everything is still at four am.

i've been up since four today.  i am laying here in my bed, alone.  i had a cup of tea after i woke up to help settle my mind.  it's been three nights of dreams.  you know those people that are like "oh gracious, i just never remember my dreams" or the more infuriating, "i don't dream" (SIDE NOTE: YES YOU DO!) (another side note: thanks google!)

i want to punch those people in the face.  i mean sometimes at least.  my dreams are haunting.  even at their best i never wake up happy because of my dreams.  it's been like this since i was a child.  i remember in college one night i dreamt so vividly about being murdered that i stayed up the entire night after it and cleaned our whole apartment.  the girls probably didn't know what hit them.  waking up for an eight am class (brutal!) to see their chipper roommate mopping away after scrubbing out the microwave

"hey guys just had some extra time! just working away here, don't mind me! oh what?  no no!  i've been up for hours.  yeah just had a dream about being murdered, couldn't get back to sleep, you know the usual!"

in my dreams now there is always something missing.  an elusive piece that is never within my grasp.  i'll see people or go places and feel an ache inside.  not even in my dreams can i escape the loss.

i think at this point, i have suffered so greatly and so intensely that it will be a relief when i leave this world.  i remember reading passages that Paul wrote about wanting his journey to be over so he could be with Christ and thinking "that guy is CRAZY! who wants to leave earth?  it is soon totally awesome here!"

i get it now, here there will always be un-fullfilment, here there will always be suffering, here is not where we are meant for.

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