Skip to main content
his presence is fading.  when he first passed away i felt him with me everywhere... i kept expecting him to round the corner, eyes crinkled with a smile, a "hey babe" thrown my way.  or even round the corner with a frown on his face, upset from his latest talk show about the current political climate of our country.  (if i had buried him, he would be rolling over in it right now).  sometimes that's when i get the most mad is when i realize he left me with trump and clinton as our candidates.

it is both good and bad.  the shadow is everywhere.  i am under a cloud.  aurora, solon, hudson, stow... they all hold memories, good times and bad, regrets and promises unfulfilled.  a drive in movie, the county fair, a fancy night out in downtown cleveland... whispers of the life that i will never live and the shadow of the life i had

this shadow is so big and so long.  the shadow remains while his presence fades.  very little of me expects him anymore... i actually get surprised when something catches my eye and i think "oh where's jim again?"


it's coming, like a wave washes out the sand from before and leaves a smooth surface.  our start is coming.  right now we are wading, the sand is getting washed out from under us and we are struggling to stand.  but it's coming.  i am doing my best to navigate, to help my kids to navigate... uncharted territory, with dark dark dark days, with the shadows and fears and PTSD, with darkness and clouds, it is all so choking.

but we press on.  i'm not sure i will ever have peace regarding it.  at least not here, i long for peace, but i think it will elude me on this earth.  a certain level of turmoil, it will always preside in my life.

____ though?  ____ is done for now, it is the last paragraph in an old book.  the pages are crumbling, i cannot keep writing in it.  it calls for new new new.


Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"

granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.