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his presence is fading.  when he first passed away i felt him with me everywhere... i kept expecting him to round the corner, eyes crinkled with a smile, a "hey babe" thrown my way.  or even round the corner with a frown on his face, upset from his latest talk show about the current political climate of our country.  (if i had buried him, he would be rolling over in it right now).  sometimes that's when i get the most mad is when i realize he left me with trump and clinton as our candidates.

it is both good and bad.  the shadow is everywhere.  i am under a cloud.  aurora, solon, hudson, stow... they all hold memories, good times and bad, regrets and promises unfulfilled.  a drive in movie, the county fair, a fancy night out in downtown cleveland... whispers of the life that i will never live and the shadow of the life i had

this shadow is so big and so long.  the shadow remains while his presence fades.  very little of me expects him anymore... i actually get surprised when something catches my eye and i think "oh where's jim again?"

fresh.start.

it's coming, like a wave washes out the sand from before and leaves a smooth surface.  our start is coming.  right now we are wading, the sand is getting washed out from under us and we are struggling to stand.  but it's coming.  i am doing my best to navigate, to help my kids to navigate... uncharted territory, with dark dark dark days, with the shadows and fears and PTSD, with darkness and clouds, it is all so choking.

but we press on.  i'm not sure i will ever have peace regarding it.  at least not here, i long for peace, but i think it will elude me on this earth.  a certain level of turmoil, it will always preside in my life.

____ though?  ____ is done for now, it is the last paragraph in an old book.  the pages are crumbling, i cannot keep writing in it.  it calls for new new new.

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treat it.

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that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …