yesterday alayne was telling me about an interview she watched with paralympic swimmer Brad Snyder who went blind in Afghanistan.  when he went to sleep at night he used to dream he could see again, when he would wake up, of course the reality would be that he couldn't.  so every night, dread would hit him, that adjustment to reality of what was lost is intense, as i can attest.  then someone mentioned to work on changing his perspective over time, to look at it as a gift that for eight hours, his eyesight was restored.

for five weeks, i lived out exactly what i had pictured as my earthly dream.  to a "T".  there aren't a ton of people on earth that can say they did that.  whether it's because you want to have kids and can't, end up never getting married, don't fulfill your career goals, WHATEVER, a lot of people don't get their dream.  and i- for a brief moment, had mine.  what a gift.  to know that i lived my idea of my best life on earth.

now, now comes the difficult part, being prepared for new dreams, dreams that i haven't thought of, dreams that will catch me by surprise, dreams that were not and are not part of my plan.  but even in living out new dreams, i will always have the gift of those five weeks.  the five weeks where i lived my heaven.

jim and elly, every day, every day i miss you both.  i will never stop loving you, i will never stop missing you.  thank you for those five weeks baby girl.  you completed our family in a way i am sure you will never be aware of.  with you both, we lived whole.

to jim, you will always be my first love.  i will always carry you with me.  with every venture, and every step, you will come.  i will honor our past while staying present and looking to the future.  my love, thank you for our life together.

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