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everything is still at four am.

i've been up since four today.  i am laying here in my bed, alone.  i had a cup of tea after i woke up to help settle my mind.  it's been three nights of dreams.  you know those people that are like "oh gracious, i just never remember my dreams" or the more infuriating, "i don't dream" (SIDE NOTE: YES YOU DO!) (another side note: thanks google!)

i want to punch those people in the face.  i mean sometimes at least.  my dreams are haunting.  even at their best i never wake up happy because of my dreams.  it's been like this since i was a child.  i remember in college one night i dreamt so vividly about being murdered that i stayed up the entire night after it and cleaned our whole apartment.  the girls probably didn't know what hit them.  waking up for an eight am class (brutal!) to see their chipper roommate mopping away after scrubbing out the microwave

"hey guys just had some extra time! just working away here, don't mind me! oh what?  no no!  i've been up for hours.  yeah just had a dream about being murdered, couldn't get back to sleep, you know the usual!"



in my dreams now there is always something missing.  an elusive piece that is never within my grasp.  i'll see people or go places and feel an ache inside.  not even in my dreams can i escape the loss.

i think at this point, i have suffered so greatly and so intensely that it will be a relief when i leave this world.  i remember reading passages that Paul wrote about wanting his journey to be over so he could be with Christ and thinking "that guy is CRAZY! who wants to leave earth?  it is soon totally awesome here!"

i get it now, here there will always be un-fullfilment, here there will always be suffering, here is not where we are meant for.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …