Skip to main content

just in case.

just in case i was sitting there thinking, whew, am i glad i don't have a partner left to raise these two kids with!

just in case i was sitting there thinking, man oh man, am i glad no one gets to face medical situations with me anymore!

just in case i was sitting there thinking, it's not that bad.



it is, it truly is.  and it really doesn't get much more difficult for me then when i face medical concerns for my remaining two kids alone.  in the short three and a half months since jim died i've faced a surgery and now a potentially life-threatening allergy.  awesome.

the doctors for me is a sore spot as a widow.  the forms asking for father's information, the "is there an alternate number?" question or worse, having to tell them to take his number off, sitting there without my rings, as the doctors come in and out and i wonder what they think, about the fact that my kid's father isn't at his surgery, isn't at her allergy testing.  i sit there, with my daughter in my lap as they do the skin test and realize, it's all on me, it's all on me.

being a parent is exhausting, being a single parent is more exhausting, being a widowed single parent is just about as tiring as it gets.  there's no every other weekend, there's no "when your dad gets home, i am done" it's just me.  and when you have young kids and you're widowed... i don't know.  i mean giving my kids a bath is a very physical task.  i have lane that refuses to sit down the entire time he is in the tub, i lift both of them in and out, wash them head to toe, dress them both.

it's just a lot.  it's when i get the medical news though, that i know how he would react (freaking out) and i just think to myself, i can't believe i am here... i cannot believe he left me to do this alone.

my counselor asked me why i wanted to move and i replied, it's a lot easier to face reality if you are living in it.

so much of my life feels surreal now, like an out of body experience, i am still in the same place, going through the same motions, but wait... everything is different.  i think, when you've faced this type of trauma, changing your physical reality is the only way to truly face what actually happened.  the fact that life is different and will never ever be the same.

And refresh the page and restart the memory?
Respark the soul and rebuild the energy?
We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemies
Sorry for the night demons that still visit me
The plan was to drink until the pain over
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …