Skip to main content
You are with me in the quiet where my soul finds rest.  I turn to you, a small child, overcome with emotions, my mind frayed at the seams, weeping and grasping.  You cradle me - your arms encircling me... Barely whispering breathe "there there child, it's ok it's ok" I shudder and shake against your unmovable force while the grief overcomes me.

You are with me in the storm as my fists beat out against the injustice.  As I raise my voice in fury and scream out against the unfair the unfair the unfair.  A hurricane sweeps across the land my fury wrapped in it, it screams out in the silence "he is gone she is gone he is gone she is gone" a drumbeat against my soul as I search for answers that aren't there, as I find meaning and restoration instead.

I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this! I didn't choose this!!!
Let me back, let me back, let me back.
I want to be back.

The child is always screaming. All is lost all is lost.  My head does not lift- it is weighted with sorrow.  My soul does not jump - it is chained with regret.  My eyes weep tears, always tears.

We struggle.  We struggle. We struggle.

Ellybean,
How has it already been over three months since I cradled your warm body against mine?  Since I kissed your sweet face and sent the last snapchat of us?  I was so excited to just be snuggling you.  So proud to be your mom.  I still am your mom I guess.... But so much of me feels you have been lost to me forever.  You completed my happiness, my heart and my life.

Will my world ever feel full without you there?  Will I ever glimpse a sight of my kids playing and not think "I wish there was three?" Will the comment "your kids are so good with babies!" Ever not rip my soul in two?  Of course they are good with babies.... They had you to love.  Why did you come just to be taken?

I bear the weight of your loss alone.  For all time- you will be known as a daughter only to me.

Your loss is brutal, soul suffering agony.  I will miss you forever, your presence will always be the whisper of something absent, I wish you were
MINE.
To hold, to kiss, to sing to.

Oh Elly, Elly, Elly.
I love you,
Your mom

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …