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just in case.

just in case i was sitting there thinking, whew, am i glad i don't have a partner left to raise these two kids with!

just in case i was sitting there thinking, man oh man, am i glad no one gets to face medical situations with me anymore!

just in case i was sitting there thinking, it's not that bad.

it is, it truly is.  and it really doesn't get much more difficult for me then when i face medical concerns for my remaining two kids alone.  in the short three and a half months since jim died i've faced a surgery and now a potentially life-threatening allergy.  awesome.

the doctors for me is a sore spot as a widow.  the forms asking for father's information, the "is there an alternate number?" question or worse, having to tell them to take his number off, sitting there without my rings, as the doctors come in and out and i wonder what they think, about the fact that my kid's father isn't at his surgery, isn't at her allergy testing.  i sit there, with my daughter in my lap as they do the skin test and realize, it's all on me, it's all on me.

being a parent is exhausting, being a single parent is more exhausting, being a widowed single parent is just about as tiring as it gets.  there's no every other weekend, there's no "when your dad gets home, i am done" it's just me.  and when you have young kids and you're widowed... i don't know.  i mean giving my kids a bath is a very physical task.  i have lane that refuses to sit down the entire time he is in the tub, i lift both of them in and out, wash them head to toe, dress them both.

it's just a lot.  it's when i get the medical news though, that i know how he would react (freaking out) and i just think to myself, i can't believe i am here... i cannot believe he left me to do this alone.

my counselor asked me why i wanted to move and i replied, it's a lot easier to face reality if you are living in it.

so much of my life feels surreal now, like an out of body experience, i am still in the same place, going through the same motions, but wait... everything is different.  i think, when you've faced this type of trauma, changing your physical reality is the only way to truly face what actually happened.  the fact that life is different and will never ever be the same.

And refresh the page and restart the memory?
Respark the soul and rebuild the energy?
We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemies
Sorry for the night demons that still visit me
The plan was to drink until the pain over
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?


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that person is selfish
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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.