one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine. sure, some do. but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life. whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"
granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most. even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances. by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family. not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.
as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life. everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is. but i know what i want to try. i know what i've wished for and dreamt for in my own personal life. and at the end of the day it is what it is
this is not the life i wanted.
this is not the life i dreamt of
this is the life i was given
and it is still precious, it still has value and meaning and joy. the life we are given is so very often different than what we expect. i for so long, thought i had put in my time with suffering. i remember the very real feeling of being just blindsided when i lost elly because what kind of fate would take someone's mother and their daughter.
there is a very real sensation of being marked. but i know that suffering produces greatness. if one plateaus and knows only happiness, only serenity, only peace- there is no push, there is no strive, there is no need to do more, to be more, to achieve more.
you know who i think of a lot in this process? lebron james. thirteen years, he worked for thirteen years to bring a championship to cleveland. he toiled and sweat and was hated, he left and came back, he strived and strived and strived, and eventually he achieved.
there is so much work ahead of me, so many more bricks to be laid before i can take a step back and say "yes, this is good" but sometimes, like tonight, i can find brief glimpses of serenity, and a peace that knows i am moving in the right direction.