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life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"



granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  


as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.

people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want to try.  i know what i've wished for and dreamt for in my own personal life.  and at the end of the day it is what it is

this is not the life i wanted. 
this is not the life i dreamt of
this is the life i was given

and it is still precious, it still has value and meaning and joy.  the life we are given is so very often different than what we expect.  i for so long, thought i had put in my time with suffering.  i remember the very real feeling of being just blindsided when i lost elly because what kind of fate would take someone's mother and their daughter.

there is a very real sensation of being marked.  but i know that suffering produces greatness.  if one plateaus and knows only happiness, only serenity, only peace- there is no push, there is no strive, there is no need to do more, to be more, to achieve more.

you know who i think of a lot in this process?  lebron james.  thirteen years, he worked for thirteen years to bring a championship to cleveland.  he toiled and sweat and was hated, he left and came back, he strived and strived and strived, and eventually he achieved.

there is so much work ahead of me, so many more bricks to be laid before i can take a step back and say "yes, this is good" but sometimes, like tonight, i can find brief glimpses of serenity, and a peace that knows i am moving in the right direction.  

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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

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people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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