never before has the gospel made so much and so little sense to me.  here is a fundamental truth i have found to be alive and well in my own life and those around me: we were made for love.  to love and be loved.

wanna level?  when i had jim and you know all the members of my immediate family alive, i didn't have a whole lot of need for God.  i was so so happy and so so loved.  jim loved me well.  i didn't notice any large holes lurking in my life, i was very very fulfilled.

i had been a church attendant and private school attendant all my life.  ultimately the gospel felt fake to me and it seemed like most used it as an manipulation tool.  all these christians running around singing about Jesus with their perfect lives and perfect teeth.  i was over it.  jim's background in christianity was confusing but ultimately he had more faith than me throughout most of our relationship as i found myself not even believing in any sort of afterlife.

then what i had chosen as my light -went out, and it went out in a big way.  ultimately it will be that way for everyone that chooses something man made or a man to satisfy.  all human relationships end in pain, all success ends.  it is the toil of our days, we endlessly search for meaning, for love.

it took losing it all to understand the gospel.  and still, still it is hard for me.  it's so hard to understand God allowing it to happen but to believe he didn't cause it.  i grapple every day with feeling abandoned, rejected.  i didn't even really want the Bible to be true guys, i mean, it's hard.  following the true message of it is tough.  i really liked living where i was at, building my own life one brick at a time, really believing that i created my own joy.

this is where i am at.  caught between knowledge and heart.  my heart knows it to be true, it rings with the clarity of a bell to my core.  my God is faithful, i am not abandoned- but i am shortsighted and i struggle with the weight of this life we live on earth.  but reading it brings me peace and when my words fail, the spirit intercedes.

and let the peace that comes from Christ, rule in your hearts

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