done in 12 weeks.
In other news, I thought I would share a few items on my wish list. Jim and I made the difficult decision that for now house hunting is tabled and we will revisit it in January. It was made for a myriad of reason the two most important ones being:
1) we will be much more financially stable in January due to Christmas bonus. Yes we probably could move now but why stress ourselves out for the next four-five months especially with...
2) baby boys birth. Of course we are hoping and praying for a complication free delivery but one never knows. No need to compile stress when we can just wait and get him home safely.
That being said.... it hasn't stopped me from reworking multiple rooms and layouts in my head. Here are a few items I am craving.
So that's what's topping my wish list recently. What about you all? Any unique items you want to share?
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