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yesterday alayne was telling me about an interview she watched with paralympic swimmer Brad Snyder who went blind in Afghanistan.  when he went to sleep at night he used to dream he could see again, when he would wake up, of course the reality would be that he couldn't.  so every night, dread would hit him, that adjustment to reality of what was lost is intense, as i can attest.  then someone mentioned to work on changing his perspective over time, to look at it as a gift that for eight hours, his eyesight was restored.

for five weeks, i lived out exactly what i had pictured as my earthly dream.  to a "T".  there aren't a ton of people on earth that can say they did that.  whether it's because you want to have kids and can't, end up never getting married, don't fulfill your career goals, WHATEVER, a lot of people don't get their dream.  and i- for a brief moment, had mine.  what a gift.  to know that i lived my idea of my best life on earth.

now, now comes the difficult part, being prepared for new dreams, dreams that i haven't thought of, dreams that will catch me by surprise, dreams that were not and are not part of my plan.  but even in living out new dreams, i will always have the gift of those five weeks.  the five weeks where i lived my heaven.

jim and elly, every day, every day i miss you both.  i will never stop loving you, i will never stop missing you.  thank you for those five weeks baby girl.  you completed our family in a way i am sure you will never be aware of.  with you both, we lived whole.

to jim, you will always be my first love.  i will always carry you with me.  with every venture, and every step, you will come.  i will honor our past while staying present and looking to the future.  my love, thank you for our life together.


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…


to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …