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You are with me in the quiet where my soul finds rest.  I turn to you, a small child, overcome with emotions, my mind frayed at the seams, weeping and grasping.  You cradle me - your arms encircling me... Barely whispering breathe "there there child, it's ok it's ok" I shudder and shake against your unmovable force while the grief overcomes me.

You are with me in the storm as my fists beat out against the injustice.  As I raise my voice in fury and scream out against the unfair the unfair the unfair.  A hurricane sweeps across the land my fury wrapped in it, it screams out in the silence "he is gone she is gone he is gone she is gone" a drumbeat against my soul as I search for answers that aren't there, as I find meaning and restoration instead.

I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this!!!
Let me back, let me back, let me back.
I want to be back.

The child is always screaming. All is lost all is lost.  My head does not lift- it is weighted with sorrow.  My soul does not jump - it is chained with regret.  My eyes weep tears, always tears.

We struggle.  We struggle. We struggle.

Ellybean,
How has it already been over three months since I cradled your warm body against mine?  Since I kissed your sweet face and sent the last snapchat of us?  I was so excited to just be snuggling you.  So proud to be your mom.  I still am your mom I guess.... But so much of me feels you have been lost to me forever.  You completed my happiness, my heart and my life.

Will my world ever feel full without you there?  Will I ever glimpse a sight of my kids playing and not think "I wish there was three?" Will the comment "your kids are so good with babies!" Ever not rip my soul in two?  Of course they are good with babies.... They had you to love.  Why did you come just to be taken?

I bear the weight of your loss alone.  For all time- you will be known as a daughter only to me.

Your loss is brutal, soul suffering agony.  I will miss you forever, your presence will always be the whisper of something absent, I wish you were
MINE.
To hold, to kiss, to sing to.

Oh Elly, Elly, Elly.
I love you,
Your mom

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treat it.

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that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

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i watched a video that my iPhone made, a video of 2016.  and it had just all of these beautiful and painful moments just wrapped into this four minute video.

the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

but i saw so much smiling in those videos.  so many sweet moments and so many memories that happened when i was in a fog that felt all encompassing.



this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
this year my daughter made beautiful friendships because people weren't afraid to reach …